exposing the dark side of adoption
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Pip's blog

by Pip on Friday, 21 September 2012
This question was asked on Y!A:  How can we back out of this adoption? I feel kind of guilty...? 


Unfortunately I was surprised by the additional information and will quote the parts that got my hackles up.

"We met the BM (Paige) though our minister, she's only 17 and seemed excited about us adopting the baby."

I hate the term birth mother with a vengeance and it's a term that I first heard of in 2004 after I found my son.   To shorten it to BM is simply insulting as I immediately think of bowel movement.   From a personal point of view I wanted to raise my son so abortion wasn't an option and adoption never crossed my mind.  Regardless of my choice I chose to go through pregnancy because I loved my unborn child.  Birth mother is a cold term to use.  Mothers don't become pregnant just to provide adopters with a child. 

Anyway the mother claimed to have been assaulted by her step father but the baby is obviously biracial.  The step father can't be the father of the baby as he is Scandinavian.

"But while we feel sympathy we are at an impasse. We aren't prejudice at all, in fact some of our friends are black but my DH, DS and I all have blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes. We were expecting this child to be the same, just like her parents. If we were to adopt this child everyone would know she was adopted or else think I cheated on my husband! Also the child would one day realize she didn't look like the rest of the family and may come to the conclusion they were adopted"

by Pip on Tuesday, 18 September 2012

I was 19 and working for the civil service when I had my son.  Abortion wasn't an option as I knew i wanted to raise my son and adoption never crossed my mind.  My parents were furious so they arranged everything.  I believed all the lies they told and the lies that the case worker from the adoption agency told me.  It never occurred to me that my parents would lie to me or that the case worker would with hold information as well as lie.   I didn't even know I couldn't consent to surrender my son until he was at least 6 weeks old.  When I was told it was too let to stop the adoption I gave up the will to fight any more even though I had never agreed to my son being adopted.  I was expected to get on with my life and to forget my son.  My only way of coping was to lock my emotions away although I thought about my son every day.

When I found my son 23 years later without actively searching my emotions exploded to the surface.  It took me another year before I realized how depressed I was and how much adoption had affected me as a person.  During this time I quickly realized how low opinions were of mothers who had surrendered.  However the most hurtful comments came from my own mother.  She had the attitude that my son's adoptive family were his only family and I was nothing to him.  What had made it even worse was that he had found my family five years before I found him.  They had told him they didn't know where I was and my mother even sent him a letter telling him to accept that I didn't want to be found.  This was an out right lie as she knew I wanted to be found.

My in laws have been more supportive so I have endured the stupid comments in the early days.  The only one that annoyed me was one of my sister in laws saying that my son shouldn't call me mum as the only one allowed to be called that was his adoptive mother.  It took her a long time to get it that just because I hadn't raised my son didn't stop me from being one of his mothers.

Over the past eight years I have had to deal with awful attitudes particularly from adoptive parents who have adopted new borns.  I have been told that I am a liar because I tell it as it is about being coerced, that I've been outed as a liar due to an interview about how reunion affected my marriage, that I really wanted my son adopted, I blame everybody else for what happened.  Just because BSE ended in the 1970's doesn't mean that coerced adoption also ended   The tactics simply changed.  I know what happened to me and I believe other mothers because they went through similar experiences.  Unfortunately a certain section of society sees us as throwaway mothers!