exposing the dark side of adoption
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Attachment VS Dependence


   Attachment VS Dependence

There is a great paradox at the center of human attachment theory. We must create a secure attachment with our primary caregiver so that we can become independent and autonomous. We must be as one with another... so that we can be truly one, independently. 

Attachment is an end unto itself while dependence is a means to an end. In any adoption the relationship between new mother and infant will be a dependent relationship. Ideally we want it to progress to an attachment so the child can develop a sense of autonomy and self. Infants are already attached to their first mother at the moment of birth, given the endocrine advantage and shared existence. Trust is already established in the womb. Then in an adoption the trust attachment progression is disrupted by the disappearance of the first mother. The first lesson of life is now misstrust. What often results is a duality within the adoptee. The creation of a false self and an incomplete self. The false self creates a dependent relationship with the adopting mother as a means to survive. The incomplete self is the true self searching for its authentic self. I wonder how many of us find that authentic self? How many are too afraid to search? How many pretend it doesnt exist or that it doesnt matter?  I would rather not be dependent. I want to be free.

by RobertHafetz on Monday, 01 October 2007