Teaching our children the ways of the world
See also:
- Adoption: It's not what it used to be
- Judge orders probe into Franco-era missing children
- The Magdalene Laundry
- 'Our babies were abducted' on the delivery table: North Vancouver woman
- Dead Baby Scam
- Nigeria 'baby farm' girls rescued by Abia state police
- Despite Progress, Forced-Adoption Practices Persist Throughout the United States
- N.J. birth moms divided on bill that would open up adoption records
In my house, we go through phases during which a particular singer/musical group will get played over and over and over again, until every one of the kids know the lyrics, and get at least 105 stories, from me.
Classics include: The Beatles, Billy Joel, Bruce Springsteen, U2... and musicals, like West Side Story.
Lately, we're doing a revival of Les Miserable. My boys seem to really like it now, (especially the songs, "One Day More", and "Do You Hear The People Sing?"), now that they know it's a story about the French Revolution.
Well, in typical Mommy-Kerry-Fashion, I broke the disappointing news to them. Yep... just as I told them about the role of police and social services in fun songs, like Officer Krupke, I let them know a little more about Les Miz, unwed mother Fantine, and what would happen to the children who had no extended family to look out for them.
<collective groan from the peanut gallery>
Yes, kids... I DO love to tell a not-so-little story about the history of child placement, women's rights (or the lack there of), and public perception.
Enter the lyrics to At the End of the Day....
[THE POOR]
At the end of the day you're another day older
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor
It's a struggle, it's a war
And there's nothing that anyone's giving
One more day standing about, what is it for?
One day less to be living.At the end of the day you're another day colder
And the shirt on your back doesn't keep out the chill
And the righteous hurry past
They don't hear the little ones crying
And the winter is coming on fast, ready to kill
One day nearer to dying!At the end of the day there's another day dawning
And the sun in the morning is waiting to rise
Like the waves crash on the sand
Like a storm that'll break any second
There's a hunger in the land
There's a reckoning still to be reckoned and
There's gonna be hell to pay
At the end of the day![The foreman and workers, including Fantine, emerge from the factory]
[FOREMAN]
At the end of the day you get nothing for nothing
Sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any bread[WORKER ONE]
There are children back at home[WORKERS ONE AND TWO]
And the children have got to be fed[WORKER TWO]
And you're lucky to be in a job[WOMAN]
And in a bed![WORKERS]
And we're counting our blessings![WOMAN TWO]
Have you seen how the foreman is fuming today?
With his terrible breath and his wandering hands?[WOMAN THREE]
It's because little Fantine won't give him his way[WOMAN ONE]
Take a look at his trousers, you'll see where he stands![WOMAN FOUR]
And the boss, he never knows
That the foreman is always in heat[WOMAN THREE]
If Fantine doesn't look out
Watch how she goes
She'll be out on the street![WORKERS]
At the end of the day it's another day over
With enough in your pocket to last for a week
Pay the landlord, pay the shop
Keep on grafting as long as you're able
Keep on grafting till you drop
Or it's back to the crumbs off the table
You've got to pay your way
At the end of the day![GIRL (Grabbing a letter from Fantine)]
And what have we here, little innocent sister?
Come on Fantine, let's have all the news![Reading the letter]
Ooh..."Dear Fantine you must send us more money...
Your child needs a doctor...
There's no time to lose..."[FANTINE]
Give that letter to me
It is none of your business
With a husband at home
And a bit on the side!
Is there anyone here
Who can swear before God
She has nothing to fear?
She has nothing to hide?[They fight over the letter. Valjean (M. Madeleine) rushes on to break up the squabble.]
[VALJEAN]
Will someone tear these two apart
What is this fighting all about?
This is a factory, not a circus!
Now, come on ladies, settle down
I run a business of repute
I am the Mayor of this town[To the foreman]
I look to you to sort this out
And be as patient as you can-[He goes back into the factory]
[FOREMAN]
Now someone say how this began![GIRL]
At the end of the day
She's the one who began it!
There's a kid that she's hiding
In some little town
There's a man she has to pay
You can guess how she picks up the extra
You can bet she's earning her keep
Sleeping around
And the boss wouldn't like it![FANTINE]
Yes it's true there's a child
And the child is my daughter
And her father abandoned us
Leaving us flat
Now she lives with an innkeeper man
And his wife
And I pay for the child
What's the matter with that?[WOMEN]
At the end of the day
She'll be nothing but trouble
And there's trouble for all
When there's trouble for one!
While we're earning our daily bread
She's the one with her hands in the butter
You must send the slut away
Or we're all gonna end in the gutter
And it's us who'll have to pay
At the end of the day![FOREMAN]
I might have known the bitch could bite
I might have known the cat had claws
I might have guessed your little secret
Ah yes, the virtuous Fantine
Who keeps herself so pure and clean
You'd be the cause I had no doubt
Of any trouble hereabout
You play a virgin in the light
But need no urgin' in the night.[GIRL]
She's been laughing at you
While she's having her men[WOMEN]
She'll be nothing but trouble again and again[WOMAN]
You must sack her today[WORKERS]
Sack the girl today![FOREMAN]
Right my girl. On your way!
My children often make fun of me and my orphan-orphanage-adoption stories... but my oldest, she understands a little more about the ways of the world, and how easy it is to find yourself pregnant after one night at a party.
I'm slowly teaching my oldest daughter about rape. There's date-rape, which she knows a little about. There's drunk careless sex (which is a form of rape, because informed consent cannot be given). There's pedophile rape, (a concept she grabbed, quickly, while reading Nabokov's "Lolita" ). And there's rape-rape... something I have difficulty discussing with her, (but she seems to get the message when she sees me tear-up, and get all emotional and uncomfortable).
It just so happens I found a neat piece written by an "exiled mother". I'm not sure how to present information like the following, to a very young woman who does not have to worry if she will be sent away, or not, for a mistake someone made....
I have been quiet for about a month now. I have been trying to sort through my feelings and processing the information regarding my own daughters adoption 22 years earlier. I needed to step away from my own story for a bit. I still haven’t retained all of my memories from that time. Maybe my subconscious knows that I have enough truth to deal with at this time and won’t release it until I can handle it.
I have been in an email reunion with my daughter for 3 years and the anniversary of us becoming Facebook friends is quickly approaching. In fact it is on the 22nd of this month. I have been feeling very down for over a month and that is what prompted me to look and see if there was some sort of anniversary that would cause this. It’s strange that almost all of my friends who lost children through adoption have this same issue. We all seem to have very strong reactions, even subconsciously, to anniversaries regarding anything to do with our lost children. Birthday’s are one of the worst for ALL of us, Mother’s Day, other holidays, anniversary of reunion all have such a powerful effect on us. I wonder if there is ever a time when any of us will be healed.
I was watching Dateline last night. There was a poor woman who was on there who was severely abused and raped by church members. She became pregnant and the pastor arranged an adoption for her child. I was so angry at the interviewer who said that she “gave up” her child. I was thinking the whole time “Didn’t you hear her? She didn’t GIVE HIM UP!” They, the church, MADE her give the baby to what they deemed a more appropriate/worthy family. I want to reach out to this young woman and see how she feels. I mean really feels about her child being forced from her. I know mothers who conceived through rape and they have all stated that rape was nothing compared to the trauma of losing their child to adoption. Maybe the child was the universe’s reconciliation for the rape…who knows…I ramble.
[From: Ramblings with a Dash of Adoption, April 9, 2011 ]
How does a parent prepare teach her child, heading off to college soon, about this sort of stuff?
How do moms teach their daughters it is NOT OK to send "the unwanted" baby away, just so you may please, (and make it easier for), another person?
HOW? (How do I do it, without getting so personal, and emotional?)
How do we teach our daughters NOT to be martyrs or human sacrifices, because we DO deserve to be treated like God's Gift to the world? [How do we teach Women's Rights... to those who think "human rights" means every person should be given the right to have a job, a career.... MONEY, because money and social status is everything?]
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Fantine and Cosette
The Victor Hugo novel, "Les Miserables" has always fascinated me, for those of you who didn't take French Lit, it is a story translated loosely it means "The Wretched Poor", or "The Victims". The story takes place over a period of time from 1815 culminating in 1832...the June Revolution that took place in France. It is a story about politics, religion and society. There are many characters in the story, two of them being "Fantine" and her young child..."Cosette" (Cosette means in French, as a slang...a little sweet thing). Fantine's character represents the impoverished woman who does everything to care for her child and yet the injustices done to her and her child are despicable.
See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Les_Misérables
What makes this story so relevant, is not only that this story is still occurring in our society and our world today, but as part of the adoption world, Fantines and Cosettes are still prevalent. The story is still the same, when there is greed and corruption and those with no voice who are the ones forgotten by society, they will be exploited.
If you haven't read it or...seen the movie, I urge you to do so. It is one of the most important novels ever written.
A Woman's War
The Fantines (single mothers, because the man left mother and child behind) and Cosettes (children put in (temporary) care, because there is no family to help with care) are not only still prevalent, they are everywhere. The story, (man's inhumanity toward man), is still the same, only now, it's becoming more clear just how blind and ignorant those with sharpened claws are, especially when it comes to the war between women and _(human?)_ rights.
We live in a society where the infertile ladies-in-waiting are laced with a coating that smells a bit like "humanity effort", but the essential stench of greed and corruption still filters-through. The end-result is traditional sexual exploitation, with a new twist that not only keeps the victim's voice silent and forgotten by society, but proves corruption and greed WILL win, if you put the acts in the names of God and religion.
This type of arrogance and sense of "entitlement" from the higher-class has been since biblical times, but it has never been recognized as it needs to be recognized. Why? Because everyone seems to think the baby in the sent-away moses basket is always better off in the new (wealthier) family, no matter what.
I found a brilliant blog-piece that helps bridge this theme of exploitation, misguided fight for Women's Rights, and corrupt adoption practice, into an almost seamless flow of warped rhyme and reason:
The story of Moses...
Kerry stated: "This type of arrogance and sense of "entitlement" from the higher-class has been since biblical times, but it has never been recognized as it needs to be recognized. Why? Because everyone seems to think the baby in the sent-away moses basket is always better off in the new (wealthier) family, no matter what..."
For those of you who are not believers, think of this as a story, with an important message for today:
In perspective: The arrogance on the part of the Princess, who was "given" Moses (baby in the basket) is like the "new (wealthier) families" of today. BUT, when we look at the fact that the princess told (Moses' sister) the little girl to find a women to nurse the baby for her, the "woman" was Moses' own mother. This shows us that GOD was watching out for that baby and had that baby returned to the REAL mother, to bond with (during the most important time in a baby's life), so HE (God) could use him (Moses), when he became a man. God KNEW the importance of the mother/child bond, and made sure THIS child would grow up mentally and emotionally sound. AHHHH, God's ways.... smile .... how we need them now.
Teddy
The mother, the wet-nurse, and the death within the family-unit
Did. Not. Know. That. Small motherly detail. You should see my eyes BULGING as my pulse races.... I don't know the bible well-enough to know those small details. [I used to read when I was little, just to keep out of my family's way, so I remember theme more than fine detail.] But I do know I have always been drawn to stories about history, and the way the wealthy would treat the fellow wealthy, and how the wealthy would treat the poor. I found all too often it doesn't matter what a person knows (the person could be a blazing idiot with the heart of a dead crow), but if that person was in good-favor with a person who had power and ability, that stupid crow person was going to get in better social circles and be given many more opportunities than the poor smarter person next to him, who knows no-body ih high places.
[Don't get me started on the rules of patriarchal systems, appearances, and what gets a person up on the upper echelon of a hierarchal society... you wanna talk about man's cruelty toward woman, because of a twisted sense of 'second best' and what "looks" suggests?]
I'm fascinated by the wet-nurse intervention, because as a breastfeeding mom, I am astutely aware how the mother-baby chemical bond affects not only the production of milk, but the contents of the milk, as well. [I could never understand how Amothers could possibly think they could produce "just as good" breastmilk, through artificial means, all so they too could breastfeed and bond with their adopted newborn -- the benefits for mother and child simply are not the same when you compare benefits given to bio-breastfeeding to the benefits given to adoption's adaptation to breastfeeding. For kicks, go see what eager to please PAPs are being taught to consider: Adoptive Breastfeeding. <gag, heave, vomit>]
Forgive my jump, but my mind races when it's repulsed....
When PPL first began, we posted a fascinating piece written by Lloyd deMause, an Afather and psycho-historian, who gave Niels permission to post a few of his original pieces. Below is an excerpt from The Evolution of Childrearing
The 'other' adoption story in the bible allowed the mother-child bond to continue, as well (the only family member added/replaced was the father-figure).
And modern-day Christan groups are going to try to tell me breaking the mother-child bond, for the sake of an (infant) adoption plan is doing God's Work? I'll pass on sipping on that glass of kool-aid, thank-you.
It's amazing to me how resentment directed toward a "certain type of woman" has made child placement services what it has become these days. Even more amazing is how "pain" felt by a child often brings about a certain pleasure, as "Adoptive moms assure me that adoption is rarely ever a man's idea. And it is almost always an idea born of a woman's pain. The sorrowful heart of a mother meets the sorrowful heart of a child and together they begin a new life." Of course, deMauses' history of parenting shows how lovable "pain" can be to some:
Ah, to be so loved, as to be hurt, over and over again! How lucky, how blessed -- WHAT a great message to send the children of the world, isn't it? "Let's hurt you, so you may be loved."
UGH!
I don't care what the motive, but to "nurse" an adopted child sounds NASTY! I guess this is because of my experience in foster care, where the biological mother got on the stand, to defend herself against the accusations of her own children... she stated, she breast fed her son and had orgasms, and that was the closest she ever came to sexual abuse... That was ONE messed up woman.
Teddy
just this is sad
:(
the older I get the more I wonder if any child should ever be removed from his or her parents... in a class I took and just finished; bible based; they talked about abortion being a sacrific to the ba' al sex god or something....
uhm; having grown up in an environment where many close relatives were getting abortions; women were really just good for sex; etc... it struck close to home... and oddly, even though I have always been a pro-lifer not something I had ever heard of before...
just the whole thing is really sad to me...
Sacrifices to Baal...
Because people back then were sacrificing their first born to a demon god (Baal), people have paralleled that to abortion because most aborted babies are the first born.
Therefore saying that abortion is of the devil.
Teddy
Of the devil
There are times bible-thumpers really fascinate me... simply because it's my belief A) the world is full of false prophets and deceivers and B) those who teach theory are often those who cannot do (or endure) themselves.
Therefore, I find this comment very interesting:
Those of the Christian faith claim to believe/know Jesus was the ultimate human sacrifice, making any other human sacrifice (blood and body given/offered, for redemption purposes) obsolete.
If that is true, why should any mother have to sacrifice her unborn to a "loving couple", in lieu of 1) keeping what was chosen for her, "fit" or "unfit" 2) relinquishing to an unknown entity, (medical waste). How is making a child bait for an adoption agency a "good" thing?
Furthermore, how is it the 'desperate to adopt' ... the one with a strong desire to have (covet) what belongs to another... is of better moral character, stock and fiber than the one who has sex outside the institution of marriage? Do Christians know marriage is NOT required, according to God's Law? [It's given sanctioned approval, but marriage, itself, is not a required act that must be done to receive God's approval.]
Better yet, how is the so-called Christian follower doing God's Work, if "creating an adoptive family" means one must break another family, first? If sin is sin, (and "thou shall not covet the goods of another " is within God's Top Ten), then I have to confess, claiming adoption (adapting to new rules/life style), and adding the strong desire to please a master, (so once can have much more), and calling all of that "God's Will" (and done in Jesus' name) is not only sketchy, it's also a very questionable interpretation of what God wants people to practice, in day-to-day life.
I mean, really, let's read the desires (and the reasons behind those human desires of an adult) and see if certain acts can be justified, according to God's Law:
Right off the bat, we know money is used in a variety of good and bad ways in child/family services. In Adoptionland, fees and costs are put upon the
purchaser, person who buys a legal documentProspective Adoptive Parent. It is no secret, in private-practice, (whether it be infant or international adoption) people agree to pay tens of thousands of dollars, and endure various financial/character checks and cross-checks, all so they may receive the legal document that proves X person is ________'s parent. And still, it's also widely know that corruption, false testimony, and blatant lies are told, all in the name of a "good" adoption plan.Meanwhile, there are all SORTS of obvious signs and roadblocks, seen almost every day in Adoptionland, showing those with eyes and ears, those with an adoption-plan ought to S-L-O-W D-O-W-N before any plan or transaction is final.
In one recent article, we learn, step-by-step, just how me-oriented some adoption plans really are, and how blind some have become because their will has not been done:
The article continues with more flag raising warning:
Yes, things HAVE gotten worse. The price for an "orphan" has gone up in value, making the demand for more that much more of a priority for those with
misguided intentionsunder the false impression that more adoptions will solve the orphanage over-population (underfunded/understaffed) problem that is growing all over Adoptionland. Still, behold the level of strong adamant denial:The arrogance blows my mind. Especially if one has never been in a situation where your plea for help is not being understood (it's being misinterpreted) by another who seems to think one's body language tells the entire story.
Here's my final red-flag, because it shows how lie upon lie builds, so those who profit most from charity and God's Name can be found laughing, as they go to the bank or store, and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars of agency funds on personal expenses such as trips, clothes and renovations to their home.
I truly wonder which is the lesser of two evils/sins? A (surrogate) mother's choice to prevent future hardship, (as Flage has unintentionally become... the girls' surrogate mother-figure and financial benefactor); coupled with a call for living family members, so a pre-existing family can be preserved, OR an act that requires far more than just one person to inflict pain and loss upon others (through "legal" separation and a variety of dastardly deeds) all so money and praise and God Points (?!?) can be "earned".
Actually, I don't wonder, I already know... I just more saw the signs to a better plan are not necessarily where the determined and focused and "inspired" are looking. After all, how many have heard the phrase, "God works in mysterious ways"?
In any case, I had two very close, very religious friends who found-out they were pregnant. Both were very fearful of the wrath that may result from their choice, as the choice was centered around an 'unwanted' (out of wedlock) pregnancy. Both knew marriage to a person outside their faith would be an enormous problem. Both knew about a dark-side to the adoption-story... not just because they knew some details from/about me, through my own testimony and examples. My story only added to the information they had, as witnessed by themselves, through other people.
Their choice to overlook The Adoption Option was made not in haste or desperation, but with love, and deliberate thought and consideration.
In their minds, terminating their unplanned pregnancy meant the unborn child would not have to suffer from or with the consequences that come with knowing A) one parent was not strong enough to stay, and make things better (for the sake of the child) B) with adoption, there comes it's own loss and grief, which is the natural consequence that results when
one liesany and all facts (about the child or the mother/father) become manufactured, hidden or fabricated, just so "God's Plan" (and The Orphan Crusade) can be revealed to the world.The Higher Power I know/pray to would not want lies and fraud to be done in His, or His Family's name. I have no doubt in this core belief of mine. However, I cannot say I don't hide certain truths... I do... for the sake of myself, and those I still fear and honor.