Just Be Yourself

When I was a teen, my Adad used to tell me I had a hard look to my face... something I needed to change.

When I got a little older, he told me I should be less like other people, and more like myself.

I remember I would look at him and ask myself, "What in the world is he talking about?"  Be Myself?  How could I be Myself?  Did he not know I had no idea who Myself was, because they would not let me show my true thoughts and share my true feelings about so many bloody things?!?

Today I was thinking about how many times I had to put on a happy face for the sake of those in my Afamily.  How many times did I have to tell them certain things were fine and certain things did not bother me, when inside I was dying and wanted to scream?  How many times did I try to open my mouth and only be told, "Don't be stupid"?  How many times was I told to smile and look happy?

Smile for the camera.

Smile and say thank-you.

Smile and apologize.

Smile and say you didn't mean it.

Smile and don't let anyone know you were crying.

Smile damn it, SMILE!

I had to look glad, look happy, look not like the person I knew I was inside -- an Outsider who just wanted to leave and never return.

Now, after all these years, I think I finally know how it is my Adad wanted me to be when he told me to "Just be yourself".  He wanted me to be like I was when I was a very young girl.  The girl who loved to be around people; the girl who would walk up to strangers and tell them about the new shoes I was wearing.  The little girl who used to laugh at stupid things and use silly voices and sing every chance she could sing.  The little girl who couldn't wait to leave the house and do something with daddy.  He didn't know as I got older, I could only be that way with complete strangers.... strangers who knew nothing about me, my life, or my a.family.

He did not like seeing me as the thing I had become -- a hard shell of a human being.

How I wish I could be my Old Self.

How I wish so many damn things.