Genetic Sexual Attraction
article written in the A.A.C "Decree" by Barbara Gonyo - Winter 1987
What is this strange term? What does it mean? Does everyone who searches experience Genetic Sexual Attraction?
I’ll start by trying to explain what the feelings are that surround Genetic Sexual Attraction and tell you about some of the people who have shared their feelings with me.
Seven years ago I found my son. I was married with three grown children and one grandchild. I was 42 years old and my new-found son was 26 and single. Within three days of our first phone conversation we met at my home. We talked into the wee hours and he left making arrangements to talk and meet again very soon. I found myself acting and feeling very strange in his presence; as if I were sixteen again and dating. The fact that he reminded me so much of his birthfather did not make matters easier. There were feelings of tremendous anxiety between calls and meetings. My every thought was of him. I now knew what the term Magnificent Obsession meant. I felt as though I was trying to win him over like someone I wanted to date or marry. My desires to have physical contact were very strong. I wanted to hold him in my arms or hold his hand or wrestle him on the ground and tickle him and rub his back as I would have with my other children or my grandchild. As these needs progressed my feelings became very sexual and frightening. I felt ashamed and dirty. I was sure I was the only one with these feelings as no one had ever talked about such things in group meetings.
In a small group meeting months later I brought this subject up and received some strange looks which confirmed my fear that I was alone and weird. A few days later an adoptee from that meeting called me to say he too was feeling the same way about his birth mother. What a relief to know I wasn’t the only one. As time passed and we discussed the subject more, we found this was happening to a great number of newly reunited people; not only mothers and sons, but daughters and fathers, sisters and brothers and even mothers and daughters and brothers with brothers. This too was a relief to know because it really meant it was more than sexual. It was more of a need of physical bonding that was taking place. The next question was, “Does this happen to everyone who searches?” No. For example, what if a female adoptee finds three brothers, will she feel this way about all of them? Our knowledge about this brought us to the conclusion that the attraction happens between the two who are the most alike. They seem to have the most common gene pool.
The feeling has been described by some as being as though you have met a part of yourself. Like you are talking to yourself or a mirror image. This seems to be a type of self-love. One you never knew about or could understand before.
One girl talked of her need to be naked with her birthmother and touch skin to skin. No sexual activity took place as that was not the need. One male talked of his need to be sexual with his brother but, not being homosexual, they shared a woman.
My concerns grew regarding what would happen to a relationship between sibs or parents and child years later if they had a sexual relationship? At a conference a brave young man confessed that he and his mother had been sexual for three years from the time he found her at 18, until he was 21. That was ten years ago and they now have no contact at all because of the birthmother’s strong feelings of guilt and shame. He did not share those guilty feelings and said it was a very good three years of his life, and he now feels a great loss.
Looking into the sibling factor brought some new conclusions. What if they had been raised together? Would this feeling still be there? When you’re growing up together, a brother may feel great love and protective instincts for his little sister. Ask a child of 3 or 4 who they want to marry when they grow up and they may say, “my mommy or my daddy or my brother or sister.” They play together, fantasize together, and sometimes bathe together. They may experiment with sex together. Then they grow out of that stage because they put their relationship into society’s cultural taboo of incest.
What about the adult sibs who meet in their 20s or 30s for the first time? They can’t feel the incest taboo of our culture because they don’t feel like brother and sister. They may share the same interests. They may look alike and think alike. After their long separation they have strong need for intimacy. They go on a crash course of knowing everything about each other, a complete sharing of themselves to catch up to NOW. They bare their souls to make up for the lost years that they would have had together had adoption not separated them. This honesty seems to make them soul mates and puts them in an intimate situation. As adults, a need for intimacy can result in a sexual fulfillment as the ultimate or zenith in sharing or bonding.
In an earlier A.A.C. Decree, a letter was written to the Dear Diana column. It referred to someone with a strong physical attraction to a relative and the writer asked how long it would last indicating it was an uncomfortable feeling that he wanted to get rid of as quickly as possible. We want a cure. The answer given in the column was that it usually takes 3 months. It sounds as though it is a disease that must run its course. In my experience the feelings do not have a natural duration. Some people will always feel these needs. Others have said they lessen with time. Some have had a sexual relationship, some have not. Some who have had a sexual relationship seem to say they find some resolution and fulfillment while others feel the need to break off the relationship entirely.
I have found it easier at times to see my son in the company of others, even though I prefer him all to myself or to let a long period of time go by between communications. However, I find the feelings do return when I see or talk to him. It is difficult because we don’t know the taboo of mother and child because we met on an adult level. He calls me by name and we do not touch. So my needs to be intimate remain. I feel that if I had physical (non-sexual) touching it would help. If he could call me “mom” as a constant reminder of who we are instead of us being on an equal adult level that could help.
I know why there was a fear of discussing this subject to anyone outside the adoption movement. We all feared the professionals and opponents of open adoption or reunions, would build a case for continued sealed records and no openness in adoption. I feel that the opposite is true. An open adoption could eliminate the secrecy between siblings and parents and child. Having a form of contact would lend perspective to who we are as relatives.
What can we do about these strong urges and fantasies we feel? Where can we put these emotions? For the person who is single with no sexual partner, I feel this is an additional problem that I have no answer for, but if you are married, I recommend pouring out this unspent love and fantasy on your spouse. Putting it into action on an appropriate person can relieve these pent-up frustrations.