exposing the dark side of adoption
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Part 2 of 2, I Still Have Issues


My 2nd marriage lasted 17 years, with one 1 year separation in there, somewhere.  Looking back at it now, all was pretty good until the last year and a half.  We had a daughter in 1990.  In 1992, my husband became very ill with a degenerative muscle disorder, was unable to work, and started getting SSD. I continued to work as an R.N. full time, so he became a "house-husband".  It worked well until his parents started interfering.  He would always take their side in things, and I felt that they came first, then our daughter, himself, and then me.  There was constant tension between us, I started spending even more time at work,  and that was my 1st priority.  When he asked for a divorce in 2002, I was relieved.  I never would have left him otherwise, because of his illness, so it was my "ticket" out.

Initially, our daughter lived with me, but as she became a more rebellious teen, and because of the demands of my job, she went to live with her father for about a year.  After all, he wasn't working, and he had spent more time raising her than I did.  I never bonded with her, either.  I thought it was because I had worked so much,  but after finding this site, and understanding AAD,  I realize that I was unable to bond with either of my children.

As my daughter's behavior got worse, her father was unable to deal with her.  I had been fortunate enough to meet my current husband by then, he had 3 daughters a little older than mine, so she moved back in with us.  He treated her as if she were his own.  He had a very close relationship with all of them .  My daughter still continued to get in trouble in school and with her group of friends. Finally, she ended up wanting to drop out of school, so she took her GED at age 16, and passed.  She got a job right away, and I truely believe she learned more doing that, than she could have by sitting in a classroom.

She's now 18, still living with us, but gone most of the time, with work and a very small number of friends.  She also has depression and anxiety issues, and has great difficulty getting along with people.  It is very apparent that the lack of bonding with me, her mother, had an adverse effect on her as well.

You might say that Attachment Disorder is "hereditary", in that the issues related to my inability to bond with my children makes them unable to bond with others, which will include their children (if they ever have any), and will continue down the line.  I have mentioned these concerns to both of my daughters,  but they don't see it, right now.  I'm not going to give up though, for the sake of my grandchildren.

So, I am on marriage number three.  He was married twice before, too.  Hopefully, the older, the wiser.  We lived together for over 5 years before taking the plunge,  and have learned a lot from our previous mistakes. He is very aware of my issues, and is very supportive and understanding.  Hopefully, this one is forever!

by JAQUIE on Tuesday, 03 March 2009