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Mourning the Loss

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I've been thinking a lot lately about "Acceptance", and how it relates to the adoptee who gets abused or neglected by the new adoptive family.  It's a big one to swallow, and it's taken me a really long time to process it.

The question that kept repeating in my mind during my quest for answers was:  "Where does it all begin?"

Does the delving begin with the adoptee's birth-story?  Should it begin before that, and include an investigation of the lives of both natural parents and their families, and the life-stories of the adoptive parent's, as well?  How much information is really needed to close open wounds from the past?

I spent many years researching this.  I dedicated many many hours on this topic.  I spoke and wrote to lots and lots of people, asking them to share their thoughts and experiences about childhood abuse, adoption, and what makes a happy home.  I applied everything I knew into this issue. 

I decided the best place to start the process of acceptance is simply with the adoptee sharing stories and perceptions of what happened at home.  After all, the baseline of all feelings comes from personal experience, and how each life-event got interpreted in the mind of a child.  This is especially important since no two people experience the same situation or circumstance the same way.

So the process of recovery begins.  For the abused adoptee, loss of protection, love and safety are issues that need tender care.  A child cannot understand or appreciate an adult's life experience and demand to be many roles to many people.  Instead, language is limited and concepts are simple, therefore memories and feelings from the past may easily be seen in terms of "all or none".

According to Kubler-Ross, author of On Death and Dying, the grief-process (of each loss) includes the following steps: 

Denial - The refusal to admit or accept anything bad or damaging took place to a person.  As long as the individual remains in a state of denial about the facts of his/her life, no work towards the healing process can begin.

Anger - The feeling of frustration over a loss that focuses on the need for revenge.  The believed source of pain and grief must be punished, so fairness can be restored.   Familiar expressions are "An eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth" or "Pay-back is a bitch."

Bargaining - A process of negotiating future consequences through cause and effect.  Alternatives and options to anger are now considered. "If I do (this), maybe (that) will happen".

Depression - The feeling that all hope is lost, and nothing can be done to improve the current situation.

Acceptance - A process of release and relief that revolves around an admission that pain and hurt cannot rule actions and reactions anymore.  This is when true personal growth and  forgiveness takes place in the heart, so a new (alternate) beginning from old experiences can take place. 

It must be mentioned, because child abuse and adoption each have known emotional consequences, a person can be in various stages of grief over several issues all at one time.  Confusion and frustration can easily result because so much mental processing is happening at once.  I believe keeping a journal of some sort can help identify and clarify this confusion. 

When I am ready, I will share pieces of me, and the things I had to grieve, so others can maybe understand how an abused adoptees sees and proccesses key events during childhood.

by Kerry on Friday, 29 February 2008