The unwanted twin but which one is it?

from: news.com.au

Andrew Bolt

September 21, 2007 12:00am

I THOUGHT we at least checked if people would make good parents before we helped to create their baby, Andrew Bolt writes.

Seems not. Because see what selfish souls we now make parents.

But the easy bit is to damn the two unnamed lesbians, who are suing a Canberra obstetrician for giving them two IVF babies instead of one.

Easy enough, when you consider the effect this will probably have on their twin daughters, now aged three, and bound to learn later of what their mothers have been up to.

What those girls will almost certainly learn is that one of them -- but which? -- was desperately unwanted. So their own mothers have said. Out loud. In a court. On oath. In the papers.

So cross are their parents at having two children that they are demanding $400,000 from their obstetrician for having two embryos implanted during an IVF procedure instead of the one the birth mother verbally asked for just before she was sedated.

How will these girls feel to know that far from being adored from the start, cosseted by the unconditional love all children deserve, one at least was so unwanted that her mothers contemplated aborting her.

As the weeping birth mother told the court: "I remember sitting on the couch and feeling devastated, absolutely devastated.

"The experience of my pregnancy was so far removed from what I had anticipated that I was in relationship counselling, in a great deal of pain, and someone was suggesting that (adoption) was an option."

Her partner added that having twins destroyed the parents' relationship.

"She (the birth mother) always said that she had a big heart filled with love.

"I find (now) that she doesn't have the same ability to love that she used to and the same capacity to, I guess, embrace difference and issues as a couple or as a team."

So resentful have they been of their extra daughter (again: which one?) that even the bill for a routine bit of baby equipment seemed an insult to this couple, despite their $120,000 a year income. Said one: "It was like the last frontier of acceptance to spend hundreds of dollars on a pram."

The risk of the daughters learning all this -- taking on this guilt for just being born -- is bad enough, even though I'm sure their mothers tell them they are loved, and mean it.

But the mere process of suing the obstetrician may affect the girls today.

People who sue for damages have an incentive to tally up their grievances and to keep them burning hotly until the judge decides in their favour -- or not. The more hurt they demonstrate, the more their payout is likely to be.

How do I resent thee? Let me count the ways.

Rarely have I heard of anyone suing for damages and then, come their day in court, saying they've managed to get over all their pain, after all.

So, how much time have these mothers spent discussing what a curse it's been to have their twins? How must this have affected their behaviour, however unconsciously, to girls who thrive on unstinting love?

All this is obvious enough, and explains the widespread anger at the mothers for cursing their fate -- and doctor -- in having what most parents regard as the awesome gift of a child.

But what also surprises me is these mothers seemed unprepared for -- and shocked by -- some of parenthood's most basic sacrifices.

It's not just that their bond seems to have been so weak. One of the mothers also complained that their relationship had become mired in the everyday tasks of raising children.

Hey! Join the club, sister. But love, you'll find, gets you through.

And, they added, having twins forced them to change their plans, especially the one of going to England.

But having children is like that. Bang have gone my own daydreams of dawdling on to another country. My children need the security of home.

Yes, having twins can be harder than having one child, but I know several couples, personally, who have also found it an unexpected joy, and not the devastation of their lives. Planning on one child, they found their hearts quite big enough for two.

In fact, you must wonder at the mother who says one child would have been heaven but two is hell. Was she truly ready for even the one?

And here's where we should put the tougher question: Who decided these women should have a child, anyway?

Having a child was not a decision for them alone, after all. A sperm donor had to be found, as well an obstetrician to implant an egg fertilised with the help of yet other specialists. And the implantation had to happen only after the couple was judged suitable.

But we don't actually check couples wanting IVF with the rigour that we do couples wanting to adopt, although in both cases we are handing over a child.

In the case of IVF, our attention has slowly been steered away from a careful consideration of the best interests of the children, and to the gratification of the mother.

In particular, IVF has become a beacon issue for gay rights, with the children too often seeming to be a political statement, rather than the ultimate gift of love -- and ultimate responsibility, too.

Lesbian couples and single women in Victoria can now can get IVF treatment, although only if the mother is medically infertile -- a restriction that doesn't apply in the ACT. But the Victorian Law Reform Commission has recommended that this infertility requirement be scrapped, which the Brumby Government may do this year.

But have we forgotten the children?

I have been close to several loving lesbian and gay couples. But I'm not too blind to see -- or too scared to say -- that some lesbian couples I've met seem united more by their politics of separatism than their sexuality.

In this case, I note the mothers chose as their sperm donor a Danish man, far away and presumably without regular contact with his children.

Is this in the best interests of his children? Should we be deliberately creating babies who can never really know their father, or have his love?

This, too, makes me wonder how these women came to be parents, with the help of so many professionals.

Be clear: I'm not accusing these women of not loving their children. I'm sure they do. I'm also not saying they don't deserve compensation for any mistake their obstetrician may have made. That is for the judge to decide.

I'm not even saying no lesbian couples should have children.

All I'm asking is whether this case is healthy for this couple's girls. And bugger the parents: it's the children who must come first.

They are helpless and need our love. So dry your selfish tears and smile. Tell them you adore them. Tell yourself, and tell the world, too.