Loss blog entries

Happy mother's day

It's it wrong to be hurt years later. Am I just being extra. I need closure. I found the paper on her death but still no pictures or a grave. It's like she just disappeared with no evidence. Happy mother's day to you all. Hold on tight and don't let go

She's leaving... Again

My oldest is leaving for her second year of college this Sunday.

I have been bracing for this week, since May.

Thankfully, last year's experience was a very positive one.  My daughter made frequent home-visits, and made Dean's List each semester.  She made the loss and absence easier, because she not only came back, she came back as a better individual.

But the departure... the going-away... it has never been easy for me.

When dysfunctional APs affect the next generation

Today I received a phone call from my oldest who is away at college. She was very upset and in need of some extra support and empathy. The trigger? She received an e-card from my Amother... a Valentine wish, telling her how loved she is by her only known (and living) grandparents. How could this be an issue?

Mother's Day: What are we celebating?

Last year, I wrote Adapting to Mother's Day, After Adoption,  a piece that introduces readers to the heartbreak some must endure when one person's loss becomes some other person's gain, thanks to illegal unethical adoption practices - found throughout Adoptionland.  I reached the conclusion that children kidnapped and forced into an adoption plan should not be expected to celebrate Mother's Day.  Given all that can transpire between and through the hands of corrupt doctors, lawyers, judges, and a

Better, without

The man who impregnated the woman who birthed me, aka my bio-father, was better without me.

My birth-mother, aka, first mom, was better without me.

My Aparents, aka my saviors, were better without me and the reminders I could bring, once I confessed  my childhood (adoptive family) experiences, (the rapes, the molestations, the beatings).


My life... it has been an unwanted burden.  A burden others could do without.... all burdens put upon me.

<deep, deep, deeper cleansing breath>

Embracing the inner-loser I call "Me"

For decades I have been trying to "find myself", and as I am just weeks before the 40th anniversary of my entrance into this world,  I think I am finally able to comfortably assign a word that best describes and defines all that has become of me.  My roles and names have been many.   I have been daughter, I have been student, I have been nurse, employee, wife and mother.  I have been annoying little sister and anti-social neighbor.  I have been drunk I have been whore, I have been the cause and reason behind a suddenly shut door.  

Sahayla - Forever the Princess

The sun went in

the clouds came out


I heard the silence shout

I lay on the beech

I closed my eyes

the whistling wind

carried my cries

Along the shore

footprints in sand

I drift back in time

A Mom, and Her Donna

Donna was the youngest patient I recall being on 6 West.  The Respiratory and Renal unit no longer exists.  Funny how things disappear once I leave...  Six-West was a nightmare of a floor.  I called it The Roach Motel… people checked-in but they didn’t check-out without everything being tagged and put into bags, first.  The official nursing specialty of the 36-bed unit was chronic respiratory and renal disorders.  Lungs and kidneys.  Breathing and urinating.  Most patients were dialysis dependent, and very sick.  We had four ventilat

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