Script (and character) Change

Years ago, as I was first emerging from my self-imposed silent tomb, a friend I called Bones told me about a book he read.  [We were both voracious readers and very into the self-help/recovery route.]  He said this particular author wrote about life-scripts and how "victims" need to change their own scripts if they want their personal lives to improve.

At the time, I thought I knew what this meant, especially since I ALWAYS kept my real thoughts to myself.  If I was going to change my unhappy living-situation, I had to assume a stronger speaking role.  I had to stop being "the victim" and live like a survivor, (whatever the hell that really means!)  Well, I did... I got bold and I spoke my mind and discovered that approach worked fine, for about six months.  Now, to be fair, those six months were amazing.  I said and did things I never thought I would do, like travel to London all alone and pretend I was a very normal well-adjusted human being.  I was liberated and it was liberating... and terrifying, too.  The problem was, I soon discovered this too was yet another role I had quickly assumed.  I was telling myself I could change my life if I changed the way I spoke and appeared.  But that was not true.  I was NOT confident... I was NOT bold and I was still surrounded by the same cast of characters who expected the same exact things they always expected from me -- a return to the good ol'days when everything was perfect, including quiet, non-confrontational me.  It made no difference that the perfect image was not real or even human... all that mattered was the illusion of non-complaining perfection remained for all to see and experience.

I'm giving myself another chance at this survival crap.

I'm learning I need to voice my honest thoughts and opinions and surround myself with those who like, admire and respect (not punish) those qualities in me.  What good is it changing my behavior if the characters around me refuse to change their roles and behaviors, too?    It helps knowing I am far from perfect...I make stupid mistakes and I really need a lot of coaching and guiding.... BUT that honest reality helps me see how "perfect" has it's hidden flaws and dangers, and I know the sudden unveiling of the truth is a scene I no longer want to repeat.