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Emotional Affairs

Kerry's picture
Fri, 2007-08-03 14:39 - Kerry
What is an "emotional affair"?  In most simplistic terms, it's a relationship based in secrecy. It starts in the mind, and it escalates.  It's described very well in the article, "The Affair You Don't Know You're Having" by Heather Johnson Durocher

An emotional affair also offers the thrill of the forbidden without crossing any physical lines. "You know it's wrong, that it's taboo," says Stosny. "That's what makes it provocative and rousing." When Rebecca Smith,* a 39-year-old mother of two from Annapolis, MD, began regularly e-mailing with her friend Lyle, her youngest child had just started kindergarten and her husband was working longer hours. Exchanging e-mails with Lyle was a welcome diversion, not only because it filled her downtime but because their often silly, sometimes sexually charged notes were a far cry from her conversations with her husband. "My husband can be kind of negative, and Lyle has a more optimistic outlook on life. We often had these sparring conversations. It was intellectually stimulating for me," she says. "And the more we e-mailed, the more I found myself magnetized to him and fantasizing about what my life would be like if we were together."

I believe many adult adoptees are emotionally needy people, afraid to confess their need to be needed by another person.  We are told and taught to conform to traditional family roles, but our first family placement is all but naturally-designed.  I believe too often, we allow the power of promised love to rule and dictate our emotions and as such, the reality of our romantic relationship's futures usually suffers as a result.

For those who struggle with emotional triggers, I found this website: Relationship Institute

If anyone finds more like this, please add them, so others can get the support and help they need in terms of  making and keeping strong healthy loving relationships that last a lifetime.

Comments

Fri, 2007-08-03 22:23 — Kerry

Effective Communication

I call it Quiet Time.  It's when I sit and gather my thoughts about everyone, everything, and I reflect:  "what does it all mean this time around?"  I do it often.  In fact, for me, it's a daily requirement.  Everyone who knows me well, knows, I need to be alone and mentally digest things, so I can use words and events effectively in my every-day experiences.
 
Someone wrote to me today describing his role in relationships as being driftwood.  I thought that was a brilliant description for that transitional-dating phase people go through.  We all want to find love, and stability and it has to be focused with a future in mind, otherwise, what's the point in investing our emotions in a relationship?
 
I believe as adoptees, we get bamboozled into thinking we need to make closure with our birthparents before we leave the nest and meet our own mates for life.  For some, that may very well be true.  If so, there are programs designed for that specific relationship-dynamic.  Joe Soll, an adoptee, has a program called Healing Weekends.  This weekend program focuses specifically on the adoptee and birth-mother.  I believe his approach is simple:  he sees each mother-child, as a couple, and works with them so better effective communication can begin to grow so an understanding from both sides can be established.  For those interested in going-back and doing the Search and Reunion route, this may be a good option to consider as a future reference.

 

For myself, I see my natural-parents as The Mother Land, my adoptive parents as the dock, boyfriends/lovers as driftwood, and my children as solid pieces of rock that are with me, no matter where I go or what I do.  Everything else, is water, waves, and wild-life.