dad arrested

ok so I have this feeling my dad was arrested.  and put in jail. I'm pretty sure.  ok because for some reason, after my father hit me and I left-...

well I called the cops. I mean I'm glad I called the cops because all that anger-I feel that pent up anger-and I just realized that I had dealt with this abuse, and was abused for 15 years off and on...well, where was all the anger to go? it had mostly ...I had been mostly turning it against myself or hurting others unintentionally but still with sarcasm and the like.  I knew I could not ever abuse anybody like that but even with that, I'd make justifications by getting drunk and then hitting people.

Anyway, the point is, I'm not the person who I once was today.  However, I feel this strange guilt that my father is in jail but know that deep down he should be.  I feel scared of what other people may think..? or...that they wouldn't understand. I know this is stupid and doesn't even matter but ...well, when I was 15 or 16 around this age I called the cops.  I had gone to all other sorts of resources but the cops were my last option because my father was a cop.  and just as I feared but worse than I feared they put my mother as the victim because I had called her names and pushed her off of me. she had been holding me down on the couch, while hitting me and that's why I pushed her off. but...anyway, let's not recap into the whole thing. the point was, I didn't trust the entire police dept. after that in des plaines.  and then when this incident came about I realized it was a chance for me to right a wrong.  I wanted to go straight to the mayor because my father had said one time he was an asshole so I figured he wasn't-and they instead kinda directed me to the city manager. I talked with him about it-and there was already a dcfs investigation. and now I'm not sure what's going on. I talked with a few counselors told them my story because--well I was fucked. and I know very well I put myself in this situation and now need to not ever go back-there's just no possible way.  Thank God for that. But my mother called a few days ago and left me a message saying, "Let us try and help you." Can you see the insanity in that or am i just totally...? I don't know what.

And then yesterday she left a message which I didn't listen to totally because I didn't want to but all I heard was "your father--this is just what we need now."

And so...I feel scared about this.  almost frightened that something   bad could happen to me because I did the right thing.  because for so many years ...i know bad things did happen to me even though I did the right thing.  life seemed totally unpredictable and uncertain.  but now I know it doesn't have to be that way today.  I know that that was just all unneeded chaos and evil that's somehow a part of this world. at least that's what I believe. Does this make sense?

I sometimes just feel crazy.

Thanks for listening.

Jane