Sexual Abuse - Sibling

 From:  Sibling Sexual Abuse - A Parent's Guide

Sibling sexual abuse is a misuse of power and authority. Older children who sexually abuse their younger brothers and sisters frequently abuse them in other ways as well.

Persistent putting down, teasing, or belittling younger children about their size, gender or other personal characteristics is called emotional abuse. Scaring younger children in dark rooms, telling them that no one loves them, or that terrible things are going to happen to them are also examples of emotional abuse.

Much of the hitting, pinching and smothering of younger children is dismissed by bigger or older siblings who tell their parents, 'We were only having fun' or 'We were just wrestling.' However, this isn't 'just fun' if it's forced on the younger child; it is actually physical abuse.

If you are able to prevent your children from emotionally and physically abusing one another, you are less likely to have to deal with sexual abuse as well. Children who are allowed to abuse their siblings emotionally and physically may use their power in sexual ways as well.

Frank’s Story

Frank was charged under the Young Offenders Act with sexually abusing his younger sister Kathy. His probation officer enforced the court order that he attend counseling.

Frank, who was 15, told his counselor that his classmates were bigger and more sexually ‘successful’ than he was, and that one of them had dared him to have sex with a girl.

He said that he was afraid to even talk to a girl, let alone ask for a date. He admitted that he made his younger sister Kathy have sexual intercourse with him one evening when he was babysitting her.

Then Frank’s mother told the counselor that Frank’s father had forced sex on her in front of the children on a number of occasions. She disclosed that he often beat her if his meals weren’t ready on time. The counselor encouraged her to take Frank and Kathy to a transition house as a temporary measure, while she decided whether or not to stay with her husband.

There are many benefits to court-ordered counseling for sibling sex offenders. In Frank’s case he learned some social skills that helped him get along better with other teenagers, and he stopped copying his father’s abusive behavior. He also learned to take responsibility for his own behaviour and to control it. Other outcomes of the family crisis included his mother being able to leave an abusive relationship and Kathy starting to see a sexual abuse counselor. Following his conviction, Frank’s father was charged by the court to seek counseling and to change the way he treats women and children.

What Factors contribute to sibling sexual abuse?

An older sibling, usually a boy, is given too much responsibility

It’s an important part of family life for older children to learn to take responsibility for the care of younger children. It’s just as important for children to understand that this responsibility has limits. Responsibility allows older children to make decisions while taking care of younger children. But it doesn’t give them the right to boss them, put them down or threaten them. As parents, you must help them see that having responsibility doesn’t mean that they can do whatever they want. Frank’s story is a good example of an older brother who is given responsibility and misuses it.

Children who have witnessed or experienced sexual abuse

Children who have been sexually abused, either by family members or by adults or older children, sometimes react by coaxing, manipulating, or forcing younger children into the same kind of sexual behaviour. Brothers and sisters may become the victims of this ‘second hand’ abuse. Sexually intrusive children who act out their own abuse in this way are sometimes called ‘sexually reactive’. It’s important for you to know that children who are being sexually victimized may become sexually intrusive.

Access to pornography

Parents who leave pornographic videotapes or magazines where children can look at them run the risk of having their children imitate adult sexual behaviour.

Neglect

If children are neglected, either physically or emotionally, they might engage in a full range of sexual activities. They might try sexual activities they have learned from other children, or they might experiment, on their own, to learn how to get sexual pleasure. Part of their behaviour might come from their need to give and receive comfort when they’re getting non from their parents.

Sexual activity between siblings which begins in this way might, at first, appear experimental and mutual. However, because o f the power differences between children, it rarely is. If the behaviour continues, it can become abusive, especially if one of the children wants to stop and the other doesn’t.

Lack of sex education

Children and teens who are not taught in an age-appropriate way about their physical and sexual development are more likely to engage in sexually intrusive behaviour.

Inadequate socialization

Children who are not allowed to play with their peers, and teenagers who aren’t allowed to date, dance or socialize outside the home, are more likely to sexually abuse younger siblings, just as Frank did.

Denial

We often tend to see our own families as free from the trouble and tensions that other families have. When you do this, or try to explain away unusual behaviour or pretend it isn’t happening, this is called ‘denial’. In some situations, parents may wish to deny that abuse has taken place because it brings back memories of their own abuse. While denial doesn’t cause sibling sexual abuse, it may contribute to it’s continuation.

Feeling overwhelmed

If you feel overwhelmed by your own problems — which can include emotional stress, illness and unemployment — you might not be able to detect the abuse even when it’s happening. At times like this your extended family or a social service agency might be able to relieve the stress, and give you a chance to look at what’s really happening in your family.

Why might it be difficult to recognize sibling sexual abuse in my family?

As a parent you might find it hard to see that one of your children is being sexually abused by a sibling. There are several reasons why parents of sibling sexual abuse victims have difficulty recognizing that it's happening:

While the abuse is happening, the victim might be too young to know it's abuse. The victim may believe that the abuse is something that happens in all families.

The abuse might be happening when the abuser is in a position of authority; for example, when an older sibling is the baby-sitter.

The abuser may be enforcing secrecy by threatening the victim with physical abuse if he or she tells.

Victims blame themselves, especially if they experience pleasure while they're being abused, so they may not tell you about it.

Children may want to tell, but not know how to talk to you about what's happening. Also, many children are afraid to upset their parents.

You may see some of the symptoms of sibling sexual abuse, but tell yourself it isn't happening.

Parents who talk to their children about what has happened during the day and who ask about their feelings may be more likely to recognize sibling sexual abuse than parents who don't.

If one of my children is abusing another child in my family, what should I do?

If your child is sexually abusing another child in the family, you report the abuse to your local child protection agency. While the way you do this may vary from province to province, the child protection agency in your province is responsible for helping both the victim and the offender. If your child is 12 or over, the child protection agency must report the abuse to the police. The police will decide whether or not to charge the child. If your child is under the age of 12, he or she cannot be charged with a sexual offense.

Admitting to yourself that sibling sexual abuse might be happening in your family can be hard. Admitting it to someone else can be even harder. The important thing is to get help. It is often helpful to get support from family and friends, but you might have to rely on others. Often these others are professionals. As a parent you may feel in a state of despair and confusion when you realize that one of your children, is abusing their sibling. You may feel disappointed and may feel that you have failed as a parent. Joining a parental support group may help you acknowledge and accept your feelings.

No matter what your child's age, there are options as to what happens after you make the report to your child protection agency.

Under 12

Many counseling centres that treat victims of sexual abuse also have programs for "sexually intrusive" children. These are children who have been acting in sexually aggressive ways towards other children, but are under the age of 12. In many cases these children are sexual abuse victims themselves. They need counseling for this as well as to change their behaviour towards other children.

12 and Over

There are several advantages to involving the police and the criminal justice system when the offender is a child over the age of 12. By using the court system:

We make a statement about how seriously our society views sexual abuse.

The victim knows he or she is believed.

The offender can get the help he needs.

The judge can make plans for the offender's treatment.

Treatment can take many forms. One option could include placing a teenage sibling sex offender on probation with an order to have counseling while living at home. In this case the teenager will have a probation worker who will make sure the judge's orders are followed.

If offenses are serious enough, the teenage abuser could be confined for a period of time in a detention centre. These centres are staffed by counselors and social workers who specialize in treating adolescent sex offenders. Treatment could include attending groups where the offender looks closely at his behaviour, and receiving individual counseling to help him understand it. The offender may also be taught basic social skills, such as how to make friends his own age, or how to ask for a date and learn appropriate sexual behaviour. Most important, compulsory counseling can help prevent the young offender from growing into an adult offender.

For more information, please read,  "When Children Act Out Sexually:  A Guide for Parents and Teachers" from Vancouver Family Services.