exposing the dark side of adoption
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Nobodysgirl's blog

by Nobodysgirl on Monday, 17 August 2009
I write this about my experience with finding my birth parent(s). I myself, had always held out hope and I guess a fantasy about my birth mother.. I know I have a birth father but my real emotional hang-up was my mother. Perhaps it was because in my adopted family it was my mother who I had the misfortune to spend the most time with outside of school. My father was a relatively gentle man but he worked- and my mother was a SAHM for most of the time I was with them. Perhaps it was her never treating me like her own, and using me to lash out at. I don't remember a single time she told me I WAS pretty. She'd say in front of me,' we have an attractive family', but to pay me as an individual that compliment 1 time, never. I know she did tell her blood daughter she was pretty.
I will state, I am grateful to have no memory of sexual abuse, nor did I grow up in a drug/alcohol addicted family. These 2 things for many adoptees, are a luxury they never got. 
Anyway back to my lament-  I ALWAYS WANTED MY 'MOMMY'.
In my mind, in spite of giving me up for adoption, she was my unspoken answer of undying love and acceptance. She loved me enough to eventually give me up for better- so she must have loved me.
When I beacame a mother I happened to have a differently abled child. The genetics gave me a reason to search . This need and my own selfish motives of being taken back and loved forever. I was relatively lucky in that it didn't take years- in fact by the time my child was 11 months old I had found and met my mother. Thanks to my birth grandmother(GM) buying her a plane ticket.
The greatest gift my mother did give me, was in fact my birth(GM). Thank God b4 she could think about it, she had told me that there was someone who wanted to talk to me. It was my GM. I got 7 yrs of unconditional conscious love from my GM, I savor every bit of it.
Sadly, my mother for what is is worth was a total bummer. I found her to be an ungrateful, self absorbed,(oh woe is me) emotionally immature human being that after 50+ years, still blamed my GM for everything that happened to her- even after she was of age. All her hurts, fuck ups and choices- she couldn't see were her own after she turned of age. Worse yet, she still insisted on punishing this woman for it, every time she talked to her.
Now,1 would think as a casual observer, who always expected the worst but hoped for the best- and feeling like I was on the outside looking in,(me) that she would have been able to separate the issues of her life. It was not be, she was still a wounded woman/child blaming another person who had issue of her own.
My Grammy had left home at 14 to marry a man 20+yrs her senior to escape the abuses of her own family,(her mother used to say-I cold kill you and tell God you died) She was a virgin and was basically raped by her new husband and was saddled with 3 kids by the time she was 18 yrs old. How could she know how to be a a good mother if this was her plight at such a young age? Never mind that the father rejected the last child born as not his for being born darker (exhibiting the Native American blood from GMs side- not the German/Dutch of his) and had stolen the 2 older kids included was my B.mother thus forcing my GM to have to work, to support herself and her rejected boy.
I found it much easier to get along with my GM, we could converse like 2 adults and with a natural affinity we got along famously. I know this irked my B.M. she is so immature that she felt jealous. How dare I love this woman was her feelings. I felt like in my BM's case she was unable to even tell me the truth very well since she was so immersed in her own world. She sadly had no idea who my B.Father was. My GM was willing to visit her past even if it brought up old wounds- but not my BM. My GM was really a balm for me, while I tried to maintain a civil communication with my BM that she couldn't handle.
I too was a balm for my GM, as she could look at me and see her daughter, (I happened to look nearly identical) so she could enjoy seeing her daughter and having a relationship with a grown child of hers.
After about a year, I quit trying to talk to my BM, I would be in tears over her ignorance, and unwillingness to forgive- now even me since she viewed my relationship with my daughters father a sin and called us 'devil worshipers'. (I had my daughter out of wedlock, though I foolishly married him at the time she was 4) She in her twisted world was a religious zealot, amongst other things.
The let down over my 'mommy issue' took me about 2 years to get over. I had not verbalized it to myself even, and to feel the rejection of a mother all over again, was  painful. Not crippling but certainly it smarted. I found working through it- I was quite OK with the fact that I had had 'bad parents' who adopted me rather than being raised by her for any longer than she did. I feel I dodged a spiritual bullet.
I did what I could to find out my bloodlines and any 'maladies' and have placed this experience in it's own place in my heart. There was no knowledge of Albinism in my search, but I have thus found out that often children born this way were often abandoned in the Native American cultures, and as far as the Pennsylvanian Dutch/Germans they often killed them or locked them away refusing to acknowledge their existence or birth. So it's no wonder that my GM or BM had no idea of these recessive genetics. W/out my BFathers side of the genetics and no abilities to find him, this will forever be a mystery,
I won't be having any more kids as far as I know or expect, as I have chosen this for myself out of a sense of guilt for not personally raising my child, and how it might feel to her, if I did. I was a very good mother in spite of her fathers abuses, and I want to be there for her when she comes to that total realization and not be saddled with the needs of another, or be any more heartbroken if things don't go as expected.
I've forgiven my BM in my heart and spirit, for she is a pitiful lost soul. I didn't get the happy reunion with her that I had wanted, but I did find that I got just what I needed.
by Nobodysgirl on Tuesday, 11 August 2009

I happened across this site looking for something else. The name caught my eye as I have been known to refer to myself as a Pound Puppy, concerning the fact that I was adopted by parents w/ that exact mentality. I grazed this site to see what the mission was and found it might actually be a place I could explore the vast scenario of my life's experiences openly/privately w/out being judged. I felt a forum where I could vent and disclose the very trauma's that society deems untasteful and unable to talk about- much less cease to continue. 

I was born to a single mother in CA. and the product of a few night stand. She placed me up for adoption at 3 yrs old, and I was fostered by good parents for a year. Adopted at 4yrs  by 2 parents with 3 of  their own children all older than me by 1.5-5years. In pictures and on paper it seemed a good match. It was not. They ended up abusing me emotionally and physically (not sexually). I was the resident whipping post. I was diagnosed and treated for ADHD. I had a good Psychiatrist and was medicated w/Ritalin.  Their abuse continued till it was discovered by my 6th grade school teacher.  The insidious thing about abuse is the abusers convince you that you deserve the abuse, and if you tell you'll get more -using it to control you ever speaking up.  I never did tell until my teacher spotted the bruises on my wrists and arms and cornered me at her desk, not letting me leave till I disclosed what had happened the night before.  Due to the humiliation these white upper middle class parents suffered by being discovered and reported to the police and Social Services they took their fantastic insurance policy and shopped it around till they heard what they wanted.  Somewhere I could be housed, schooled and 'psychologically' treated all rolled into 1. They excused themselves by telling themselves it was a to protect me from  getting INTO trouble. So at the ripe young age of 12 yrs old I was committed. (This was 1980, now in NC.) Taken from my highly concerned Psychiatrist and totally against his professional opinion, pleas or advice. Once placed there he had no controls. Now there I was promptly placed on heavy psychotropic drugs (for which I had no diagnosis) but used to pad the bills and abuse, control, and cook a young developing mind and body. I remained  institutionalized for 5 years, till I was 17 yrs old. During which time my adoptive parents quit coming to visit or even communicate with me, and abandoned me. I was the youngest child ever committed there for 3+ years, so my innocents was sorely abused by both staff and children alike. They also had a strict NO TOUCH policy for the staff and children of any kind. I had no one to visit me,  protect me,  write me,  advocate for me, or even love me.  These parents had fed me to wolves for an insurance policy of $68,000 a year. All the while countless abuses are being done, and reinforced. What child knows the laws of basic human rights? What is truly right and wrong...in that kind of depraved hell hole?  Eventually, I began to run away. I was eventually found by a Legal aide attorney, after being put into isolation for running away.(the standard practice/punishment) I had been gone 6 weeks and I was in isolation for more than 3 months when she found me. I was 16 yrs old then.  She poured over my records and got the forced meds stopped. Filed legal paperwork against my parents for abandonment. Got me emancipated. The judge told the program to find me a suitable home in 3 months at that time. But, still a year later 1 was not found, and I was turned out into the street with less than 24 hours notice. Reason was: I had no medical diagnosis to be there.........  After I have been robbed of my childhood, horrifically abused on countless levels, orphaned 2 times before I was 17 yrs old, and without any more support than the $250.00 cash a month in child support my parents were forced to pay legally till I turned 18 years old. I was turned out the back door into the damn street with only the clothes on my back and in black garbage bags. Suffering the worse case of 'Stockholm Syndrome' and PTSD had ever known. This is my story. This is my experience of adoption. This has been my burdens. I did seek out the childhood Psychiatrist for answers. He informed me of how his hands were tied, but that it wasn't my fault. I NEVER deserved to be treated that way,and that he had begged, pleaded,and advised my adopted parents to not place me there and to ease up on me. He's now dead. My legal aide lawyer is now dead. Nearly all the people that can verify my truths are now dead. My life has been reduced to some microfilm somewhere that someone transcribed according to the way they chose to write it. I have been misunderstood and on the outside looking in for what seems like- forever now. All the things people take for granted in their life. At 17 yrs old I had no past I could speak of publicly,& lost all my childhood friends, (how do you tell anyone where you've been for 5 yrs)no school proms, no graduations, no birthdays, no holidays,  no gifts, no one that loves you enough to show you you matter when you feel like you don't. That safety that only love can bring. That place to lay down your burdens, and rest awhile, and not have them thrown back in your face cause you won't 'play their game'.  I know bad things happen to good people, but- I have yet to figure or recover from these issues. Eventually I tried to build a family through a marital relationship. This was the only way I was ever going to have a family- but my choice of a passive-aggressive, man that knew all the right things to say, and none of the actions to back them up, eventually cost me the 1 child I bore. He never valued me as an equal, or even our child enough to keep his word, or or provide a safe and healthy environment for her to grow up in. He lied to me, her, his family and  eventually when the time was right for him, used all my past against me again. (Thankfully, I had enough foresight and selfless love to place her in a stable 2 parent home where she has everything a child needs, wants and deserves. Including an in-ground pool, horses, a place at the beach, lots of friends and social activities, an active church life she loves, and  the safety of a clean well maintained home. I am free to visit there. She was 6 yrs old when I did this, she's now 14 yrs.) If I had had any support system, or family I would have taken her myself and left, but having none and knowing what it was like to be a single person all alone in this world- I couldn't chance her future being scarred by poverty or witnessing my struggles in the first person.  The  lazy bastard I married still wouldn't leave for another 4 years after I placed her, knowing how I hated him. I  really had nowhere to go,  so he chose to antagonize me by my knowing he had 5 different family members that wouldn't let poor him sleep in the street, while I died inside....Eating my heart out over having to protect my child from him, while I couldn't even protect myself from him. When his mother sold her house, and payed down her estate by giving each of her own children $75,000-$100,000 he was making plans with other women and and he hid the cash in a NY bank account, he then proceeded to file for separation and leave.  But not after he starved me and my (then) menagerie of pets(some to death) while I alone was left to watch and pick up the pieces, and alone bury them, and stressing me to the point of my having a few nervous breakdowns, and being recommitted now as an adult. I used to think my childhood was bad, but what he did to me, combining it into a double whammy, was by far worse. My untreated ADD is compounded by the garbage I can't put behind me w/out meds, and the PTSD, has made me paranoid of any kind of doctors care. The last thing anyone has a right to mess with is your mind.  This was the final thing another good Shrink told me before I found out he too had died a few yrs back.     Nobodys'girl