CARRYING a suitcase containing 45 pounds of Earth's Best baby food, a portable crib and seven pieces of luggage, the Pavlon-Blum family took off last summer for a five-week trip to Europe. The baby food was to insure 5-month-old Ethan would eat right, and the crib would give him the comfort of the same bed every night.
''We were pretty sure we would find acceptable baby food once in Hungary, but we weren't sure about Poland,'' says Jerry Pavlon-Blum, who, along with his life partner, Myron, is in the process of adopting Ethan.
The family visited Warsaw, Budapest, Zurich, the Alps, London, Glasgow and the Scottish Highlands by train, car, plane and foot. On the hikes, Ethan went by backpack.
''Ethan was a brilliant traveler,'' Jerry Pavlon-Blum says, explaining that two weeks was spent visiting one of the baby's five godparents, Hannah, and her family in Zurich.
The Pavlon-Blums, who have a home on Fire Island and Manhattan, are one of thousands of gay and lesbian couples raising children in New York State who are forging new legal paths of co-parent adoptions since a court decision one year ago stating that a couple, homosexual or heterosexual, does not have to be married to adopt a child.
Because no state recognizes marriage between homosexuals, the ruling is of particular importance in New York to same-sex couples trying to adopt. Before the ruling on Nov. 2, 1995, one partner in a homosexual relationship could adopt a child, but the mate could not become legally recognized as that child's other parent. Under the ruling, the child of an unmarried couple is entitled to rights and privileges from both parents, including health benefits, Social Security payments and inheritances.The decision states that Family Courts must still decide whether the adoption is in the child's best interests.
Although lawyers say, because of its progressive laws, New York same-sex couples are in a better position to adopt than in much of the country, Long Island couples looking to jointly adopt are taking the step warily.
''There are not the most progressive judges on Long Island,'' said Beatrice Dohrn, legal director of Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, a national legal organization working to secure equal rights for lesbians and gay men. She added: ''On the average, judges in San Francisco are the most liberal, but we are in the top section of places more liberal. There are some more conservative pockets on Long Island.''
Before the ruling went into effect, Harriette Steinberg, a lawyer with the Westbury firm Slavin and Steinberg, discouraged same-sex couples from petitioning to adopt jointly.
''Previously, especially on Long Island, we knew the petition would not make it to the first step,'' she said. ''The Nassau and Suffolk Family Courts or Surrogate Court did not permit these applications because the individuals didn't have standing and were of the same sex. The argument was that a child could only have one mother or father. We just knew the courts would return the application.''
Ms. Steinberg said that her clients could have changed their residence to the jurisdiction of another court, but that that was impractical.
''So we waited until the law changed,'' she said.
Following the court decision, two of Ms. Steinberg's clients, a South Shore couple, Elizabeth and Suzanne, went ahead with plans to adopt Elizabeth's 2-year-old biological daughter. Last month, they reached the second stage of the adoption procedure, a home study by a social worker.
Suzanne's adoption request states, ''so that I can attain the public legal recognition of what is already a personal and private reality.''
For years, discouraged Long Island gay couples had ''held their adoption plans in abeyance,'' said Linda Zammiello of Bay Shore, the founder of Long Island Family Connections, a social group for gay and lesbian families. Of the 35 families in the group, 2 lesbian couples and 1one gay male couple have adopted children.
''Now, we're very excited,'' Ms. Zammiello said. ''The gay couple in our group has just started the joint adoption process. And, other gay couples are talking of looking into it. The second parent adoption opens a nice way of solidifying the relationship with these children we adopted. It's a nice time.''
Ms. Dohrn said she expected to see a huge increase in the number of gay male couples pursuing joint legal custody of an adopted child. But Ms. Steinberg feels there's still a reluctance by Long Island's gay men to adopt.
''I think they're waiting to see how it goes for the women,'' she said.
The Pavlon-Blum joint adoption is pending, said their lawyer, Michael Goldstein, who noted that although in the past he has done several single adoptions for gay couples, including two in Nassau County and two in Suffolk, this is his first joint petition.
Only two states, Florida and New Hampshire, have specific statutes prohibiting lesbian and gay adoptions. To date, according to a report by the National Adoption Center in Philadelphia, there are 10 states, including New York, that have granted second-parent adoptions. Each state decides independently who can adopt, with final decisions made by judges at the county level. They consider the ''best interest'' of the child, a concept interpreted differently by different judges, the report states.
Mr. Goldstein, whose law office is in Rye Brook, N.Y., said the Pavlon-Blum adoption is going through Surrogates Court in New York County, which is Manhattan. If the petition to adopt as a couple is not approved, it will be withdrawn and the two men will reapply as single parents, one now and the other two years later, he said. Mr. Goldstein has not had problems with Long Island judges, he said, although in the past he was denied a single male's petition to adopt by a Queens judge who was ''horrendous.''
''It's a homophobia that is a political fear that their constituents will look at it as something that should not have been done,'' he said.
The joint adoption issue is not a done deal, Ms. Steinberg said. ''We still have to meet the issue of the 'best interest' for the child,'' she said. ''The real question is whether our judges can appreciate the importance to a child not to have a parent legally recognized. I could see a judge 'homophobic,' raising a question. It's the conservative element.''
The number of same-sex couples looking to adopt is rising, although there are no statistics, said Wayne Steinman, of Staten Island, president of the support group Gay and Lesbian Parents Coalition International.
''As more and more homosexuals come out, and become more self-confident, they see the option to adopt,'' said Mr. Steinman, whose petition for legal recognition as one of the adoptive parents of 9-year-old Hope was just finalized. ''No one is required to collect data on how many have adopted. There is a level of discrimination. Many of those involved in the adoption are supportive and turn a blind eye that they are working with a gay couple. The coalition is trying to commission a study to come up with numbers, but it's virtually impossible. It will be a long time coming.''
Gay couples usually choose to adopt privately through a lawyer, rather than an agency, said Ms. Steinberg. ''That's because up until 1995 an agency knew if they gave a baby to a gay couple, they couldn't affect an adoption for both parents,'' she said.
Fees at the Spence Chapin Adoption Agency, which has one of its three offices in Central Islip, are based on a sliding scale and run about $8,000. Of the 208 adoptions done by the agency in 1995, 33 were to single parents and one to a man. Of the single adoptions, five were to Long Island women. ''The agency does not discriminate towards singles,'' said a spokeswoman, Sandy Ripberger. ''But the gay clientele is fairly small.''
According to the National Adoption Center, most agencies do not place a healthy baby with a gay or single person. ''There are too many married heterosexual families looking for healthy babies,'' said Gloria Hochman, director of communications.
''We don't ask if someone is gay, but the home-study process is so extensive it can come out, but it doesn't have to,'' Ms. Ripberger said. ''We don't encourage people to keep it from the birth parents. In international countries, there is a very strong prejudice that only married people can adopt.''
Costs vary to adopt a healthy baby privately, running $10,000 to $15,000, said Ms. Hochman. ''The cost is minimal to adopt a special needs child, which would be one that's older than 7, a minority, having a disability or the need to be adopted with a sibling,'' she said.
Jerry and Myron Pavlon-Blum said they decided to go forward with the adoption about a year and a half ago, although they'd been planning it for more than eight years.
''We chose the private route,'' said Jerry Pavlon-Blum. ''We felt it would be the most successful. It's hard to find an agency blind to sexual orientation. We wanted as much information about the child's profile and family history as possible, which most agencies either don't know or can't give you.''
The lawyer's fee, hospital, trips to Phoenix, where the baby was born, and certain expenses they chose to pay to benefit the mother, totaled about $12,000.
Along with placing ads in newspapers, the couple set up an 800 number for birth mothers to respond, allowing for the exchange of information and the development of a personal relationship, said Jerry Pavlon-Blum. Ethan's mother, however, came by a different route. Her lawyer, seeking prospective parents, contacted the Adoptive Parents Committee. While not a placement agency, the organization knew Jerry Pavlon-Blum, who is a member. Eventually, the lawyers for both parties spoke, and medical histories and references were exchanged.
''They spread the word right and left and eventually someone came through,'' said Mr. Goldstein. ''They were open, they let it be known they considered a biracial baby.''
''Ironically, she chose us knowing we were gay,'' said Myron Pavlon-Blum. ''In her judgment we could offer the best. She had offers from heterosexual couples and singles. It's hard to choose a gay couple. She didn't have much education, but she saw through the prejudice, she saw the loving and caring.''
There are some problems after adoption, lawyers and parents say, especially as the child grows older. ''That's when homophobia from society creeps in, and the child may become more secretive,'' said Ms. Zammiello, a mental health counselor. ''But, all of us in different stages have to deal with it.''
Long Island Family Connections exists of its own need, she said. ''We see the support the children give each other regarding their lives,'' Ms. Zammiello said.
The families are pro-active, going as a family unit into the schools, she said. ''Basically, if you are straightforward, you don't meet with rejections. These families have done a nice job. In some levels we've overcompensated. We've had to prove ourselves over and over again. We know the effects of prejudice so we instill our children with the concept of diversity.''
Mr. Goldstein said: ''There certainly are hurdles to get over. The burden is to prove they're a nice family unit despite their sexual orientation. It's not insurmountable.''
Flaxen-haired Ethan, now a sturdy and healthy 10-month-old, is enrolled in swimming and gym classes.
''And, that's another interesting journey,'' said Jerry Pavlon-Blum. ''All classes are called 'Mommy and Me.' That's got to change. It's funny being in an environment that presumes that I'm heterosexual or the nanny.''
Elizabeth and Suzanne, both developmental psychologists who teach at small private Long Island colleges on the South Shore, live with their daughter in a house not far from the Great South Bay. Elizabeth is due to have her second child by artificial insemination in March. She's the ''stay-at-home mom,'' teaching one college class a week on Suzanne's day off. Elizabeth is ''Mommy'' and Suzanne is ''Mama'' to their little girl, who loves to feed the ducks at a nearby park, go to the petting zoo and visit her grandparents in New Jersey. Another grandmother lives in Missouri.
Suzanne and Elizabeth did not want their full identities revealed, although they are open with the court and social worker.
''We feel our decision to go public about our personal lives is one thing,'' Elizabeth said. ''We will wait to give our daughter the freedom to tell people about our family herself.''
The Pavlon-Blums work out of their Manhattan apartment and take turns taking care of Ethan. ''We each knew the other would be a great parent,'' said Jerry, 38, an actor who has put that career on hold to be available for Ethan. He opened his own greeting card company, ''We Are Family,'' that manufactures and markets positive images involving gay relationships. A private investor, Myron, 48, is trained as a lawyer. Although their Fire Island home was one of several in the Pines community that was destroyed by severe storms last year, the family is planning to rebuild in the spring.
''Ethan will call Myron, 'Daddy' and me, 'Poppy','' said Jerry Pavlon-Blum. ''We didn't want 'Daddy Jerry' and 'Daddy Myron'. It was important to Myron that he be called 'Daddy' and 'Poppy' being assonant with 'Mommy,' we thought Ethan's playmates and he might relate more easily when they talk about their parents .''
Ethan will not lack for female role models, Jerry Pavlon-Blum said. ''That's one reason we gave him a number of godparents, we wanted to expand our family not so much to fill a void but to fill his life with people committed to him,'' he said, explaining that Ethan's two godmothers and three godfathers were ''carefully chosen by character, diversity and availability to him.''
One godmother,, who lives in California ''loves kids'' and his other godmother in Zurich ''fits our ideal as a mother.'' Both families visit several times a year. The fiancee of one of the godfathers takes care of Ethan three afternoons a week and another godfather owns a toy company, said Jerry Pavlon-Blum.
''It's going to be different, but on the other hand there are lots of single parents in a parentless house,'' Myron Pavlon-Blum said. ''There is no real norm, we're just doing it differently, there's lots of love and diversity in our lives. I think there's a bias against loving fathers fully capable of mothering. I can't imagine anyone loving Ethan more than we do.''