exposing the dark side of adoption
Register Log in

Saying sorry; showing signs of improvement

public

I was reading a recent piece written by Sherrie Eldridge titled, What Often Melts Adoptee Anger at Birth Parents?  Answer?  A simple apology for the pain caused by the decision to put the child up for adoption. 

I thought about that, and I do think there is some valid truth to it.... a simple apology from a first-parent would be nice, especially if the child was never severely neglected or abused.  Thing is, I'm not sure each and every adoptee sees the adoption-option as a rational decision, or a happy-ever-after solution.  I know in some cases, there are women living in such desperate dangerous situations, relinquishing a child to better safer external care is the only option available... but what about the children who had cowards and/or child abusers as first-parents?  How would the "I'm sorry" start... how would it go?

"'I'm sorry for not having the balls to stay and help you and your mother".

"I'm sorry for making 'temporary', 'permanent'"

"I'm sorry I listened to my parents and counseling members of the clergy/adoption agency and agreed, letting you go was 'the most loving thing to do'".

"I'm sorry for not taking care of you; I'm sorry for letting you starve and I'm sorry for the sores that got bloody and stuck to the sheets."

"I'm sorry for doing things that proved your thoughts, your feelings, your needs didn't matter to me."

"I'm sorry for not being a more responsible human being."

"I'm sorry for keeping my distance, I'm sorry for not coming back to you much much sooner."

A sorry-apology is nice, but for the abused adoptee, "sorry" gets a little more complicated, especially when one considers the fact that so many people automatically assume each and every adoption story represents a situation that did improve... things got much better.  For the profoundly abused adoptee, such is not the case.

What sort of apology would help melt the anger felt by any of these adoptees?

How many abused adoptees would like an apology from the birth parents, the adoptive parents AND the agency/agencies that placed him/her child in a dysfunctional and abusive home?  How would those apologies go?

Problem with being an adoptee waiting for "a formal apology", so so bloody many in Adoptionland simply don't think they did anything wrong.

I'd love to get a sincere apology from a few key people -- but after many decades, I have learned it's best to stop holding my breath.  I'm at the point where I'd like to tell the members of Adoptionland:  Forget the apologies (forget the words... the carefully chosen phrases... they have become meaningless to me).... just show me serious improvement.   SHOW me just how much the lives of children really matter. 

by Kerry on Saturday, 24 April 2010