exposing the dark side of adoption
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The story of Monica's mother


May 8, 2007

Monica's Mom

I am Monica's mother. I have been trying to write a response to this article, since I read it, but everything seems to come out wrong in writing. I am going to do the best I can.

First of all, I would give anything for none of this to have happened. My poor choices in life have caused harm to so many people, most of all my children; Monica being hurt the worst. She is a beautiful, sweet girl with a heart as big as the Universe. The last time I saw her was on her 12th birthday, six weeks after that she was taken from Enrico. She is 13 now. To say I miss her is an understatement, I love her, I miss her, I miss the special times we shared. It brings me to tears just thinking about them

I have been an an practicing alcoholic for alot of Monica's young life. That I am not going to deny. I would like to say I have been sober for almost 2 years. It will be two years the end of July. I am employed full time, trying to take it one day at a time. It seems every time I turn on the news or read a newspaper in the last 15 months, I am constantly reminded of the awful choices I have made and what I have put my kids through. Monica has to live with it every day of her young life, I wish I could take away all the pain and hurt she has gone through. Some of what has been written and reported about Monica, and myself is true, alot of it is not,or highly exaggerated. Celeste for example, what I read hurts me, more than words can say, I am not going to even acknowledge what you had to say except to say I thought you left to be closer to the guy you were going to marry, you have never been in the delivery room with me, your statement 'the delivery room smelled so strong of alcohol' no Doctor or hospital in their right mind would have allowed me to take my baby home if that were the case. How come you never mentioned any of these feelings to me? It has been over 10 years now You did call me about a month ago and did not mention any of this.

I had Monica tested at the U of W, when she was 2, by a world renowned doctor that specializes in FAS and FAE. I have read every book on the subject that I could get my hands on. She was diagnosed with some gross motor skill delays and some fine motor skill delays, she does not have FAS, for that I am so grateful, she more than likely has some Fetal Alcohol effects. she has never had to repeat a grade in school, she did have to have help in reading and math I did not drink through my whole pregnancy with Monica. I was in a inpatient Treatment center for several months of my pregnancy of which time I did not drink at all. My kids were all born alcohol and drug free, that is all on record. Monica has a 16 year old brother that has a 3.1 GPA, is active in school sports and I would like to add loves her and misses her very much. CPS will not let me or anyone in my family have any contact, they say I am not her mother because I have no parental rights. For reasons I highly regret, I relinquished my rights 10 years ago, at that time I thought I had no other options and it was my only way to stay in Monica's life. However, I was able to write letters via email through her old CPS caseworker, to Monica when she was taken into CPS custody in February 2006, I received one letter in that time from her around Christmas of this year, I know it was from her because she signed it "Poochie" which was my nickname for her, only she would know. She told me how she misses me sooo much(her exact words) I sent her Christmas and Birthday gifts through CPS, she now has a new caseworker so I have never heard back from her. I don't even know if she received her gifts, I can't get her new caseworker to return my emails or phone calls.

The guilt and shame never goes away, I live with this everyday, I just hope and pray Monica is doing OK and she know how much I love her.

2007 May 8