Picture it: White life for the orphans
Submitted by Kerry on Mon, 2011-06-20 14:21.
SAH house-hags like me who watch HGTV know there is a new show that features a new special Disney promotion. Chosen families are given a yard-re-do, all in over-the-top Disney fashion.
Last week, the lucky chosen family happened to have 6 saved orphans from Ethiopia. The adopting couple is/was as white and Christian as can be. Typical TV promotion if ever I saw one. [See: Backyard Safari ]
My question is, if adopters are going to try to maintain a foreign child's culture, how is the uber white American going to celebrate holidays, like Christmas, if the born-again orphans come from a places like Ethiopia? Will the males of the family ride on horseback and throw ceremonial lances at each other, like they do in yeferas guks? To show heritage pride, are parents of Guatemalan children supposed to build Mayan warfare? When teaching spirtuality and religion, are parents of Korean children supposed to follow Confucianism?
Just how far do American adopters have to go to prove they are not white and not racist, after they adopt children from a different race and culture? What traditions can stay, and what traditions need to go when adopting the foreign-born child?
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White Life
Kerry,
Black children need black adults around. It's as easy as that. No white parent alone will ever be a sufficient role model for them. And this is not in any way ment to be an offensive statement. It is sufficient to keep your eyes open and watch the interactions between black children and white parents, and black children and black adult friends.
So if these families you have been mentioning are not involved in every day activities of an Ethiopian community, or any other African American community, they might just as well forget about remembering to celebrate certain holidays, because they won't be able to teach their children what they are all about.
The same thing is true for heritage camps. That is a contradiction in terms anyway. Either it is heritage, which is alive, or you're in a camp, and that is usually a holiday thing.
Jared
Role models
I TOTALLY agree, 100%. Black children need to see healthy happy productive black adults... who may or may not follow the white model of success. I have read many articles that feature culture/heritage awareness programs for the adopted child, and what strikes me is how Americanized the "ethnic rep" is presented. The message being sent seems to be in order to be "successful" in America, you must be a business-professional. I for one am not convinced being a successful business person is better than being a good loving affectionate SAH (stay-at-home) parent. There are all different ways to measure a person's success... and much of that has to do with intangibles, like self-satisfaction, pride, and happiness.
There is another issue about all-________ communities.
Many of these ultra-white Christian adopters not only do not mix with adults from other races, they do not mix with those outside their religion. This often translates into isolating situations where the adopted children are home-schooled by individuals who stay within social networks that often encourage the use "the rod" (or plumbing material, or what have-you) to punish and discipline.
As a result, you have non-white children being abused by white people who are telling the child their efforts and attempts to assimilate are wrong or not good enough. Meanwhile, neighbors will see these same parents decorate their home with exotic-themed artifacts. It's a mixed message... one that hurts the adoptee and puts the behind-closed-doors child beater on a public pedestal. Call me kooky, but I don't see that as being good role-model behavior.
You can't keep culture alive....
I agree with Jared. You cannot be another culture, unless you live in the sending country and are of that culture. Any attempt is just fake. It is a reality that many children adopted ICA will grow up in predominantly white upper class neighborhoods far removed from anyone looking like themselves. Unfortunately going to heritage camps and hanging out with kids that "look like you" may appeal to APs but the children are not the culture that they came from. I hope this makes sense.
For the sake of the APs... and adoptees
I was the kind of kid who would say and agree with things simply because doing so would please my APs. I think lots of kids do this, especially if the kid is adopted. Pleasing others is what many of us feel like we need to do... if we do not please, we fear (on some level) we will be sent away and/or get punished. [Real realities, if you look at the history of child placement.]
There's an irony to this: we adoptees often do just as our APs do... do things because they "look good"... because looking good earns a measure of praise.
In older PPL posts some APs have mentioned that all-adoptee group activities are good for the kids. I agree in the concept, as I believe adoptees ARE different than non-adopted children. This implies adoption itself has it's own heritage and culture... one that is not fully recognized. I think it's not fully recognized as it should be because many truths behind adoption programs show a very dark and corrupt side to many well-respected religious groups, politicians, and individuals.
You certainly can't be
You certainly can't be another culture and if that is the aim, APs are going to fall far short. I didn't involve our family in camps (a whole family activity here rather than sending the kid away) or take part in other activities with the idea that it could replicate the experience of being raised by parents who shared their cultural background. Rather, it was an opportunity for our children and our family to learn a little more about their heritage alongside other kids like them, led by adult mentors who were intercountry adoptees or members of the child's birth community.
These camps supplemented weekly language classes, cultural group get-togethers and natural friendships that we developed with people from our children's birth countries. We didn't aim for cultural competence but, rather, hoped that our kids would learn enough to feel pride in their heritage and would be sufficiently confident to travel on their own and reach out to others when they became adults, if they chose to do so. I hoped that they would see that we valued their heritage and that they would also come to share that view.
We travelled overseas to meet each of our children on their turf and returned to travel through their birth countries when the children were older. My Korean son then travelled to Korea on his own on a sponsored trip, in the company of an adult adoptee, when he was 13 years old. He returned to Korea again at age 18 and again when he was 20. I hope that the years of language classes, friendships with Korean families and culture camps did help him feel confident enough to travel on his own. I certainly don't think it hurt.
We also raised our kids with regular involvement in our adoption support group, so they grew up knowing many other intercountry adoptees. Some of our overseas trips were in the company of other adoptees and their families, and some were on our own. I see adoptees sharing a connection that is vital and I feel that knowing many other adoptees did make a positive difference as my kids grew up, and some of those friendships have continued for many years. Adoption and culture camps can't replace the experience of growing up in a family who shared their cultural heritage, but it was still positive and fun.
Question(s):
What adoption agency did you use, and how did you learn about these programs?
[To be fair, readers need to understand you, the AP, are NOT in America....]
Adoption agency?
We don't have intercountry adoption agencies, as such, in Australia. Our ICA applications are processed by our state central authority: a government department that carries responsibility for all care and protection matters including foster care, domestic and international adoption.
We adopted through the overseas agencies that had bilateral agreements with the Australian government. In Korea, we could only adopt through Eastern Social Welfare Society. In Taiwan, we adopted through one of the two approved programs: Cathwel Service. In India, we adopted through Shri Shradhanand Anathalaya in Nagpur and MASOS in Chennai.
The culture camps had no connection to the adoption agencies. We attended an annual camp for adoptive families (a chance for adoptees to spend time together but not having any particular country focus), as well as an interstate camp for adoptive families (joining my sister's family, as they also have adopted from overseas). We also travelled to a camp in Sydney that was for Korean families. This camp was run by the local Korean community, so had a mix of adoptive families and Korean families.
My son participated in trips to Korea that were offered for adoptees who wanted to learn more about their birth culture. His first trip without us at age 13 was a sponsored trip offered to two adoptees from his Korean language school, which was run by our local Korean community. His trip at age 18 was available to adult adoptees who had been placed by ESWS and his trip at age 19 was a scholarship offered by a university in Busan to overseas Koreans (adopted or not) to learn more about their country and language.
I heard about these opportunities through our adoption network, as I've always been an active participant. We were also involved in a variety of cultural groups that let us know about other opportunities. For example, my youngest daughter did Bharatanatyam classical Indian dance classes for several years which put us in weekly contact with many Tamil families, and this also led to our family participating in Diwali, Holi and other religious celebrations with people who had become our friends.
Oz v. the USA
The more I read, the more I wish the USA followed the Austrailian adoption method.
In fact, I wish there were more adopters like the ones who have become PPL members. The stories you share show a person like me not all adopters are the same.
Julia, when you learned about the circumstances behind your adoption from India, what, if any, response did you get from the Aussie government?
I know that the Australian
I know that the Australian government has raised our case repeatedly with government authorities in India. Sadly, the Indian authorities do not seem motivated to eliminate corruption and they have shown scant interest in pursuing ours, or our government's, requests for an investigation.
Since 2008, I have been a member of an advisory group appointed by the Attorney General to advise government on matters to do with intercountry adoption. The Attorney General's Department is our central authority under the Hague, and child trafficking is a standing item on the agenda of all meetings.
The AGD did listen to our concerns about trafficking in India and the adoption program remains on hold. Of course, now that charges have also being laid against the former chairman of CARA, the central authority in India, it is clear that problems are endemic and I hold out little hope that the Indian adoption system will be reformed. Many children remain institutionalised while corruption continues to flourish within the domestic adoption system, and I don't see the issue of child trafficking in India being dealt with any time soon.
[sad nod]
India's booming surrogacy programs are not helping matters, either. Both ICA and surrogate programs bringing so much tourism and spending, it's hard to see any radical changes taking place any time soon. The profit margins are just too attractive and large.
<depressed sigh>
Your case, however, exemplifies the power of a morally grounded AP. Can you share a little what sort of response you have received from other APs when facing these difficult circumstances? I know from my own experience on and off PPL, many AP's who have tried to discuss trafficking concerns on forums like adoption.con. The public response would be very much like the response I would get when discussion abuse in adoptive homes. The general attitude would be: "That does NOT happen, and if it does, yours is the only case"... in all of Adoptionland. Rather than get support and helpful suggestions, already upset posters would get virtually tarred and feathered for suggesting a particular sending/receiving country was showing signs of corruption and illegal activity. Does this read familiar to you and what you had to face when going public with your findings?
There has been a distinct
There has been a distinct difference between the response I've received at home and that I received online from adoptive families in the USA.
Adoptive families in Australia generally expressed sincere shock and concern at our discovery and situation, along with some worrying about how our disclosure may affect the government's attitude to intercountry adoption - which had previously been considered to be a well controlled and therefore reliable process for Aussies. I didn't have a single adoptive parent challenge our claims, abuse us or respond negatively to us when we went public with our story. A few questioned the wisdom of allowing our children's identity to be known but we made that decision with our children's full involvement and don't regret it. More importantly, neither do they!
Online, it was a very different situation. American adoptive parents did not want to hear about corruption and some even took the attitude that it wasn't really so bad (our children were safe and loved, their Indian mother wanted them to remain in our family ... therefore all was well that ends well!) When we spoke out in forums, email lists I'd been involved in for many years, and when our story was added to others in exposes of adoption corruption, we were criticised and sometimes ridiculed and abused. Quite a few people expressed doubt about our claims or took the position that our children's Indian mother was lying - despite us having initially heard about our children's history from unrelated former neighbours who remembered the children being taken and who had no vested interest in our adoption. There were exceptions to this: the Smolins were a great source of support and organisations such as PEAR provided a sanctuary, but too many American adoptive parents seem to feel you are either "with us" or "against us" in ICA - so I guess I was put into the "against us" pile!
Refusal and Rejection
It still astounds me how so many American AP's REFUSE to accept the idea that there is such a thing as child trafficking FOR ICA. I often think they rally against those who want to bring light onto the subject(s) because shedding light may require radical reform. Keep in mind, there are many very nice people adopting for all the wrong reasons. I would LOVE to see radical adoption reform. Radical adoption reform, if done properly, will not only slow ICAs, but make them more difficult, too.
...but RAR is another topic, altogether....
In addition to the hard-headed stubbornness of many American adopters, others will also deny or reject the suggestion that corrupt activities have, are, or will take place within their own neck of the woods. Some will insist there is no possible way their own adoption agencies/adoption facilitators, orphanages, adoption attorney.... their own ANYTHING... can or could be involved in any type of wrong-doing. [Many (foreign) adoptees and I joke and say closed-minded arrogance coupled with stupidity is a Typical American-ism. ]
It's very sad, annoying, exhausting, disturbing, infuriating.... how some APs can get.... and the crazy thing is, the vast majority of these annoying overly-opinionated ill-informed rejecting AP's are American!
Thankfully, since PPL, I have learned there ARE some really great AP/child advocates out-there.... and in America. I myself have spent many many hours venting in private with these parents. We'd go back and forth asking one another in crazed exasperated frustration, "WHAT is wrong with these people?!? Are they idiots? Are they blind? Are they so egotistical and arrogant they can't for one second wipe the windows of their glass houses clear enough so they can SEE reality for just one minute?" [Note how clean I wrote that, removing all indication of foul words and F-bombs...]
"Not me" or "Not mine"
<grumbling hbvtfcdrctfvbjkn >
Those are huge triggering words, when spoken by an arrogant self-righteous know-it-all AP living in the fog! I can't count how many times I wish I had an eject-button to press when a rabid adoption advocate would say those words to an angry adopter/adoptee trying to serve as a parent/child advocate!