Beth Peterson from ICHILD writing to David Smolin

David & Desiree,

I had formulated a LONG response to your email, to be sent to the ICHILD list. But have now changed my mind. I won't help to flame the fires on the public ICHILD list. I respect the many members who are leaving the group or writing to me privately asking me to step in....so this goes privately....

We do not know one another personally, but have known of one another for years. I have NO issues with you other than a growing discomfort while reading your posts....

Re: ICHILD:

I resent that you (and a few others) seem to believe that you need to stay active on ICHILD in order to give a balanced perspective, and that you are enlightening ICHILD as a group with your insights and knowledge. We have functioned (as it was intended) very nicely for years. YES...we would like you (and others) to stay on the list if there is a give-&-take. Yes, we have always been open to discussing difficult issues right along with the positive. But I personally am SO tired of those who ONLY speak up when there is 'flaming' to do. SO tired of feeling as if I am bring preached to. It is entirely possible that I am not educated by what you (and a few others) have to say. I may even know more than you (or others) think I do....

And mostly recently, I personally resent this last email from you, which leaves me feeling like I need to defend myself.

I don't appreciate your quoting of my five year old email. ONLY because it leaves me with the feeling that I have just been implicated in some sort of plot to get un-suspecting adoptive parents to consider children they are not prepared to consider. And now it seems....you are looking for someone to blame. Or perhaps I misunderstand what you have 'said' in your post. As you know the internet does not lend itself to clear messages between two people. So, please let me know....have I misunderstood you, or.....have you suggested that I personally (and ICHILD as a group) have played a part in your difficult adoption experience?

You said:

In our case, the optimistic tone of I-Child toward both older

child adoption and the Hyderabad/AP scandals were a major factor in

persuading us to go forward and accept our referral.

When my children have a disagreement, and they come running to me each letting me know the other is at fault. I often say (with sarcastic tone in my voice) "WONDERFUL....at least we know who is to blame. Do we feel better?? Is the problem solved?? NO..."

Often finding fault doesn't solve the problem. It doesn't really make us feel better.

And does that somehow change what happened??!! I formulated my long 3 page reply, and then realized I don't want to be dragged into something that can not have a positive outcome.

As I tell my children, 'when you are ready to talk about resolution rather than blame, then we can talk'....

Finally, since you brought it up, I had best reply to your comments on my meeting your girls in Hyderabad:

Yep....I had spent time with them in Hyderabad. I did not video tape your girls with the intention of representing them to an adoptive family. I video taped them because I video taped ALL the children who were my daughter's first family. I'm truly confused as to what you are hoping for. May I ask....How do you live with your daughters every day and know that someday you may need to explain all of this to them? Again, please tell me if I am misunderstanding what you are trying to say. From reading your posts, I am getting more about unfulfilled expectation than ethics in adoption....

You also said:

The children we eventually adopted were listed as waiting

children on the I-child web site. We asked several I-Child

individuals,

including you, for evaluations of the placement agency.

So...Chris is responsible for the agency that you eventually chose to work with?? Or me because I listed these girls on the ICHILD website?

In regard to Chris's 5 year old post:

I read this (and please correct me if you think I am wrong) as someone who is trying to help two young girls come home to a loving and accepting adoptive family....giving encouragement and hoping that the authorities in India would agree to allow a family that already had 5 children, adopt two more. These same types of situations go on today! Adoption is not a guarantee. When you choose to adopt, whether you like it or not, we must ALL give up expectations and control.

And:

The positive feedback we got from you was mirrored by those

whose

names we got from networking on I-Child. Many spoke about the 1995-96

ASD scandal in Hyderabad, but the general view was that it was due to

an

over-zealous US embassy official, who was no longer in her position.

I don't think too much has changed....that is STILL the view held by many who were involved in that situation. Corruption exists in Hyderabad and other areas. It needs to be stopped. But meanwhile, we NEED to keep finding families for children who wait.

As I recall, you, Chris, shared the general

I-Child view at that time. I have a copy of a long e-mail I sent to

you

about the various kinds of feedback I was getting to adopting these two

girls, 9 and 11, relinquished into ASD and now at Tandur, including Dr.

Jennista's feedback. I was reporting back to you since you had

referred

me to Trudy to check out the agency. I haven't yet located your

second

reply, if there was one, but I really do not recall any warnings at

all

from you. You knew how old the girls were, the orphanages and US

placement agency involved, and you at that time were not issuing

warnings.

Again...what have I missed? When did Chris become responsible for making decisions for families adopting older children? And since when do 889 members of ICHILD ALL have one view??

If I were to detail all of the steps we took to "check things

out," and the various feedback we got, it would require many pages.

The

purpose of this summary is to alert people on I-Child to the difficulty

of accurately checking into an intercountry adoption.

I could not agree more. The more information the better. RESEARCH RESEARCH! And then...it comes down to a leap of faith!

And a person could research themselves silly and still not have the final answer...or....the truth.

At some point for every single adoptive parent, they must take that step, must take a leap of faith....must be willing to accept what comes their way. Adoption is not a guarantee. We are not shopping for consumer-rated CD players. We are bringing another person into our family, good, bad or ugly.

As you may know, we had a VERY difficult first adoption. The process was very long and very difficult. It took a great toll on our family as after the process itself, we then had post-institutional issues to contend with....and we struggled. Thank God in our case we were able to overcome. My personal belief is that ours was a journey of destiny. Though it was difficult, we committed. From reading your emails, I can not help but feel you have feelings of regret? I'm not in your shoes, and it is possible I'm just mis-reading what you have posted. But I feel compelled to ask....What are you looking for David? You have said that things have improved and your girls are 'sweet'. Do you want compensation for a difficult adjustment? Who can you hold responsible for the fact that your adoption was not what you envisioned? What will you tell your girls about this crusade? How do you explain to them that they are loved and wanted by your family yet you need to look for someone to be accountable? In my opinion, ...there are often not enough answers, and sometimes no truth to be found.

My own belief, back in 1998, was that you needed to avoid a few

crooked/irresponsible individuals, but that you were fine so long as

you

dealt with legitimate, long-standing agencies. My own belief now is

that even very legitimate US agencies are willing to work with

situations

in other countries that are quite questionable.

Yes indeed and I don't need to be enlightened on who those folks are or what's going on. I live it every day.

But I will say that there are plenty of us out here, fighting every day to see that things are done in an ethical and legal manner. Many of us are trying to work together to see that corruption and illegal/unethical behavior is stopped. But let's be clear about what we are trying to achieve. I am NOT looking for someone to blame. I am trying to help to find families for children who wait, and doing so in an ethical and legal way.

Beth PK