Delays in Progress

I can understand why people misinterpret my ambiguious personality as being simply "mixed-up", irrational and proof that I do not know WHAT I want in and out of Life.

I require - yes, demand - a rigid rule of "Say what you mean, and mean what you say" when relating to me. I am forever in search of the person who CAN do just that. Perhaps I will die a Lady in Waiting since the single most important need I have is related to my wanting to trust a person's Word. [Gee, there's a shock, eh?]

I live in this delusional world where I, myself, follow my own policy, as my Example to others. But I know I don't really operate that way! I forget the plain truth about my inability to stick to a decision or mind-set. I become so frustrated & hurt when someone violates my Code, because in MY mind, it's a complete dismissal and rejection of something that's critical to my well-being. I SAY I am understanding , empathetic and supportive, but in truth, that is only when it fits MY ability to cope.

If I'm feeling relatively good, because I'm being true to Myself, I can take on the world. I can allow myself the permission to create grand visions and make master plans for which I can realistically follow through and have reason to expect nothing but great success. [I make short-term AND long-term plans...not irrational, unrealistic ones, because that would be futile and downright retarded.]

At the time of such Plan-Making, I truly, deeply, and completely believe not only in myself, but have the confidence in my ability to MAKE my Dream Happen. I'm In The Moment, saying what I mean, and I really mean what I'm saying. Right NOW, at that very moment. When I feel like I have Hope fighting within me, I can be True to my own words. Then I have a set-back. A critical remark; an unresponsive friend; a broken promise I was relying on... and all bets are off.

The momentum that was growing, building and was believable suddenly stops and crashes. I am rendered immobile and inert. Physically, mentally & worst of all, spiritually. The immense, grave, disappointment in myself catapults me into a fit of Abyss-Filled self-loathing and disgust. I not only experience stagnation, but I get swept back to a place where I THOUGHT I had already conquered. One step forward 5 steps back. Completely devastating. A crushing blow. Please, not again...

I can't keep getting up...

it HURTS too much. Let me be... just let me bleed here with dignity, will you?

I lose all credibility and respect.

Proving I am a hypocrite, expecting from others what I, myself, cannot do. The extremes of my thinking is so difficult and draining, but I cannot, for the life of me, do anything in moderation. I HAVE to be polar. (as opposed to being diagnosed bi-polar, which my therapist questions).

If the moron actually LISTENED to me, he'd realize I am never manic. I react to what influences me. If I am regarded in positive, encouraging ways, IF I AM NURTURED AND NOT IGNORED, I am empowered and am able to trust in my instincts, without guilt. If I am criticized, blamed or made to feel defensive, I revert to the belief I don't deserve happiness, because I'm not Good Enough. I allow external forces drive me.

I KNOW that...

THAT is not a chemical imbalance, it's a reactive conditioning. I intellectually understand and appreciate this dynamic. BUT... and it IS a H-U-G-E "BUT"....(weight jokes aside, thank-you...) What I Know, and what I Feel are two separate entities. I have been raised with Black or White consequences. His way or No way. With us, or Against us. Either this, OR that. Yes or No. NEVER maybe. Maybe implies a chance... an opportunity to prove others Wrong. That cannot happen, because They are ALWAYS RIGHT!

I am not the mad, crazy one... THEY are...my captors, my rulers, my loved ones who love me more than anyone will, but have all left me. I am Good (and "encouraged") when I Agree. I am Bad (and need a reminding punishment) when I voice an option that just might make more sense, because it's based on compromise.

I am a rational person, with a good sense of logic. I simply can not apply that logic to my own life. How can I be so contrary???? Why doesn't it get better...easier...? Why, with each step of strength I feel, I also buckle and injure myself. Is Success really THAT much of a Threat?? How can the heart be so willing, the mind so agreeable, and the spirit so desperate for Change, but my body shuts down all power. I go on Mute. The roller-coaster ride makes me so sick. I want to change... I NEED to change... but something blocks me.

WHAT is that roadblock?!?

TRUST

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Exactly!

I experience the exact same thing. In fact, I had to look again to see if I had written this! Our moods are completely affected by outside influences. This is the area of the brain not developed biochemically because of our separation from our biological mothers. This is where Spirituality is supposed to take over. I'm still working on that, myself. We are unlikely to ever be able to trust, but when we get discouraged or depressed, let "the outside influence" be our belief in a "Greater Being", that we are just living are "charted course", what we overcome makes us stronger, or just try positive self-talk. We can't change how others treat us, but we can control how we want to react to it.
I've been using these techniques as I've been learning lately, and it has been helping. I still have a long way to go.

Hope this helps! Much Love to you Kerry for all you've done. Jaquie

Faith, Hope... and reality

Affirmations, or the belief in something much bigger than our own selves is critical to our sense of wellness, sure. However, let me be the devil's advocate for a minute... One does not have to be Adopted to suffer the after-math of Abandonment. I have come to realize and accept (hardy har, har...)one simple pattern of truth, as it has always existed in My Life: Trust no one, Kerry (or Wanda, whatever your bloody name really is...) because you will always be Abandoned. Now... Spiritually, I'm as Grounded as a good groundling can be. My personal relationship with God is very much intact... it HAS to be... the only 'parent' I could ever try to allow myself to trust has been my Heavenly Father. However, that by no way means to imply I have my crap pulled together! Hell no! More often than not, I feel more Tested than anything else. I think THAT'S where Purpose, Reason and Spirituality come into the human experience... those qualifiers help define a person's code of ethics. I think how we live our lives demonstrates our values, morals and human-concerns towards Others, and those behaviors manifest themselves in a way that ultimately make their mark in Life, as we see and know it to be, right now. But isn't Life much more than the past and present? Life is about having a Future, right? After all, don't some people breed to have children, just so a Legacy may be left-behind? My oldest is 12; my youngest are 5... only within this past year did I realize MY Behavior towards them is what really matters . No matter what I say, it's what I do that counts in their eyes. "Say what you mean, and mean what you say". THAT scares the bejeebers out of me, because I am FOREVER accountable and responsible for actions I'm not even remotely aware of having or doing! "huh?!?" For me, personally... Parenting is a job I would far rather not have to do. Being a Mom is far too painful for me. Being a Mom is the minute by minute reminder of remembering I must Give what I was never given, or able to experience... all because my mommy abandoned me to A Shrew. coming full-circle now... It makes no difference WHAT the circumstances were for the parent...(children are self-centered little beasts... they have to be, because they are helpless, hopeless, hapless little creatures without a Mommy) death, divorce, drug addictions... from the eyes of the Child, Abandonment is Abandonment. I fear personal death more than life itself now, at the ripe old used and abused age of 38, because my greatest fear in this world is Abandoning my babies. Period. "What God has put together, let no man put asunder". Anyone married in a Bible-Belted society recognizes that phrase as being the kiss of marital bliss (or death... depending on the partnering choice...). For me, I never understood or appreciated those words until I became a mom and learned, I cannot divorce myself from my reality.

Pound Pup Legacy