Blog Post Roundup
I started a blog about my experience with adoptee abuse and promised to keep you in touch. Here's highlights from the first six months.
I hurt all the time, with a heartache that oscillates but never leaves. There's no point in not talking about the pain now as it's not going to go away anytime soon, so I might as well blog about it.
PTSD has a way of robbing you of joy.
I've talked about my childhood periodically in my other blogs.
People compliment me on my calmness is talking about these issues. I'm not calm, I'm numb.
...that lying piece of legal shit that said I was the actual daughter of my abusers -- I have never, ever hated anything in my life as much as I hated that piece of paper.
My Adoption Story, Part 1
...a socially acceptable sham marriage needed real offspring, and that's where I came in.
Wrestling With Searching
I was convinced that (searching) would be unethical, immoral, selfish, and self-destructive. I believed it was the most awful and irresponsible thing I could possibly do.
My Adoption Story, Part 2: Cindy
Any forensic examination of the process my adoptive parents went through when they decided to adopt has to ask, "What the Hell was up with Cindy?"
Purchased: Bought, Sold, and Treated Like Toxic Waste
My adopted mother no doubt felt like she didn't get her money's worth. She wanted a Prom Queen, not a nerd. Shouldn't there have been a discount?
"Aren't You Grateful You Were Put Up For Adoption Instead of Aborted?"
Isn't that like asking, "Aren't you grateful your husband only hit you once instead of beating you to death?"
I don't know what she personally thought of her body (How many 18 year-old girls are satisfied with their appearance?) but to Society in 1965 and to heterosexual teenage boys in any time she would have looked beautiful.
...right now it feels like there's an ocean of grief that I have to drain through my tear ducts.
There Are No Good Adoptions
An adoption may or may not be a rescue, but every adoption is a tragedy.
It seemed to me that I was sitting Shiva, but I couldn't say for whom or what.
It is deeply ironic that a population which was watching The Manchurian Candidate and arguing over whether (brainwashing) could really by done to "our boys" in foreign countries were perfectly willing -- even grateful -- to have them done to "our girls" at home.
Most people feel good as a result of doing good, setting up a nice positive feedback loop. PTSD steals that from me. I do good, I feel good, and PTSD opens the floodgates for yet another crashing wave of despair.
...it wasn't that I stood out from the norm, there was no norm, period. Underneath my adoptive parents' overwhelming concern for social acceptance which led to both their marriage and our adoptions, anomie and disconnection were the norm.
Her suggestion was met with universal derision. How could a very smart child be such a failure? But upon reflection it was decided that I might be retarded (the term was still used clinically at that time), and that I should be given an IQ test to see if I qualified for Special Education.The Frankenfamily Part 2: The Terror of the 98th Percentile
Modern adoption practice is based on the premise that you can fit square pegs in round holes if you start forcing them when they're tiny and soft. How is that not child abuse?