Controversy trails 'attachment' therapist who runs Chesapeake center

Comments

Counseling The Fostered and The Adopted

Statewide, more than $440 million in federal, state and local money was spent last year on services for 18,500 troubled children - nearly $24,000 per child.

A 2006 study by the Joint Legislative Audit and Review Commission, a state oversight agency, found that the system for serving such children is plagued by inadequate licensing and inspection procedures and a lack of tools for measuring effectiveness.

The rate for Post's Chesapeake group home is $457 a day, or $166,805 a year. Denise Gallop, coordinator of children's services for the Hampton Division of Social Services, said a typical group home rate is $250 a day.

These numbers reflect the adoption/foster after-care costs in one state.   Make no mistake, there is huge money being made by those who claim to know and understand "adoption issues".   So when I read how money is not making family services any better, but is IS making opportunists more wealthy, I just want to scream!  This proves even after adoption, (the solution for "better child-treatment") parents and children are still at a disadvantage when it comes to a growing industry's interests.

Putting that soap-box aside... Based on my own experience, I really don't think there are that many therapists or counselors who truly know how to reach or connect to the untapped frustration and anger that dwells inside the hearts and heads of many out-placed children/adults.  This is made even more difficult if there is a hidden pathology, like autism.

But let's say the child brought to therapy for behavior problems is neurologically-sound, (the child's brain is without flaw and is in perfect working order... because yes, there are diagnostic tests that can do that, ruling out autism and other dysfunctions like seizures and epilepsy....), I seriously doubt many children would go to a therapist with the foster/Aparent's present, and start spilling their guts out, admitting what's been so upsetting about out-placement.  I believe many of us use silence as our source of protection.  It protects us from having to feel all that's been hurt and lost, and it protects the new-parents from getting hurt or angry.  It's like marriage counseling.  What idiot is going to admit all their true negative feelings if the person being trashing about is sitting right there?  

The LAST thing an out-placed child wants to do is make yet another adult angry.

After all, in our little minds, don't many of us believe it's that adult anger and frustration that got us evicted from our homes and families in the first place? 

 

Attachment Therapy

We were offered Attachment Therapy.  It involves the parent and child in the room at the same time because of the possibility of triangulation.  In the past two years, I have NOT been a part of my two younger children's therapy, and ONLY when my child has personally asked me to be there, to make it easier for him/her to tell what happened, have I gone in.  PLEASE, explain this to me?  Their RAD is very minimal; could this be the reason for wanting me there with themselves? 

One Step Up From Bottom,
 Teddy

AT

I have to laugh at the concept of triangulation being avoided in a therapy-situation.  One of PPL's members, Robin, started a piece called "Ummm... Triad, what Triad?" .  I think in the world of adoption, the phrase "all things come in threes" has a whole different meaning outside the therapeutic milieu.

In any case, personally, from what I have learned about Attachment Therapy, most of it scares me.  Just the term "Holding Time", alone, makes my hands sweat with dread and disgust.  Imagine how scary this form of therapy is for the child being held, on a mat, with adult-force.  [A very good article on this practice can be found here:  "Man Seeks Ban on Therapy He Used on Daughter".]

I honestly believe Trust is the key to attachment, and that inner-feeling is so individual, one should never assume a child's heart, mind or opinion can be read.  This is what amuses me about AP's, or therapists for that matter... just because they see nothing wrong with a particular parenting-style, doesn't mean the child likes or trusts those people he is now expected to call "mommy and daddy".  Much can happen behind closed doors, which is why I suppose, AT requires the adult parent to be present.    Liability and consent go a long way in a law-suit.

Anyway, it's my opinion that only a child can determine who can be trusted at a given time and I believe that child's feelings and opinion need to be honored and protected.  Clearly, this can lead to all sorts of control issues, making the healing-process through therapy, that much more complex!

I'll be the first to admit I am very simple when it comes to this basic building-block principle: If there is no trust, there can only be trouble.  [Which can only mean, if trust has been broken, somewhere there must be a deep feeling of betrayal.]

Make no mistake...

Kerry wrote:
Make no mistake, there is huge money being made by those who claim to know and understand "adoption issues".

Well, the subject therapist in the article you posted is an adoptee, after all.  I'm curious, what qualifications do you look for in a therapist who understands "adoption issues"?

So when I read how money is not making family services any better, but is IS making opportunists more wealthy, I just want to scream!

Besides working for free, that is.

I seriously doubt many children would go to a therapist with the foster/Aparent's present, and start spilling their guts out, admitting what's been so upsetting about out-placement.  I believe many of us use silence as our source of protection.  It protects us from having to feel all that's been hurt and lost, and it protects the new-parents from getting hurt or angry.  It's like marriage counseling.  What idiot is going to admit all their true negative feelings if the person being trashing about is sitting right there?

Like Teddy wrote, attachment therapy involves both child and parents to avoid triangulation.  Individual therapy is something totally different.  We've made individual therapy an option when our children chose to make use of it.  They can initiate therapy sessions and are also free to discontinue them.  We've done this time and time again.

Even though we pay for it and are their legal guardians (some might actually call us "parents"), we're not privy to any confidential conversations.  My daughter has especially benefitted from individual therapy in dealing with PTSD issues originating from the time she spent in the "care" of her biological father.

The LAST thing an out-placed child wants to do is make yet another adult angry.

During the honeymoon period, perhaps, where their fear of another abandonment mutes most regressive behaviors.  After that, it's not uncommon for abused children, yes, even adoptees, to vent their anger at their current caregivers.

Dad

Fear of abandonment and betrayal

For what it's worth, not all adoptees take money for their efforts or opinions.  I believe PPL reflects the notion that somethings have value, like the future of all children, even if no money is involved or exchanged.  If the adults who have been abused can't offer insight, who can?  What we post here is out of passion, not for personal profit.  Many of us lost all there is to lose already, so what is money in the whole scheme of things if happiness and peace still cannot be found?

This leads me to the following comment:

During the honeymoon period, perhaps, where their fear of another abandonment mutes most regressive behaviors.  After that, it's not uncommon for abused children, yes, even adoptees, to vent their anger at their current caregivers.

I know for myself, why and where I stand with those two issues.  It's the very reason why I have a VERY difficult time with  intimate relationships. 

So, as an Afather, do you really think "abandonment" and "betrayal" EVER go away, especially for the female who was raped and abused?  Are these issues brought to a child exclusively by the biologic parents, or can abuse take place in an orphanage, a children's home or adoptive/foster home, as well?  [Quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of people assuming all abuse takes place PRIOR to parental removal and child-placement!]

Can you see how certain abuses, no matter when or where they take place, curse the life of those having to live with the stinking memories?  [Thus my topic-discussion on suicidal tendencies within the fostered and adopted population.  This is a number not counted, statisically, because it's an issue quickly and easily ignored because it reflects badly on the adoption-friendly community.]

I believe when there is acting out, there is hope, because that anger is being released.  Anger needs to be managed, and I think that's a lesson many of us still need to learn.  (Myself especially included! )

Yes, Big D, I know all about displaced anger.  It's not at all easy to deal with, but in these cases, it's the adult-thing to remember, "it's not me, it's what I represent, and I can handle that anger". When I worked in an Oncology unit, I used to see many angry faces.  You know what I learned?  They were all scared... no, TERRIFIED people, wishing someone would sit with them and tell them, "It's going to be ok."  [If at all interested you can read the story of one of my favorite cancer patients, Mr. Kessler.  It was this man's wrath that taught me even the most fierce bear can be tamed.]

What should concern parents and therapists, (and loved ones, too... because attachment issues are not limited to children!) ?  Know that a significant change in behavior is the sign that something needs to be investigated with care and concern.  A responsible person knows, the physical safety of a person must ALWAYS be respected and protected.  This is especially true when a person's anger seems to go have gone away.  All too often, I have learned, sadly, that the quiet most people see as a behavioral improvement may in fact be the calm before the storm, meaning the anger has turned inward... that's when I believe silence becomes dangerous and at times, deadly. 

Dealing with What I know

During the honeymoon period, perhaps, where their fear of another abandonment mutes most regressive behaviors.  After that, it's not uncommon for abused children, yes, even adoptees, to vent their anger at their current caregivers.

that's not true.  i never once did this while my parents were alive.  despite a mountain of emotional neglect and later abuse.  and there was no honeymoon period.  there was for my parents, but for me it felt the same year after year. 

I know absolutely nothing about my pre-memory, pre-adoption days. 
Given that, I have to base the analysis of my life from when I was cognizant forward, which is all I can do.

Deriving from what I know, my poor attachment to my parents was based on the environment in which I was placed and the people I was placed with.

My environment was not of my choosing.  My parents were not of my choosing.  The expectation of attachment from first strangers and then caretakers/adoptive parents was a mandate that I was always expected to embrace.  That's a lot of pressure on a kid, in my opinion. 

As I read somewhere else, put by someone else, what if you just fundamentally don't like or don't respect the new people you are forced to live with? 
How would you like to be forced to live with someone you didn't like?  How would you like to be forced to live with someone who didn't consult with you first? I always rationalized that my parents were okay parents.  But at the same time I knew they thought about themselves more than anyone else.  So in my case, I knew I could never trust them with my best interests.  That's pretty fundamental, and from what I'm hearing, it's the global theme from adoptees about the adoption experience.

When I grow attached to someone, it is by free will, born of freedom, born of admiration, grown over time and without pressure.
Pressure has the opposite effect.  It makes me retreat.  It violates my self determination.  It is disrespectful.  It makes me angry.

Dealing with RAD kids might be a challenge.  But you brought that on yourself.  The very act of adopting created or exacerbated whatever RAD was there. 
Maybe your kids will always resent you.  You abducted them in the name of charity and your own needs.  And now you expect them to respond to and embrace total assimilation. AND love you because of it?  Did you ever explore the possibility that maybe it's their right to not bond, attach, or love you?  Maybe they'll get over it.   They'll probably submit at some point, what other choice do they have?  But will they ever TRULY get over it? 

Maybe they'll become adults and join this or similar websites, putting up with adoptive parents trying to find a way to discount the way we feel, trying to argue about something that can't be argued about. 

The nature vs. nurture exploration doesn't even register a blip on my radar screen.  What registers on my screen are the prevailing attitudes of passing the buck and refusing to acknowledge our own contributions to the problem.  

The central premise

Its central premise is that behavior problems are traceable to early trauma - perhaps even in the womb - that prevented the children from forming a normal attachment to their birth parents.

I understand why this central premise of Attachment Therapy is so tempting for some adoptive parents. Much like this article, almost every sentenced uttered by Adam Perman and the words and works of Ron Federicci show that the emphasis of modern day adoption research and adoption related therapy is focused on the wrong doings of the natural family or the effects of institutionalization. Until the early 1990's, the time adoption really became an industry, several studies were done on the effect of adoption on adoptees and the socio-dynamices of  the adoptive family.

Not anymore. Nowadays all issues adoptees can have must be relegated back to the time before the adoption. Adoption has become too precious a source of income for many so-called professionals, the act itself is defined as benevolent and if the aftermath doesn't work out as expected, it is by definition in spite of all attempts and sacrifices made by the adoptive parents.

That's not science, that's marketing. Afterall, who is paying for therapy, special schools, boot camps and whatever other form of post adoption services available? Exactly... adoptive parents. One is not going to bite that hand that feeds the bill.

Some attachment issues of adoptees are indeed the result of neglect prior to adoption, but that is not the entire story. Some adoptees don't attach to their adoptive parents, because it doesn't feel safe, because they don't want to attach to these strangers, because something smells fishy instead of having a nest-scent. Some adoptees attached to their adopters only to be screwed over.

Attachment therapy then becomes coercive, making the child attach against its will. Candace Newmaker, didn't want to let go of her natural mother and that pissed off her adoptive mother so much, she chose to send her to a therapist to make Candace attach to her. She almost got what she wanted in the end, at least Candace stopped caring for her natural mother.

You said

Attachment therapy then becomes coercive, making the child attach against its will

I'd say ASSIMILATION is coercive, much less attachment...

Forced fit

I just had my own version of  a Vietnam flashback... "being forced to fit a certain image, and agree to a prescribed way of being". 

<shudder>

Assuming a position that fits "normal family assimilation".  What is normal, anyway... especially in adoption?  Mother father, brother, sister... what does that all mean to the one who is not blood-related?  We are NOT birthed into these "outside" families, so why do so many force the fallacy that rebirth can exist under force?

I wholly agree with your statements about freedom of choice, and how the control of another is a sure-fire way to get our defenses going.  In terms of personal survival, submission is the most deadly of sins.

If only I was accepted for who and what I was... ethnicity and name included.  If only I was allowed to keep my own interests, including everything related to and connected to my other family... if only I wasn't told to forget so many things... so many "if only's"... all far too personal for me to mention here and now.

There are some customs and traditions I refuse to follow, and you can bet my bottom dollar my children are glad I have broken from a family-past that I never wanted to keep.

The twisted irony I see to my adoption story is, being adopted by a married couple was supposed to be in my best interest.  Is has only taught me I am drawn to the non-traditional and bask in non-conformity!

 

[Which can only mean, if

[Which can only mean, if trust has been broken, somewhere there must be a deep feeling of betrayal.]

My two youngest have never had the chance to trust anyone.  Yet, I do believe they still feel betrayed even without knowing
trust.  Don't we all have feelings of how something "should be" and doesn't that cause feelings of betrayal when we KNOW something is not right?
I am so pissed off today!  I'm pissed at myself and the pain I have caused my children that I can NEVER make right.  This world does NOT care about children's pain!  I'm tired of the pissing matches with people who daily make decision that
totally change children's lives! 
Don't talk to me about foster homes and adoptive homes and attachment therapy!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Doesn't anyone understand the damage that is being done?  When it is too late is when people start to notice something isn't right... The betrayal has become a way of life that is stuck to the soul... how can that child/person ever trust again? 
Taken from the biological mom and placed in an orphanage; put in a foster home where the people move and leave him; placed in another foster home where it happens again, and then again!  At four he is taken to America where he is abused by an evil adopted brother who then leaves and he is treated mean by an adoptive sister who then leaves along with the adoptive father that he loved so much; left with the mentally depressed amother who lets the police come and take him to a foster home full of ass-holes and now being told he would be going to friends and then home to amother.
HOW can this child trust?  He has been betrayed by every person who took care of him and NEVER allowed to heal before another trust is broken and he is sent on his way.
And the pissing match that is going on with the foster parents is done right in front of this child who doesn't know how to say what he is feeling.  This is why I do not own a gun.

One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy