exposing the dark side of adoption
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Embracing the inner-loser I call "Me"

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For decades I have been trying to "find myself", and as I am just weeks before the 40th anniversary of my entrance into this world,  I think I am finally able to comfortably assign a word that best describes and defines all that has become of me.  My roles and names have been many.   I have been daughter, I have been student, I have been nurse, employee, wife and mother.  I have been annoying little sister and anti-social neighbor.  I have been drunk I have been whore, I have been the cause and reason behind a suddenly shut door.  I have been called psycho and bitch, and just as frequently I have been called best friend and free therapist.  The titles given to me have been plenty, and yet oddly enough, I have lived a life that leaves me feeling as if I'm entitled to so little.  [I can't help but think:  Abundance brings poverty, especially if we are cursed by our blessings.] 

I believe the contradictions in my own life-experience began soon after my mother had me named and baptised, only to be sent away with a complete stranger.  In all honesty, when safety and security gets lost, and it gets replaced with something that hurts and damages... how can a person not feel like a loser?

I have often wondered had my Aparents kept my given name, would I be the same as I am right now?  Had I been adopted by people who did not hurt me, would my essence still be the same?  In any case, I have two names that have been chosen for me by parents who at one time loved me.  Wanda or Kerry... where is my identify if I feel no connection to the words describing me?  It's taken me years of soul-searching to realize neither name reflects the one element of consistency that has defined my life: loss.  I have lost many things that cannot be regained... so when I think about who and what I am, I actually find comfort knowing I am a self-defined loser, with much to offer those who dare to stay.

I like knowing I'm going to begin the next decade of my life understanding who and what my personal origins are.  I am a giver who expects loss as part of the exchange.  In fact, because I am embracing the inner-loser in me, I am beginning to see how compassion, sensitivity, acceptance and humility have kept me strong.  After all, when gains turn to losses, and losses turn to gains, I have always known deep in my heart, mind and soul, "this too can change".

by Kerry on Wednesday, 17 September 2008