Pound Pup Legacy

Suddenly single? Ask Dr. Gilda

By Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D. Hi, Dr. Gilda,
I began a relationship with a fantastic guy after my divorce 14 months ago. He lived about 100 miles away, and we spent the first four months of our relationship dating long-distance. I moved to his town to be with him, found a new and better job, and am adjusting to a more rural lifestyle. The problem is that he’s an alcoholic. It was easy for him to hide this from me when we lived in separate places, but now that we’re living together, the relationship is on the rocks (no pun intended) because of his constant drinking. We’re in counseling, and he admits he has a problem, but he has no intention of quitting, just “cutting back.” We’ve been through a lot together, and I really want this to work. He’s my perfect guy when he’s not drinking, but I don’t know how long I can keep dealing with this. Please help!
– What Did I Buy Into?

Dear What Did I Buy Into?,
You describe your “fantastic guy” as your “perfect guy when he’s not drinking!” But he is constantly drinking. So he can’t be that “fantastic” after all, nor is he “perfect”—at least for you. Ask yourself some questions now:

• Am I more committed to this man because I moved 100 miles and rearranged my life for him? If this were the case, your commitment would be an understandable rationalization; it is tough to admit you were duped by your own shortsightedness.
• Am I willing to accept this man “as is” with his drinking problem? It’s hard to love someone who is more emotionally present for his booze than he is for you.

You say, “I don’t know how long I can keep dealing with this.” Again, notice that he’s not so “fantastic” and he’s certainly not “perfect.” Who are you more upset with now—him for drinking and concealing it, or yourself for not seeing the relationship clearly before you changed your life for love?

The rate of relapse for alcoholism is high. But added to this problem is the fact that your guy doesn’t think he needs to quit. Girl, you have just seen a glimpse of your life as it is today—and how it will continue into the future. Relationships naturally become more complex as two people become closer. They amass family, friends, and possessions, all of which bolster their bond, but also require maintenance. If you’re upset now, and there’s no remedy in sight, the tension you feel currently will turn to anger and depression as time goes on. This situation is an impossible foundation on which to build love.

This man doesn’t believe his problem is grave enough for him to go cold turkey or otherwise work toward quitting—this is a huge red flag. He also won’t want to hear your nagging him about it. You already went the therapy route. So what is left to do? I’d say it is probably worth the 100-mile trip for you to return home. Don’t get caught up in delivering ultimatums; it is already clear where things stand. You’ve tried to support him in quitting, and there’s been little change.

However, don’t consider the end of this relationship a personal failure. As my Gilda-Gram says, “When something happens TO you, it really happens FOR you.” Discover what you learned from this experience. One thing you will have gained is a desire to look deeper into your next relationship before you commit your heart. Next time, instead of entering love with stars in your eyes, tread more tentatively at first—and that will serve you better in the long run.

Relationship expert Dr. Gilda (www.DrGilda.com) has a private practice, is a motivational speaker and associate professor of business, psychology, and communications at New York’s Mercy College. She is also the founder of the video blog, GildaVision, on her web site. Her best-selling books include Don’t Bet on the Prince! How to Have the Man You Want by Betting On Yourself and He’s Not All That! How to Attract the Good Guys.