We don't know each other, are paths have probably never even crossed but I have some things I want to say. Why, your probably asking. Well I was once the child your child is today. Maybe I just want you to hear the things I wish my adoptive parents had heard. I don't know, all I do know though is I care enough to say what a child cant.
Adoption hurts. It hurts real bad and it is a lonely hurt. How does a child who hurting for the loss of their mum and the life they cannot have find away to tell you, you the mum and dad who they love, and who loves them, how can they do it. They cant and they don't, and do you know why? fear of hurting you. So you see we cry inside and we pretend we have no interest in our past and that we learn to smile when you tell us how happy and special it was the day you got us, for you adoption day was all those things and more. For the child it was the day they lost what should have been but couldn't be. The day they stopped being who they where. Does that make sense. A day of grief.
There are no simple answers when it comes to helping your adopted child grieve. We all face grief at some point in our lives, how best we cope with it very much depends on the support around us. It is automatic to want to heal the pain of grief in our child. As an adoptive parent you will want to provide that same love and understanding to your adopted child. This is where your needs and wants may well differ from what your child wants and needs.
When you adopt a child undoubtedly, you want to feel the child is truly yours. In every way equal, No different from if you had given birth to them. You want them to feel the same. It is not the same and you may well have to go through a grief process of your own to come to terms with that.
The grief process can be broken down into stages. Typically Shock, disbelief, sadness, extreme sense of loss and bewilderment. Understanding, acceptance and ultimately moving on. What order the process takes is not important nor does it have a time span. Arriving at the point of acceptance and moving on is the point at which we heal.