Grief blog entries

She's leaving... Again

My oldest is leaving for her second year of college this Sunday.

I have been bracing for this week, since May.

Thankfully, last year's experience was a very positive one.  My daughter made frequent home-visits, and made Dean's List each semester.  She made the loss and absence easier, because she not only came back, she came back as a better individual.

But the departure... the going-away... it has never been easy for me.

When dysfunctional APs affect the next generation

Today I received a phone call from my oldest who is away at college. She was very upset and in need of some extra support and empathy. The trigger? She received an e-card from my Amother... a Valentine wish, telling her how loved she is by her only known (and living) grandparents. How could this be an issue?

Mother's Day: What are we celebating?

Last year, I wrote Adapting to Mother's Day, After Adoption,  a piece that introduces readers to the heartbreak some must endure when one person's loss becomes some other person's gain, thanks to illegal unethical adoption practices - found throughout Adoptionland.  I reached the conclusion that children kidnapped and forced into an adoption plan should not be expected to celebrate Mother's Day.  Given all that can transpire between and through the hands of corrupt doctors, lawyers, judges, and a

Withdrawal in a relationship

For those of us who feel as though we're addicted to (or can't control) bad patterns and behaviors in our lives, the term 'withdrawal' carries a dread that goes well beyond the physical discomforts that go with ending an addiction.

Adoption, Abuse, and Comments From the Peanut Gallery

I admit it, every time I see an article that includes with the word "adoption", I take a look.  

Today's find-worth-a-response was titled, "‘Real Housewife’ on adoption, insecurity".  I don't know who the actress/author is; I don't know the show in which she stars; I simply know her adoption-story, and I understand many of her noted adoption issues because the origins are similar to my own. 

Better, without

The man who impregnated the woman who birthed me, aka my bio-father, was better without me.

My birth-mother, aka, first mom, was better without me.

My Aparents, aka my saviors, were better without me and the reminders I could bring, once I confessed  my childhood (adoptive family) experiences, (the rapes, the molestations, the beatings).


My life... it has been an unwanted burden.  A burden others could do without.... all burdens put upon me.

<deep, deep, deeper cleansing breath>

Mourning the Mommy that could never be

One of the saddest realities I have learned through my own experience is life without a Mommy.

I cringe when people assume adoption will provide that missing maternal-link for a child, because the truth is, no such guarantee can be made.  Mistakes in placement happen, and I believe the end-result can be catastrophic.

I don't understand the woman incapable of loving her own child... and I don't understand the people who prevent the natural mother from giving her love a try.  There's something seriously WRONG with the words, "You're not good enough to be given a chance".

I don't know what my life could or would have been like had my mom kept me.  It was never tested or tried.  All I know is I was given to a family filled with angry people, driven by so many bitter stories, unresolved personal issues  and a need for retribution, if not revenge.

Why did it have to be that way?

Why didn't anyone make sure the baby-girl placed would be safe?

For the life of me, I will never understand the motivations behind money, when so much life and love can so easily get lost.

real people, real grief

Video clips like these should be mandatory viewing for prospective infant adopters.
Good Bye

Real Women

A Mom, and Her Donna

Donna was the youngest patient I recall being on 6 West.  The Respiratory and Renal unit no longer exists.  Funny how things disappear once I leave...  Six-West was a nightmare of a floor.  I called it The Roach Motel… people checked-in but they didn’t check-out without everything being tagged and put into bags, first.  The official nursing specialty of the 36-bed unit was chronic respiratory and renal disorders.  Lungs and kidneys.  Breathing and urinating.  Most patients were dialysis dependent, and very sick.  We had four ventilat

Stages of Anger

Stages of grieving are DABDA:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  (Kubler-Ross)  I learned this in Nursing School, and used it A LOT when I worked with cancer patients on an oncology floor.  [I lasted a year...].

Anger, Peace, and Restful Sleep

Before I worked on 6W full-time the fall of 1991, I spent the summer working on an oncology unit.  For some reason, I felt the need to work among those walking towards death.  There was a sense of romantic intensity to it all… something I cannot explain other than it felt like it was where I belonged.  The day I met Mr. Kessler, I knew I was right where I should be.

Pound Pup Legacy