Sit, Stay, Beg

I wonder how many adoptees consider themselves Favor-ed Children.... meaning, you do lots of favors for people,  either for attention, or  another person's approval or acceptance?  

For instance, how many adoptees were star athletes, students or performers?  How many did well in these areas because it was expected to do so?  How many consider themselves Pleasers? 

How many try to please people they don't even like, just because anything is better than being Alone?

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I was sure not a "favorite"

I was sure not a "favorite" child!  I learned early to keep quiet and do as I was told, "Or else".

I don't do favors for people, at least I don't think I do.  I do try to do my best at everything I decide to do.  That's the interesting part:  I don't follow the "rules" and follow orders.  I pick and choose what I will do, making sure I am the best at what I'm doing.  Even if it's bad and improper.  I will be "the best".

Does that count?

Pick of the litter

I think wanting or feeling like we are someone's "favorite", or "the best" is a huge theme for Us.  We each want to be special, and important... invaluable and irreplaceable.  At the very least we want something about us to to be kept and remembered... by someone.

For the adoptee, we're told we're special because we were "chosen".  That's supposed to make the loss of our mommies, "all better", I suppose.  I must have been a very precocious child, because I never bought into that  "I was specially chosen" garbage.  I believe I knew at a very young age, at a very basic level, that connection between mothers was made very clear in my mind:  Before I was "found' (or "saved"),  I was left behind somewhere, by someone.  That disturbed me deeply.  Perhaps my age of adoption was a huge factor, but for me there was always a gap... a vacancy... an emptiness where time and attention given to me wasn't enough.  People always seemed to disappear right when i wanted or needed them most.  "Why?  What happened, and why is it always so easy to leave?"

For some, how can it not be felt that in order to have a home, strangers had to find favor in our faces or behaviors?  How else would we be kept, if not cute and compliant?  How do we assure ourselves we will never again be left, and forgotten?

We do our best to be remembered, somehow.... somewhere.

It seems to me the child of another woman is bound to be one of two extremes in a New Family... either the biggest disappointment OR, the most beaming prize... the complete failure, or the genius who can do no wrong.  Something has to define us, making us... keeping us Special... especially if there are other siblings in the house.  After all, It can't always be about Adoption and the many additional losses a single subtraction can bring in a lifetime, can it?

One person... that's all it took to change the world... one person.

What a difference one person can make in the life of a child.

Favors suddenly become very important to the person in need of one very special person.

For the pound-pup, who and what do we call that one person?

 

being messianic

I was so f'n favorite I had to be better than Jesus himself. As if I was born with Messianic purpose. Maybe it's my own mind reeling and my delusions of grandior speaking, but I swear as a child I felt I had to outdo the lord himself. I never was a star in anything, didn't excell in any field. Of course I'm anal enough for it, but I always give up trying at some point. What's the reward?

reward?

My reward for perfection was not getting hit or punished.  After a while, "perfect" became more about them and their fantasy, and much less about me and my life.  It took me decades to learn one simple truth:  I didn't fail; I just didn't make their dreams come true.  I lived in fear of their failure, and it almost cost me my life. F--- That!  

I used to think, "Maybe if they were able to get a refund, (with interest) things would have ended better between us.  Maybe if I become rich and famous one day, they will forgive me."  Who knows.  They sure seem to believe I owe them SOMETHING for the burden of housing me for 18 years.  I just want to know, WTF is wrong with people looking for perfection in a child?  Just because a person "wants to have children" doesn't mean that person is qualified to BE a parent.   It would be different if they had me by "accident", but they "chose" me.  They bought me, like a piece of produce, they went-out and picked me from a bunch of babies.  They wanted me that badly, why did they beat me? 

All my life, all I heard from them is "We want..."  We want you to do well, we want you to succeed, we want you to be the best.  You know what?  Not once did they ask what I wanted.

I want to be a movie-star.  I want to be famous.  I want to not fear people.  I want an Old English Sheepdog.  I don't want to ruin a child's life because I didn't get what I want in life.

I know people say adoption-practices are "different" now.

Are they?  Are people better parents these days, or just better at paying others to pretend everything is all good and dandy?  I read somewhere it costs around 30k to buy a baby these days, through private agencies.  The fact that there are still "private adoptions" taking place concerns me --  I was a private-deal.  I fear money talks just as loud as it did decades ago. I sure as hell hope there aren't kids getting sold to parents like mine.

And the media asks, "Why so much school violence?".  Shit... violence starts at home.  The only difference between my childhood in the 70's and kids growing-up now is 18-hour day-care.  At least when I was hit, it was by my parents, not a complete stranger.  Although, come to think of it, that's funny.  Who adopted me, but complete, unrelated strangers!

Pound Pup Legacy