Issues of Attraction

by Dianne Mathes

Isn't it ironic that the longing for connection which motivates search in adoption can also become the experience of being sexually attracted to the person you find?

All of us need to feel connection to ourselves and others in the world. It is a reality that many take for granted and yet it is the core of what is often lost to adoptees and birth parents and what they long for ... they have lost someone that they share a connection with.

The experience of feeling connected to someone we share biological qualities with is fundamental to knowing ourselves and is what we both need and long for....... it is the desire for a Genetic Attraction.

This need and desire transcends any conscious thought and works from feelings and intuition. Obviously the intensity of the need exists because there is a void. While we long for the experience of feeling connected, we may not be prepared for the intensity and depth of the feelings and may not know how to deal with them. Many people who enter into a reunion do not know the impact or need that adoption has created in their lives and thus are totally unprepared for the impact and intensity that reunion can bring.

That's not your fault. It's one of the realities of adoption but it does not make it any easier to deal with when you are in the middle. Once you have met your birth parent or birth sibling, it can be scary and confusing and feel very out of control to also discover you are experiencing sexual feelings for this person as well. It can also be exciting and a wonderful feeling at the same time.

It often helps to know what is going on when the need for Genetic Attraction becomes sexual.

One or both of you know something has been missing in your lives and you have found it in one another. One or both are now experiencing very deep and intense feelings.

Intense feelings in adulthood are often accompanied by sexual feelings, it is hard to know what to do with feelings and an experience which is so deep and so important.

One or both of you is terrified of losing each other and equally frightened of losing what it feels like. Acting on the sexual feelings can feel like the only way to make sure the connection and the way it feels is maintained.

The possibility that you will act on the feelings is greater within adoption reunion because: Inherent in the adoption experience is the reality of secrecy, the hiding away of self and feelings so few individuals come to reunion with the needed emotional experience to know how to form a strong non sexual connection within such powerful needs and emotions.

This depth and intensity needs expression and connection. There really are no other models for expression and connection with adults that are not sexual. While both of you will be upset and ashamed, sexual feelings bring a security and sense of being special to each other which you may need to feel and may not know how to get in other ways.

Something you long for and need (the genetic attraction) has swiftly become something you fear and are ashamed of (the genetic sexual attraction). You may feel ashamed and will want to push the experience and feelings inside and secret. It won't help to do this and you may end up feeling so bad that whether you act on the feelings or not, the opportunity for a loving, healthy non sexual connection is missed.

If you know someone who is experiencing a Genetic Sexual Attraction (If you are experiencing a sexual attraction, see if any of the ideas below might help and if they do, try them out with a friend or someone you trust):

All of us in the adoption triad need to understand the "layers" which are going on or we may completely unintentionally respond in ways that fire up the shame and fear which is already there. It's also important for all of us to recognize that none of the "layers" suggest that there is anything wrong with the individuals. This is common and the lack of experience in feelings or connection is normal when early connections were severed and feelings have been hard to define for yourself. What we do need to do is to support adoptees and birth parents in telling their story and unraveling the places and pieces that are complex and scary. Help them sort out what they are feeling, what is sexual and what is not and help them see if there are ways for them to get some of what they need without becoming sexually involved.

Sometimes very normal feelings and experiences become misinterpreted as sexual. The desire for time together without the presence of other family members and spouses may be interpreted by the reunited parties or others as odd .... it isn't ... it is one example of how the needs of adult adoptees and their adult reunited birth relatives are different than what would be normal if everyone had grown up together. There does need to be time to get to know each other, to honour the connection and to share the connection both have lived with without expression.

Both reunited parties need this and they need to keep some limits and boundaries. Most want to do this and don't know how ... again there are ways adoption affects the ability to say no and get what you need. Most adoptees and many birth parents have tremendous difficulty knowing what they need and how to get it. As a result when they know something is as important as a reunion, they are terrified of losing it and feel they need to do anything to hold on to this person.

And finally ....

An important key is beginning to trust yourself ... you are important and lovable even though adoption may have affected your ability to know this .... time will help you know that you're worth being with. GSA is tough to sort through so it may also help to link up with a support group (make sure the leader is comfortable talking about the subject) or see a counsellor or therapist who is adoption sensitive and specialized.