Delays in Progress
I can understand why people misinterpret my ambiguious personality as being simply "mixed-up", irrational and proof that I do not know WHAT I want in and out of Life.
I require - yes, demand - a rigid rule of "Say what you mean, and mean what you say" when relating to me. I am forever in search of the person who CAN do just that. Perhaps I will die a Lady in Waiting since the single most important need I have is related to my wanting to trust a person's Word. [Gee, there's a shock, eh?]
I live in this delusional world where I, myself, follow my own policy, as my Example to others. But I know I don't really operate that way! I forget the plain truth about my inability to stick to a decision or mind-set. I become so frustrated & hurt when someone violates my Code, because in MY mind, it's a complete dismissal and rejection of something that's critical to my well-being. I SAY I am understanding , empathetic and supportive, but in truth, that is only when it fits MY ability to cope.
If I'm feeling relatively good, because I'm being true to Myself, I can take on the world. I can allow myself the permission to create grand visions and make master plans for which I can realistically follow through and have reason to expect nothing but great success. [I make short-term AND long-term plans...not irrational, unrealistic ones, because that would be futile and downright retarded.]
At the time of such Plan-Making, I truly, deeply, and completely believe not only in myself, but have the confidence in my ability to MAKE my Dream Happen. I'm In The Moment, saying what I mean, and I really mean what I'm saying. Right NOW, at that very moment. When I feel like I have Hope fighting within me, I can be True to my own words. Then I have a set-back. A critical remark; an unresponsive friend; a broken promise I was relying on... and all bets are off.
The momentum that was growing, building and was believable suddenly stops and crashes. I am rendered immobile and inert. Physically, mentally & worst of all, spiritually. The immense, grave, disappointment in myself catapults me into a fit of Abyss-Filled self-loathing and disgust. I not only experience stagnation, but I get swept back to a place where I THOUGHT I had already conquered. One step forward 5 steps back. Completely devastating. A crushing blow. Please, not again...
I can't keep getting up...
it HURTS too much. Let me be... just let me bleed here with dignity, will you?
I lose all credibility and respect.
Proving I am a hypocrite, expecting from others what I, myself, cannot do. The extremes of my thinking is so difficult and draining, but I cannot, for the life of me, do anything in moderation. I HAVE to be polar. (as opposed to being diagnosed bi-polar, which my therapist questions).
If the moron actually LISTENED to me, he'd realize I am never manic. I react to what influences me. If I am regarded in positive, encouraging ways, IF I AM NURTURED AND NOT IGNORED, I am empowered and am able to trust in my instincts, without guilt. If I am criticized, blamed or made to feel defensive, I revert to the belief I don't deserve happiness, because I'm not Good Enough. I allow external forces drive me.
I KNOW that...
THAT is not a chemical imbalance, it's a reactive conditioning. I intellectually understand and appreciate this dynamic. BUT... and it IS a H-U-G-E "BUT"....(weight jokes aside, thank-you...) What I Know, and what I Feel are two separate entities. I have been raised with Black or White consequences. His way or No way. With us, or Against us. Either this, OR that. Yes or No. NEVER maybe. Maybe implies a chance... an opportunity to prove others Wrong. That cannot happen, because They are ALWAYS RIGHT!
I am not the mad, crazy one... THEY are...my captors, my rulers, my loved ones who love me more than anyone will, but have all left me. I am Good (and "encouraged") when I Agree. I am Bad (and need a reminding punishment) when I voice an option that just might make more sense, because it's based on compromise.
I am a rational person, with a good sense of logic. I simply can not apply that logic to my own life. How can I be so contrary???? Why doesn't it get better...easier...? Why, with each step of strength I feel, I also buckle and injure myself. Is Success really THAT much of a Threat?? How can the heart be so willing, the mind so agreeable, and the spirit so desperate for Change, but my body shuts down all power. I go on Mute. The roller-coaster ride makes me so sick. I want to change... I NEED to change... but something blocks me.
WHAT is that roadblock?!?