How am I supposed to say good-bye?

Since December 2006, I've been fighting DHS- to keep my kids out of foster care, to get them home from foster care, to keep them from being put back in foster care, and to keep my parental rights from being terminated. The whole time, my now ex-husband was dead weight at best, actively working to sabotage me at worst.
 
So, it's finally come down to this. My parental rights were terminated yesterday, I get one more visit with my kids to say goodbye, and then they'll be put into a pre-adoptive placement. I've still got an appeal, but my chances are slim. I'm not sure who will adopt them- their paternal aunt has been circling like a vulture since she heard there was a chance I might lose them, she's still mad at me because I could get pregnant and she couldn't, so she thinks it's fair that she gets to steal my kids. She lives halfway across the country, has only met them a few times, and didn't have much interest in them before she saw them as a chance for her to be a mommy. I want them to be adopted by their former foster parents, who know them, love them, live in town, and would allow some contact with me. The other possibility is stranger adoption, which I see as a risk, but probably better than their aunt.
 
I think I should tell them they're going to be taken away and adopted by a new family. My son is 7 1/2, my daughter is 5.  I know he'll remember me, and I'm assuming he'll be able to find me online within a few years.
 
Oh, and one ironic detail is that DHS knows but does not seem to care that I'm part of a household with children. I can't see my own kids, but I can take care of other people's children no problem. So, if my kids do run into me in public, or find me online, it will be pretty obvious that I'm functionally part of a family. How would it feel to be taken away from your mom, and then run into her at the grocery store with her friends' kid? 
 
I don't know what to tell them. I plan to write letters to both of them that they can read when they get older, but I don't know what to say, other than how wrong it is. I'm also thinking about getting them some soft fuzzy blankets to keep them warm. He has a quilt I made for him, but it's in storage, and I still need to finish her quilt. I don't have time to knit anything new, although I could do some quick scrapbooks. I just don't know how to let them go, or what to do with my life for the next 10 years, or if they'll be raised to think I didn't want them or that I'm a bad mommy and I would have hurt them. 
 
If anyone has any insight, please let me know.

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I am dumfounded

Your posting doesn't say why your parental rights were terminated.  I only know that in my state (California) it is difficult to remove natural children from the bio mom.  It takes years of court and proof that it is not in the best interest of the children to stay with their natural parent.  The judges always sway toward the bio parent even if that parent is unfit and is making arrangements to change or taking classes to learn to become a better parent  they CANNOT remove your child it is difficult.  Unless of course someone has proven that it is dangerous for your child to stay in your home.

Reading your post you sound like a level headed articulate person with a reasonable intelligence so I am confused as to why this would happen?   Is there police records involved?  documentation, paper trails?  What have the social workers said / or not said?   What have the Foster parents said about your children?

It will take money to get your children back and a lawyer that can comb through your situation.  The children have been removed but they have not relinquished your rights as a parent have they?  

Australia speak to mothers who had babies taken from them.

Mothers looking for answers after losing babies

11 Mar, 2010

SUE never wanted to give her baby away.

But like so many other pregnant, unwed teenage girls in the 1960s, she had no choice.

Now 58, Sue has spent most of her live grieving for her baby girl lost through the “wicked” government-sanctioned adoption policies of the 1950s, 60s, 70s and 80s.

But with the help of Mandurah MLA David Templeman, who listened to the local woman’s story and agreed to help, Sue, along with thousands of other women forced to give up their babies, looks set to receive a State Government apology.

Following an emotive speech by Mr Templeman in State Parliament last month which detailed Sue’s heartbreaking account of the birth and loss of her daughter, the local MLA called on the government to acknowledge and apologise for this “great wrong”.

Health Minister Kim Hames announced last week that an apology was being prepared.

Dr Hames said he would read the apology in State Parliament and wanted to see a memorial created for families affected by the “cruel” welfare practices of the 1940s-1980s.

And while acknowledgment of the gross injustices of illegal and forced adoption will be welcomed by Sue, nothing will erase the years of grief and pain she has felt since having her first-born taken from her.

“My baby was born on July 16, 1968, and that moment has haunted me ever since,” Sue said.

“My beautiful little baby was born and I heard her terrified cries for me, her mother.

“They covered my face to prevent me seeing her and drugged me into oblivion.”

Sue said a “veil of secrecy, shame and toxic humiliation” descended on her life from that point on and even now she says her “baby’s cries are just as vivid today as they were back then”.

“My empty arms still ache from the inability to respond, to hold and protect her,” Sue said.

“I live daily with a frozen tension in my body, rising to panic at times at my inability to satisfy my maternal instinct to take care of her and answer her cry.

“This is in a constant holding pattern together with a profound sense of loss, grief, frustration and anger.

“We were the sole legal guardians of our children and the authorities had no right to deprive us of seeing, touching and holding our babies.”

What Sue finds most difficult to accept though is the “perpetuation of the lie” that mothers willingly gave their babies to strangers and that their babies were unwanted.

“There was no consultation, no preparation,” she said.

“Our kids need to know it wasn’t their mothers who gave them away.

“None of us gave our babies away willingly.

“We were young and vulnerable and up against a system too powerful to fight.”

Mr Templeman agreed and said he used his parliamentary speech to expose what he referred to as a “great injustice” and encourage the Government to expedite the apology process in consultation with victims of the then-governments’ brutal adoption policies.

“All I want is for these women to have their truth told,” he said.

“Let’s expose this and acknowledge it was wrong.”

Sue said she was grateful for Mr Templeman’s help and appreciated the time he had spent listening to her story.

“He gave us a voice,” she said.

“A voice that had been denied and suppressed for so long.”

Sue encouraged other women who went through similar trauma to contact Mr Templeman and be a part of the government’s acknowledgement and apology process.

Adoption horror: A local woman whose story was told in parliament by Mandurah MLA David Templeman has welcomed the news that an apology is set to be made to victims of a past adoption policy which left families shattered.

I've had my rights

I've had my rights terminated. I have a court-appointed lawyer, we are appealing but it's a long shot.
 
As to why they were removed- my ex abused me, he would not clean the house while I was working, and it took too long for me to get away from him, and by the time we separated fro good, the clock had run out, and the standards for me to get the kids back was set very high. So, basically the judge decided I couldn't manage to support 2 children (one of whom has Asperger's), supervise them, and keep the house clean enough for Martha Stewart to show up with a camera crew at any moment, all on my own without any help from friends or family. She's probably right. Even though my parental rights have been terminated, no one seems to care that I'm keeping an eye on a 4 yr old while I'm typing this.
 
I know that sounds crazy, but if you want to know more about how the system really works, read http://www.nccpr.blogspot.com/

FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BLOW

FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS TO BLOW SHIT OUT OF THEIR ASSES TO MOTHERS THAT LOSE THEIR CHILDREN: IT IS THAT DAMN EASY! I WAS IN THE SYSTEM AS A CHILD AND NOW AS AN ADULT THEY TOOK MY CHILD...FROM DAYCARE, DID NOT NOTIFY ME AND AFTER 3 YRS OF FIGHTING LIKE HELL THEY TERMINATED MY RIGHTS..THEIR REASONING? I GREW UP IN FOSTER CARE AND COULD NOT POSSIBLY BE A SUITABLE PARENT AFTER NEVER RECEIVING PROPER PARENTING MYSELF..YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SERIOUSLY CORRUPTED THIS SYSTEM IS. THEY ABSOLUTELY WILL KIDNAP YOUR CHILD ESPECIALLY IF YOU DONT HAVE A SHIT TON OF FAMILY TO BACK YOU UP..I SHOWED PROOF TO MY JUDGE ( SAME JUDGE THAT ADOPTED ME OUT AND LATER LEARNED THE PARENTS SHE PICKED WERE CHILD MOLESTERS) AND SHE DID NOT EVEN BLINK AN EYE AT THE FACT THAT THE CASE WORKER AND FOSTER MOTHER (WHO NOW WANTS TO KEEP MY BABY) WERE IN FACT LYING! ABOUT HOW MANY TIMES I CALLED, WHAT WAS SAID, I MEAN THESE MUTHERFUCKERS LIED!!!! YOU WANNA KNOW THE TRUTH? JUST LOOK UP NANCY SHAFERS VIDEO ON CPS CORRUPTION ON UTUBE! and to anyone who loses their child and know they dont deserve it..I am truly sorry and I too know what you feel..its pure evil

For anyone else....

I don't know the particulars of your situation, but please believe me....I sympathize.

My own (birth)mother placed me for adoption in 1975. She thought it was best that I be adopted into a stable and loving family.

What she did not expect was that I would never be adopted. Instead, I was shuffled from home to home, and abused physically, emotionally, and sexually.

I dedicated years of my professional life to making sure that no child had to endure that kind of maltreatment. The work was draining. I think it (and the aftermath of childhood abuse) broke me. I'm now retired -- on disability -- age of onset before 40. I am MORTIFIED to leave the home of the ex-husband I cannot stand because I simply cannot bear the conflict that would ensue over my own child. I would rather "do my time with her" than to do it without her.

So believe me when I tell you this. They lie. They lie shamelessly. They get away with it. It requires a team approach complete with OJ-Dream Team advocacy to slow the steamroller enough to get a family out of the path of obliteration.

They become "moving targets." Whenever you seem to have reached the goals set for you, the goals can and will be changed. You can believe that they will "lie" about that, as well.

They will make you seem "crazy." "Unbalanced." They may medicate you needlessly, or give you an Axis II (Personality) diagnosis. They pay the doctors.

Odds are, if you are in this situation, you can't afford to pay anyone.

You make a mistake? You are HORRIBLE. You're condemned for it.

My recommendation to you ALL? Stop talking. Yep, you heard me correctly. Don't talk with your social workers UNLESS you are willing to write them, e-mail them, etc. to confirm what was said.

Learn whether you live in a one-way consent for recording state, or a two-way consent for recording state. If you live in a one-way consent state, for HEAVEN'S SAKE, RECORD your conversations.

Take pictures at visits. Lots of them. Show your kids smiling, and happy to be with you. Washing your kids up gives you a chance to see if someone ELSE is abusing them. AND, for the sake of anything you believe to be HOLY, if you see ANYTHING.....take pictures, and call in referrals to the Child Abuse Hotline.

Go to school, and meet the teacher. Go to conferences. Go to day care. Go to the pediatrician. NEVER stop going, NEVER stop showing up....be there. However you have to get there, go.

Join groups for help and support. Getting your child back is never a one person job. You will need to demonstrate your social supports. So, if this means doing free housework for someone to assure that you have a ride to court/a visit, do it. If it means cooking a meal for someone who needs a hand just to make sure you have someone willing to help you when you need it, do it. The nice thing is, these people also become witnesses for you.

Save receipts for every thing you buy, every thing you do. Make photocopies of them, tape the originals next to the photocopies, and bind them.

When you visit your children, come prepared to groom them, feed them well-balanced meals, play with them....YOU ARE ON DISPLAY. So take pictures yourself!

NEVER, EVER, EVER....NEVER miss a visit.

NEVER, EVER, EVER....NEVER miss a court date.

I can tell you....I used to win cases. My clients brought their kids home. I used to say often, "you'll get your kids back if you follow directions, even if I have to die trying." Well, it may sound melodramatic, but I almost did die trying.

Give 'em hell.

And if you already lost? I assure you, your children will come to find you. Stay listed. Keep a phone. Keep your life straight. They will come filled with questions, filled with pain, and with stories to tell that you simply cannot do anything about.

But I promise you, they will come. Be ready when they arrive.

Reply to I am dumbfounded

I agree it would help to know what grounds the Child Welfare and Judicial system in California used to terminate this mothers parental rights but you are incorrect in your reply by saying it is difficult to remove natural children from the bio mom in the state of California. Each state has their own statutes for grounds on which they can involuntarily terminate parental rights. However biological parents children have been unjustly and /or parental rights have been unjustly terminated and their children adopted out at an alarming rate for years now. Unfortunately there are still people naive to this fact and this contributes to this ongoing nightmare for families who are victims of the state. I and every other parent or grandparent who has been through this thought the same way you are thinking. That was a huge mistake to believe that this sort of thing could not happen because it does happen and it could happen to you.

"The judges always sway toward the bio parent even if that parent is unfit and is making arrangements to change or taking classes to learn to become a better parent they CANNOT remove your child it is difficult. "

Many children are removed with pre-determined outcomes! Concurrent case plans are extremely popular.

"Unless of course someone has proven that it is dangerous for your child to stay in your home."

Do you realize that the majority of children are removed on hearsay alone? A hearing is held in front of a juvenile or family court judge, usually within 72 hours after removal. This hearing is where the judge with determine whether your child will be going back home with you or remaining in foster or foster/adopt care. The judge makes this determination on the evidence presented before them which consists mainly on hearsay. The parents are not allowed to know the identity of or confront their accuser.

"It will take money to get your children back and a lawyer that can comb through your situation. "

This is accurate! It is very hard to find an attorney to take this on. Those that will, yes it will take Money, lots of money could get your children back but it would have to be more money than what the states receives through the ASFA Law Title IV Federal funding, bonus' and incentives for each child that is adopted out through foster care. As far as the requirement of being a "special needs" child, any child can be a "special needs" child we see that happen every day! If a child has been in placement for 15 out of 22 months the state must file a petition for adoption OR they will not be eligible for the Title IV funding. Many states and counties have moved to 12 month and even 6 months of placement then filing petitions to terminate parental rights.

"The children have been removed but they have not relinquished your rights as a parent have they”?

The mother’s rights have been terminated. A termination of parental rights (TPR) is commonly called "the death sentence of family court" because when your parental rights are terminated those rights are completely and permanently severed. However you have 30 days to appeal this action but many appeals are denied before they get in front of an appeals judge and very, very few parents will prevail. Many parents are so mentally beaten down after what they have been through attempting to work case plans that were developed for failure that they are emotionally distraught, deep into grief from their children being taken away and their self esteem also stripped from them they are not strong enough to fight. When this 30 days has lapsed their children are adopted a sap and in concurrent case plans ALL OF the adoption arrangements are already made BEFORE the Hearing (non jury trial) on the TPR !

There ARE children whose parents abuse them. Child abusers should be put in front of a criminal judge in a criminal court of law because child abuse is a crime, at least it use to be and it should be! Rarely this will take place and if you look at the legal ads in your newspaper you will see that this is not the usual case. Juvenile and family courts are civil courts and the judges help to train the court appointed parent attorneys and child welfare employees, they pick who will serve on the Judicial Citizens Review Panels, many are deeply involved with CASA as they are appointed by the judge, this same judge will be the parents appeal judge should they decide to appeal the findings of the Judicial Citizens Review Panel and will also be the person to decide your fate at the TPR trial.

I am a widow of an attorney and it wasn't that long ago that when parents turned their lives around they got their children back because people can and many do change. Now, things are different. If you were allowed to sit in their secret courts you would be shocked. Since many state laws have changed and the secret court doors are to be opened you will still find most of them closed for whatever reason they can think up.

It is not what it seems.

Thank you
Callie Thornton
http://peacejourney.net

DYFS

I am going to back this one up as a parent who has lost her children to the state of New Jersey. They are ruthless. YOU HAVE ONE YEAR TO GET REUNIFIED. If you have not been reunified with your children in those 12 months, they are permanantly placed and you loose contact with them.

I personally am an addict. I admit, I got high. Very high, after a tragic loss and my child was taken the same day. I was never offered a rehab, just some local out patient programs, which I did attend. I showed up for everything. This state preys on the weak. The reason why I say that is because they never ever came to my house, I knew I lost when it all started. The family court in this state makes a mockery of what the American Judicial System should be.
When it was all finalized, I was clean, I have remained clean since. In the hopes that when my child does come looking for me, I will be ready. I am so beaten down, five years later, I remain scared of the Family Court. My child no longer resides in this state. My child was placed with the other parent, which DYFS found on thier own after many years of being out of the picture.. Introduced my traumatized child to this person and told my child who this person was, and sent my child to go and live with this absent parent in a matter of four one hour visits. It is a joke. My child had a large family that raised her here in NJ and was removed from that in a matter of weeks. They even fabricated a record on an interested family member, put up road blocks and subjected my siblings to urine tests just for visits that NEVER EVEN HAPPENED!

My ex does come from a family with more money than my family. I know that this was a factor in court. It recently has come to my attention the traveling, lawyer and other accomodations for my ex were paid for by the state.

It is sad, that even clean, it does not matter... I know it all boils down to money to show my child that I truly care.

My sentiments exactly

"It is sad, that even clean, it does not matter... I know it all boils down to money to show my child that I truly care."

Perhaps I still have hope yet, but from where I stand now I see the light at the end of the tunnel narrowing as CA CPS prepares to take my son who has autism. When he was in my custody I was able to afford to care for us on minimum wage because he received SSI because of his special needs. First they were "concerned" that I lived in house with a history of domestic violence. So I left and now they are "concerned" about my living situation. I am doing all the treatment and classes they require, but it is hard to fulfill their requirement to provide a stable place to live on just my income alone, with no help from family or friends. It's also hard to find time looking for higher paying jobs between working and all the classes etc. Not to mention I would be able to afford him if he were in my custody because of SSI, but I have to afford him first to earn custody.

It is frustrating to be set up like this. In my case it is sad that my own mother was good earning money to care for me and my sister but failed in emotional neglect and abuse. It is sad that I know how I did the very opposite, giving lots of love, praise, and encouragement and comfort when my son was sad but not making a lot of money for working hard to provide for him. Yet CPS awarded my Mom custody, and now CPS takes it away it from me based on "neglect." And guess what, my Mom says she can't help. WTF.

I suppose one positive note is I have another son who is in custody with his father, so I can continue to be more involved in his life. But now how do I explain why he may never see his brother again?

So sad, sad, sad. :(

In all states it no longer

In all states it no longer takes years it takes 1 year. But you don't realize is this dyfs lies a lot and withholds evidence. Even if a attorney points out the lies the judges still side with dyfs. Like in my case. They have lied after lied purposely filed motions barring doctors from getting critical documents that the apoallate not only cleared me but said there was no risk harm. Clearly my kids should have not been taking away. Clearly dyfs files these motions so dyfs can hide these documents. Then when you defend yourself they say the oarent is crazy. Meanw hile dyfs speaks with the dead peoole in my case. I got the caseworker on recording admotting there was no mental health issues. The onpy oeople who have mental health problems and should be evaluated by a doctor is dyfs. And even the judges. I think it a dyfs sickness and mental disorder to be a complusive liar. What more sickening when they do and laugh and storm out the courtroom knowing they lied. These judges are bias and should be disbarred. These judges makes up every excuse in the book so they can find dyfs creditable against parents. It a cash cow business. How about the latest dyfs briebs our kids with disney trips to get your kids to turn on you. After there walt disney trip they tell the kids your not going home. They steal people kids and brieb our kids with walt disney trips.

Stranger Adopter Here

I don't know what to tell them. I plan to write letters to both of them that they can read when they get older, but I don't know what to say, other than how wrong it is. I'm also thinking about getting them some soft fuzzy blankets to keep them warm. He has a quilt I made for him, but it's in storage, and I still need to finish her quilt. I don't have time to knit anything new, although I could do some quick scrapbooks. I just don't know how to let them go, or what to do with my life for the next 10 years, or if they'll be raised to think I didn't want them or that I'm a bad mommy and I would have hurt them.

We adopted both our children through foster care.  My son (1995) and daughter (1998) were both five years old when they were placed in our home.  They're now 20 and 17 years old.  I am one of those "stranger adopters" you mention in your post.

I'm sorry to hear you don't have a good relationship with their paternal aunt.  In general, I believe that foster children are better served remaining in their extended biological family whenever possible.

Your children's former foster parents seem to be a good alternative given their close proximity and willingness to allow ongoing contact to some degree.  I can't tell you how important that will be, both now and in the future.  At the very least, your children will not have to wonder where you are, how you're doing, or even if you're still alive and kicking.

As to your question above, yes, it's really important that you give them something to remember you by.  My daughter's biological mother left her a journal after the cancer monster ate her, but my daughter's mentally ill father destroyed it before the state terminated his parental rights.    Fortunately, we've been able to piece together much of her mother's family history over the years.

A letter in your handwriting.  Pictures in a scrapbook.  A snuggly quilt made by your hands.  A stuffed animal with a special meaning.  All great ideas - just make it happen.  Most likely your kids will cherish anything with a direct link back to you.  Somewhere in that mess he calls his bedroom, my son still has a puppet made out of a sock that his mom made him 17 years ago.

I'm sorry for your personal circumstances and the pain you must be feeling at this time.

Dad

 

It's not merely that I don't

It's not merely that I don't have a good relationship with her.
 
She was never someone I would have picked as a friend, but she was my husband's sister, so I tried to be nice to her. I made her a quilt when she got married.
 
A few years later, she still hadn't gotten pregnant when my daughter was conceived. There was a big family reunion planned when I was 3 months pregnant, we decided we'd tell people then.  2 days before the reunion, we were at his mom's house, and his sister and her husband were there. The next day, the house would be full of people, the day after that was the reunion, and since his sister lives 1000 miles away, we weren't likely to see her again until well after the baby was born. It seemed like it'd be better to tell her one-on-one in person while we had some privacy, but his mom told us to wait, that it wasn't the right time. We were talking about her infertility issues, and that we'd had trouble conceiving our first, and it just seemed like lying by omission not to tell her I was pregnant again. So, we did.
 
She threw a fit! Locked herself in a bedroom, went off about how we didn't deserve to have kids because we didn't make as much money as they did. His parents called us jerks for telling her that I was pregnant, and insisted we should have waited for a better time- which I still think that they meant not to tell her until she got pregnant. After that, his whole family stopped talking to us until after the baby was born.
 
After that, she showed very little interest in the kids until there was a possibility that they'd be put up for adoption, at which point she swooped in to tell us how willing she'd be to adopt our kids if they got taken away, and basically acted like a circling vulture. After we separated, she emailed me again to say she wanted to adopt the kids and got upset when I told her about the efforts I was making to get them back, then she blocked my email and blocked me on facebook.
 
The last contact I had with her was when she anonymously posted a comment on a blog entry from 3 years earlier. She'd had to go that far back to find anything public that had anything to do with foster care or the problems in our marriage. I had written a list of things he would need to do in order for me to stay with him, including no more violence, no more lying, etc, and she commented "I wonder what his list looks like. I'm sure you are not peaches and cream either..I wonder what his list looks like for you..I know for a fact you are no good wife and mother either or else your kids wouldn't be in foster care." She'd chewed me out at the time for what I was doing to my kids- which what I'd done was walk home from work, ask him to leave, got brutally assaulted in front of the kids, and called the cops, who were more concerned about the messy home than about the domestic violence, especially since he explained to them that I was crazy and making the whole thing up.
 
I know he's her brother, but if my brother had attacked his ex-wife in front of their kids, I would have supported her in getting out of the marriage. Of course, his mom always lied to the ER staff when she needed to get medical attention after their dad beat her, and told him to lie to explain the bruises he got, so I guess that's how they were raised.
Any questions about why I don't want this woman raising my children?

Stages of mental distress when dealing with infertility.

I don't know whether this may help or how much research you are able to access, but a recent radio programme on our National Radio (New- Zealand), interviewed a woman who had researched into effects infertlity have on the mental health of couples. One mental health effect described the sort of behavior that often relatively wealthy couples manifest when dealing with infertility.
Infertility treatment costs and often only those people on large incomes can afford it. Despite that they are always presented as 'victims'. In poor people infertility is seen as a positive thing, with the result being that the normal situation of a working couple becoming 'pregnant' is often viewed in terms of how the birth will affect the parent's ability to earn a living, 'pay their way' so to speak, and not become anyone else's responsibility, or take up any resources.
I had never thought of this behavior as a mental illness before. She listed a range of negative behaviors, for example, regarding the overdevelopment of a sense of generated 'entitlement' the pain of infertlity produces ; and how this can lead to infertile couples teaming up to hunt and victimise other parents they see as 'unworthy', of parenthood; an attitude of "What is my baby doing in your womb? or "I've been 'good all my life where's my baby, why has God (or the stork) forgotten me?" In it's extreme and unchecked, these people become hypercritical, bullies (parenting Nazis in attitude) looking for a target to reconcile their feelings of alienation, and are provided for by reinforcement of "family values", focussing on disadvantaged people pathalogically, to compensate for the pain their own situation generates. This is ignored or condoned as these unbalanced attitudes are treated as 'normal', and convienently provide a smokescreen to hide the lack of will 'big' society has regarding the promotion and practise of a 'caring' inclusive humane community. There is more proven profit in angst.
It is for that reason that I fully apreciate Kerry's site, and turn to it whenever I see issues like this, which I have experienced. For now the fact that we have a forum to speak out collectivly gives me hope that affected parents can join together and change the tide of public opinion which commodifies human lives, especilly in matters of caregiving for others, as the property of industry, and feeds the profitable child stealing and forms the engine for the welfare industry. We need people like you to speak out and ask for support and feel entitled to receive it, even if it is from others in the same or similar situations. A start is that thanks to Kerry we know that we must number in the millions. Question is where do we go from here?

Go from here

First, thank you for your kind words and very thought-provoking post....

I'd like to explore the mind of the infertile, and all that goes with it in Adoptionland because I think it's a very interesting and perplexing mind-set, especially when it seems so many people want most what they can not have.   I know in my own case, a funny thing happens when a goal is reached.  It's almost like a shopping list of doubt-filled questions pop-up, feeding my mind MORE things to think about.  Kinda like, "Are you sure?  Are you sure this is not a joke?"  Those doubting questions get followed with, "NOW what?... where did that good feeling, that adrenaline, that excitement go?"

I think for most normal people, goal-reaching is a lot like sex.  You work, you work, it starts feeling good, you reach that point you can't believe it's true...then you sit back and breathe, overwhelmed (in a good-way) by the after-glow that comes with a job well-done.  Problem is, after-glow doesn't last.  For some, that peaceful state can last a day or a minute, or in some situations, there is no after-glow because the entire goal-achieving event was faked.  From this, I see two general types of people:  "normal" and "unhealthy".  For the "normal" person, after a goal is reached, and the savoring moment has passed, the "normal" person will sense a new need... a new goal, define it, and then do the work necessary to achieve that goal.  For the 'unhealthy' person, for some reason, a new drive to succeed doesn't seem to kick-in; instead, that person lets restless boredom, apathy, angry frustration, and/or depression take-over.

So let's take my sex analogy, and turn it into baby-making.

Let's take the nervous excitement  "normal" people get when they prepare for a baby/child, and remove all pregnancy-related hormones that go with family-planning.  What happens when the goal of "have baby" is achieved, and the sobering reality of "it's over" kicks-in? 

Wanna talk about mental illness (and what's unhealthy) in adoptive families?  Read this:  These boys deserve so much more than I can give them, and please read the comments, especially when post-adoption depression gets mentioned.

The bottom line is simple.... all things related to adoption lack transparency, and this opacity... this fog...is clouding the minds of people who need a healthy dose of reality, not fantasy.

From a more clear stand-point, I believe better improvements and suggestions (for all involved) can be made. 

transparent lies

I find the relationship between adoption and infertility fascinating, especially since adoption has been promoted as a solution for the infertile for as long as adoption exists. Yet adoption doesn't solve infertility; it is only a solution to a consequence of infertility. A child may solve the problem of childlessness, but that child changes nothing about the underlying infertility issues involved. Adoption isn't even the quick fix so many would like it to be.

My adoptive parents were formally infertile, though it's unknown if they really were unable to have children of their own, since they never tried unprotected sex. Adopting me solved one issue, their childlessness, but it didn't solve the issue of their infertility, which in fact became more of a looming issue once I entered their family.

Before my adoption the "infertility" my parents inflicted upon themselves, created huge tensions in their marriage, but once I was there, I became an artificial outlet for those tensions, and with that, they lost the drive to change their ways.

I am aware that my adoptive parents didn't have the most common form of infertility. I sometimes even wonder if there are other adoptees whose a-parent's reason for infertility was the use of condoms. Yet I guess there is often more to infertility than usually meets they eye.

Adoption meets only the goal of childlessness, but it doesn't meet the goal of solving or accepting infertility. In fact adoption can either brush infertility issues under the carpet, or can become a constant reminder of the underlying infertility issues. In either case the adopted child grows up in an unhealthy situation.

Despite extensive post-placement monitoring, up to three years after I started living with my adoptive parents, none of the professionals involved ever questioned my a-parents story about their infertility. No medical records were lifted to learn the truth. No efforts were made to solve the issues related to their childlessness. As a consequence my childhood was much more unhealthy than it should have been.

Social workers could have made an attempt to shine some disinfecting sunlight upon my a-parents procreational activities, but instead they simply followed the procedure, and my adoptive parents were all too happy no one asked any probing questions.

When mental gets physical

Perhaps one of my biggest AP-pet-peeves is the complaint that the adoption interview questions are too intrusive and invasive.  I'm not sure if the offended PAP's are uber naive or just that scared of rejection/denial, but I don't see why it's so difficult to understand the obvious relationship between a person's sex-life/sexual activity and the ability to parent responsibly, appropriately, and within certain safe limits and boundaries.  And yet, ironically, it's often the sex-life of a quiet conservative person that can easily disrupt a home.  The two extremes I have seen are the conservative prudish parent having no sex at all, (making the partner extremely uptight, on-edge and angry), or  the conservative prudish parent having secret kinky (taboo) sex, just not with the spouse.  What amuses me is, the unsuspecting spouse  would never believe what the partner is doing, simply because it's that deviant from the everyday norm.

My Amother was a chronic complainer, always sick, always in pain, always needing something... validation, attention, comfort, an excuse... things she couldn't always get from her spouse or family, but she could get from 'the right' medical professional.  When she was not at work playing role of perfect conservative mom and teacher, she was home, in bed, lights off, door closed.  Alone.  She always slept alone... my parents never shared a bed, unless it was that rare and uncomfortable conjugal visit.

On a daily basis, I don't know which was worse, having to witness the fake relationship that held them together, or being alone, with her and her litany of complaints.  I hated being home, alone, with her... the burden to care for a woman who "didn't deserve so much loss and pain", a person who insisted her problems were NOT all in her head -- it was too much for me, a young girl with serious family problems, myself.  It was always about her, and there was never a thought given to my own comfort.  If what she said made me uncomfortable, I was being too sensitive, or not at all the support she needed.  She would talk about things that would make me cringe, but I could not say anything.  If I complained, it meant I didn't love my mother.... if I complained, I would be betraying her trust, and not honoring my mother, like a good obedient child should.

By the time I was 13 or so, I felt like I had enough.  I remember telling her over and over again, (between foot rubs and full-body messages that lasted a good hour), "Mom, you really should talk to a doctor or therapist about this stuff".

As often as she went to a variety of doctors, with a list of complaints, she never saw the specialist she most needed:  a really good relationship therapist.  [Why should she?  She had me.]

While I have always believed in the mind-body connection, I recently read something that mentions specific physical manifestations associated with guilt, sex and pregnancy.  It's quite interesting, especially if you are the child adopted by a couple/individual with all sorts of hidden sexual secrets, and feelings of guilt.

A 26-year-old patient with intractable pain from local recurrence of a naso-pharyngeal cancer during her third pregnancy told me, in conscious-level conversation, how much she wanted to live for her husband and child.  A few minutes later, in a deep trance, she demonstrated great agitation and unwillingness to consider the possibility of recovery.  With the help of ideo-motor questioning, she was able to verbalize thoughts that had never occurred to her at a conscious level.  She had had intercourse with her husband before marriage, which she had been able to rationalize until she miscarried a much wanted pregnancy.

When she developed lumps in her neck in the sixth month of her second pregnancy, she "knew" that God was punishing her for her sin.  She refused diagnostic biopsy and surgery until six months following delivery.  The reason she had given her consultants for this delay was that she did not want to risk harm to her unborn baby by undergoing surgery.  Her fingers indicated another reason.  She felt that, if it were God's will to take one baby and to strike her with a malignancy during her second pregnancy, He probably wanted her to die.   [From:  Unconscious Guilt as Impediment to Recovery ]

In Adoptionland, it seems God is the perfect excuse for all that can't be easily explained to people who desperately want what others have, and perhaps harbor a sense of envy and jealousy.  Good God delivers babies, (often to the wrong people, at first).  Thankfully, He corrects this 'intended mistake', by planting the seed of adoption in the minds of those who wish to serve and be called to correct certain 'wrongs'.  But there's also Scary God.  He punishes and deprives (preventing a much wanted pregnancy or taking a loved baby away).  Again, these 'intended mistakes' are the life-changing catalyst that inspire the faithful to learn more about adoption, and the many ways a person can earn gold stars that can be later redeemed as a one-way ticket to heaven .   The scary part is, the financial gains made by successful adoption advocates and placement agencies are interpreted as signs that prove God grants His approval;  the money and associated power generated by select people [Holts, for example] are seen as the well-deserved rewards for playing God on earth.  While bible-thumpers may proclaim God's blessing, "Be fruitful, and multiply", means the ideal Christian ought to adopt as many children as possible, I'd hate to think He meant, "do whatever it takes to make profit-making child-trade a huge, unmonitored, unregulated success."  Such cruelty and deception seems so ungodly to me, especially when one sees how sick and abusive some religious charity workers and Aparents can be.

Meanwhile, no one ever asks the question:  just how healthy and normal is the person who will do anything, for YEARS, to have a baby?  Why do these crazed people need a baby so much?  And why is it once the perfect ideal (morally sound and financially stable) parent  no longer has a cute, compliant baby to hold, the ideal parent isn't able to cope, and develops all sorts of odd ailments and medical conditions?

People with zero sense of self

Meanwhile, no one ever asks the question:  just how healthy and normal is the person who will do anything, for YEARS, to have a baby?  Why do these crazed people need a baby so much?

A lot of people appear to me to be bent on eradicating their own, already flimsy sense of self via social conformity. The main expectation of being a so-called grownup is reproduction; if one does not or one cannot but wishes to, the result is the same. Lack of children simply signifies one is not an adult. They behave this way, imo, because they've been told they must.  If they aren't seen by others pushing around a stupid baby stroller complete with object in it, then it's a manifestation of what they know to probably be true: there is indeed something deeply wrong with them.

It's just not what they think it is.

You mention God, and the warped thinking about sin and punishment (and also redemption), at least in the US's dominant religion, especially around sex. Convoluted, nonsensical theologies like original sin which generate the "need" for salvation foreground this pathology, and needless to say the concept was formulated by a notorious sexual repressive, St. Augustine. Even the nice Christians are still plagued with these questions which imo boil down to an instilled sense of deep self-loathing, simply for having been born at all. They take it out on themselves and others in extremely destructive ways, yet believe themselves to be the most civilized people in the world.

Keep in-touch

I plan to write letters to both of them that they can read when they get older, but I don't know what to say, other than how wrong it is. I'm also thinking about getting them some soft fuzzy blankets to keep them warm. He has a quilt I made for him, but it's in storage, and I still need to finish her quilt. I don't have time to knit anything new, although I could do some quick scrapbooks. I just don't know how to let them go, or what to do with my life for the next 10 years, or if they'll be raised to think I didn't want them or that I'm a bad mommy and I would have hurt them.I just don't know how to let them go, or what to do with my life for the next 10 years, or if they'll be raised to think I didn't want them or that I'm a bad mommy and I would have hurt them.

Your children are old enough to remember you, so any effort you can make to keep in-touch and help dispell the biggest fear (mommy never wanted or loved me)  is a gift you can keep giving throughout the years.  But there's more to that simple generic suggestion, because even for a child, it's the details that matter.  Details, from you - about you - will matter, especially when they get older and start thinking about relationships with other people. 

With that....I would have given ANYTHING to know my first-mother still wanted bits and parts of me in her life.... I would have given anything for a letter or two written by her, telling me about her and her family, just for me to read....  I would have given the air I breathed,  just for a  few photos... photos of her with a few small written details, just so I could see I once belonged to someone else.... someone who once in a while dared to remember, and think about me... someone who dared to keep in-touch.  Of course, knowing how jealous and insecure my Amother was, even if my first-mother tried to reach-out to me, I truly believe any and all contact from her would have been intercepted and ended by either/both of my new owners.   So I do have to warn you, as one who knows what it's like being on the other-side of threatened jealousy, even if you send something for your children, that "message from mom" may not be well-received, especially if the new mother-figure is an insecure/jealous woman. 

Still, I can't think of many adult adoptees who would not have treasured at least one hand-written letter from a first-parent who really did love and care.  After all, how many really want to believe a parent (the one you love) can so easily walk away, and let-go...  how many want the one they love, to lose all touch ?

That's what I'm worried

That's what I'm worried about, that if their aunt gets them, her decisions will be all about what makes HER feel best, that their feelings will not even be taken into account.

Doing without, doing to please, and future well-being

In my own case, I was adopted by complete strangers who lived in another country, so don't think warped family dynamics don't exist in so-called well-screened adoptive homes, "found" by those employed by an adoption agency.

In order for my owners/keepers to be happy, I had to learn how to do without... like do without any real knowledge of my origins/first family.  I not only had to do without, but I had to act as if doing without didn't bother me.   Think how this translates, later in life... do without... do not have/do not keep the things that will really make you happy, and instead, do the things that will please the ones who clothe and feed.... maybe if you're good enough, they will treat you kindly and not make you wish you were dead... maybe then you won't notice you are living without true inner peace, confidence, OR happiness.

I learned how doing to please puts a new burden on me.  If I wanted others to be happy with me, I'd have to sacrifice yet another part of me.... that part that held secret dreams that really mattered to me, (mattered to me, but no one else). 

As a child, I believed others deserved to be happy... and that happiness did not belong to me.  I watched the actions of the adults surrounding me, and that was the repeating living example given to me:    adult desires come first, no matter what child gets hurt.   I grew to become an adult (with the emotional maturity of a very scared child)... very afraid to voice what it is I really want or need (what would make me happy) because if I did, I would be ignored and/or punished.  I grew to become an adult who feels like a shell of a human being... a working machine, with a passionate essence few want to see.

This is why so many adult adoptees don't think adoption is a selfless act.... we know just how selfish and misguided many many AP's can be.

We had owners who could only think about their wants, their needs, their feelings, their very limited level of tolerance/acceptance and their position in society.... all at the cost of a child's sense of self and future emotional well-being.

Oh, if only those working for adoption agencies could see adoption through the life of the controlled adoptee.... maybe then, some of these very difficult confessions would be taken far more seriously.

I can't help wondering who

I can't help wondering who kids in plain old disfunctional bio families can blame?

Plain and simple...

As one who lived in a grossly dysfunctional adoptive home, I would like to apply what I learned to those in dysfunctional bio-homes... maybe it will help.

Kids in plain old dysfunctional bio families can blame family dysfunction on those who refuse to get help and break the cycle.  Ideally, the sane individual will recognize there is a problem in the home and that individual will get help from other sane people, or a professional.  If part of recovery means the sane person must break away from the dysfunctional people, so be it.

The sane individual understands the cycle of madness needs to be broken before having children... but most of us know, an unplanned pregnancy has a way of changing plans. 

Here's the added kicker for the adoptee in a dyfunctional Ahome/family:  One can never have an unplanned adoption.

Not comparable

Comparison between biological families and foster/adoptive families can not really be made. Both foster care placements and adoptive placements are legal decisions based upon presumably careful consideration by a judge, based upon advice from licensed social workers.

Blame for abuse in foster/adoptive families lies first and foremost with the abusive parents, but very much with the placement authorities too, who have in many cases not done their work properly.

Adoptive and foster care placemements are made with the assumption that the best interest of a child is better served with that placement. If abuse takes place in a foster/adoptive family, none of that assumption has come true.

A few words about dysfunctional APs

In a private email discussion with an AP, I was sharing what a dysfunctional Amom looks like....because she was very curious.

I explained, on the outside, she is wonderful.  Down to earth, very agreeable, very helpful; she is the ideal.... the type of mom every kid wants.

Inside the Ahome she's needy and not satisfied unless she gets the attention she craves. [This can lead to many bouts with severe depression and hysterical acting-out.]  All that she does must be perfect, and as such, she must receive the praise and adulations that go with perfectionism.

These women -- and it IS mostly women -- are very shallow needy people, themselves. They crave attention and need to be seen as above and beyond good and kind. They are not your average saviors... they are better, by the N'th degree. I will go as far as suggest most came from alcoholic households, or at the very least, they had violent/unstable abusive parents, themselves.

Based on my own experience, and what has been shared with me by literally hundreds of adult adoptees, there seems to be two stages that go with dysfunctional Amom-ism.  The second stage has to do with the need for more. This comes immediately after the period of fresh adoption and new-mothering has expired.

once the novelty (and the positive/encouraging attention from others) has worn-off, these women need a new focus...one that brings the spotlight and drama back to them.

The story remains somewhat the same.... the mother will lose interest in the child, and become totally immersed in another 'project'.... one that has to involve a victim of some sort.

In some cases the victim of desire is another child.... a poor child, one who has been overlooked/abused.  This can easily lead to addiction to adoption.  In other cases, the Amother will suddenly want to seek contact with the birth-mother.  [This is becoming more popular in ICA, as seen on adoption forums].  As one can imagine, the dramatic story-telling can be a REAL high for these woman with young confused children.

In these cases (where it's the new target is the other mother) the Amoms will see the Bmoms as inferiors, not equals... and that's key. The seeker-for-attention must never be involved in a project where she is just an average person who can be confused with another. She must NEVER just blend-in, with the others. She must ALWAYS be superior.... especially in the eye of strangers/outsiders.

This puts plain old family dysfunction on a whole new level.

And much of this could be limited or prevented, if only more care and attention was going into the lives of PAPs... before a "permanent" placement has been made.

Garbage in...Garbage Out....

It begins with the worker, the family and the truth. Somewhere in all that lies the basis upon which a family is formed with a new adoptee. My Mother lied about her age on my birth certificate. She lied about really wanting a daughter. When I once asked her why she adopted me, she told me that they wanted a sister for my brother. Trust me my brother never saw me as a sister and tried to treat me like a sexual play toy at age 10 and he was 13. If someone had a crystal ball...they would have never agree on this placement of me.

'Wondering what happened w/your case' & 'Crisis in Family Court'

eomaia: I'm wondering what happened with your case. I'm assuming you're in the U.S. and wondering what state, also.

I very recently (earlier April, 2010) saw an episode of Dr. Phil which I think was called 'Crisis in Family Court.' (I took notes during the show which I don't have in front of me right now.) Dr. Phil is very disturbed - and rightly so - with problems with our family court system. As I remember, he actually said on the show that lawyers are advising their family-court clients not to tell the judge about domestic violence that has been perpetrated on them! They tell their clients the judge won't like to hear about that! They say the judge won't believe you and will think you're just saying that because it happens to be a custody/family-court case. The whole thing is outrageous.

Dr. Phil highlighted a few especially egregious examples of injustice, incompetence, and neglect by judges/court-systems. In one case, a mother tried to get a protective order - at least have her husband's child-visitation supervised - and was denied although she said her husband (or ex-husband) threatened to kill their baby. The judge just said he thought she was lying - but gave no reason he thought that. She went back and was denied again. She tried to get an order again, this time with proof of his threats - I think it was a suicidal murder threat in actual email from him. She was only given 5 minutes before the judge to make her case - to make a case that a child's life would depend on! The judge made her turn the baby over to the father for an unsupervised visit. During that visit the baby's father killed the child and himself. Dr. Phil  has vowed to stay with the issue and to continue to return to it with his show until changes are made. He has publicized the face and name of that judge along with the city, and state.

eomaia: I personally do happen to believe in the power of prayer and I will pray for your children and your situation. I didn't see an update on your case, though, and I hope you are okay. I don't mean to mention something negative by mentioning the example of the Dr. Phil show case: in your case, unlike with the Dr. Phil show cases, it seems at least the worst case scenario of your sister-in-law raising the kids would have the kids with someone who at least loves and wants them. But if things are the way you explained, I certainly am pulling for you and your choice for your kids. Domestic abusers saying their victim in 'crazy' is classic. It's one of the things that many abusers say.

never give up!

Hi sweetie,

OMG.. I really feel for you :(

Im fighting for my son back & its been 5 months now, i hardly sleep, sometimes i cant eat & i cry all the time  & sometimes i feel very angry that they can do this! :(  but i will never give up fighting!

I wish you all the luck in the world with your appeal & whatever happens they can never take the fact that your their mother away from you & them!

if the worst does happen then, its def a good idea to give them something to cuddle up to & a meaningful song & a letter! till you can all be reunited again!

I dont know your whole situation, but i do know that what they are doing is very wrong!

They are child stealers & should not get away with it!

Dont give up without a dam good fight!

sending you love & light

Warrior mum xxx

 

 

 

Update

It's been 10 months.
 
2 months after TPR, I started going to church, because my anger and hatred was consuming me. Somehow, I was lucky enough to find- on the very first try- a church that I felt at home at, that reflected my beliefs, and where no one judged me for being a bioparent.  Oh, and a number of people there work in CPS-related jobs. Since then I've become a member, gotten baptized, and right now I'm busy with decorations for a fundraising dinner, but after that I'm going to start a charitable knitting ministry. (Also, there's this really cute guy there, which is not why I'm going there, but since I think a lot of the real reason for the TPR was the assumption that mothers who have a hard time getting out of an abusive relationship are codependent and will immediately find another scumbag to get into a relationship with, I think it is significant that the only man I'm really interested in has worked with kids in the system, has a position of responsibility at church including involvement with the youth program, and has a good job, he knows what happened with my kids, and while he's currently saying he's not interested in a relationship, there's been enough mixed-messages that I don't quite believe him.) Anyhow, so church stuff is going good, I'm working on my issues, and I feel like I'm at a healthy place.
 
Between things different people have told me, I know my kids stayed with that set of foster parents for 8 months post-TPR, then were moved to their paternal grandmother's home, where their aunt (the PAM) was caring for them, at least for a short time. After a week, she was posting on facebook that the kids were driving her crazy, and she was asking for advice about autistic kids (but not so desperate to call me!) My father called the paternal grandmother on Christmas to ask how the kids were. They responded with threats and insults. The grandmother had said I could send my son a birthday present, so I did, and I got a call from the Salvation Army telling me they'd gotten an unopened card with a check in it- she'd donated his present to the Salvation Army without letting him see it!
 
I wrote to Senator Grassley because he's working on ASFA reform. He responded a couple months later, asking for more info and giving me a privacy release to sign. I sent it in the mail last Monday, yesterday I got a letter informing me that he's looking into it, and to keep in touch with Gary in the local office. 
 
What keeps tearing me up is that the ex-in-laws are making this be as much as possible for my kids like I DIED. Who would want to put small children through losing their mother? How could anyone think that doesn't hurt them?
 
It's not like I'm crazy, lazy, stupid or on drugs. My life is pretty much work, church and friends who have kids. I keep getting the feeling that I should be ready for my kids to come back to me in about 5 years, when my son turns 13. (And yes, factoring that into any possible relationship with a man.)  I did call my ex-MIL to let her know I'd mailed Senator Grassley and gave him her number- she hung up on me.

Future reunion

I really love the sort of story that shows the positive progress a parent is making, because of the efforts and choices that parent made. Yes, as adults, we know in these sort of situations, there will always be glitches and set-backs that make circumstances more difficult, but for someone like me, I think it's so awesome to see the parenting example that proves a mom (or dad) is willing to work, and TRY, over and over again, because that parent truly likes and loves her(his) children.

It's great stuff, so thanks so much for the fantastic update.

On a more somber-note, your particular case reminds me of the sort of nightmare a lot of parents in bad marriages/relationships think and worry about...  the relationship between birth-parent and child breaks for reasons that go far beyond a parent's control, and the newly estranged parent gets depicted as mentally ill, abusive or simply 'no good' (or dead) by those caring for the child with a missing parent. 

It can be such a nightmare, for so many.

I'm not sure if this helps... but after having many very intense discussions with other adult adoptees, I have found those who 'went back' to start and work on a lost first parent-child relationship, many got really upset and disturbed by the same things -- the new-found parent seemed irrational and unstable (out of control crazies) or the parent rejected a 'second-chance' with that child, because "it's too difficult and complicated".  

The way I see it, the last thing a child hurt by profound family dysfunction wants or needs is another unstable, stress-producing relationship... especially with a parent-figure determined to maintain a certain reputation.

The weird thing is... I think in many ways, no matter how mature, happy, and well-adjusted an adult adopted person may seem or appear, that adoptee is in fact, a very young needy child who wants (or needs) a safe, loving relationship with a lost mom or dad.

In any case, whether you and your children get together within the next few years, or many many years from now, I truly wish and hope you ALL, have the best reunion-experience possible, and have the strength to put the actions of others well behind you.  Please keep us updated!

CPS IS CORRUPT AND OUR GOVERNMENT IGNORS THEIR UNJUST

No matter what the cause was for CPS to take your children from you my prayers go out to you. Recently my daughter was taken by CPS after false allegations of drug abuse on my part. BS!!!!! I am a nurse of 17 years with "NO" history or record at all!!!!! (DID I MENTION I USED SYNTHETIC URINE FOR THE DRUG TEST BECAUSE I REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS TOO ODD THAT I WOULD EVEN BE ACCUSED TO BEGIN WITH) I begged for a blood test to prove my innocence and the social workers refused and then threw in other allegations like "physical abuse". YEAH RIGHT! My daughter is my princess and never even had been spanked her whole life. My husband had history of drug use and had gone to numerous rehabs over the years, at the time this happened we were separated because I was sick and done with his struggle and we were going to get divorced. But they didn't frame him and his test was negative!!! WTF???? Anyway because of our loss and pain we thought it would be better to get back together because I also found out i was pregnant. He is clean and I am due next month and we hired a private investigator and attorney. We need to fight this CORRUPT AND DISGUSTING agency that our government should regulate more efficiently. WHAT HAPPENED TO "HOME OF THE FREE, AND CIVIL RIGHTS?" My dog has more rights than I do!!!!!

social services and future parent education

Any case that involves false allegations is a worrisome situation.  My sympathies go out to any parent who must endure allegations of wrong doing when no wrong-doing is being done.  Such situations defy words.

My thoughts right now are on the way in which questionable practice works within social family services. 

Over the years I have received many complaints about CPS/DYFS and the way they do things.  The general sense I get from struggling confused parents is, CPS sucks.  What does this mean exactly?  It means the goal is not to help the child and re-educate the parents; the goal is to get the child out and away from the parents... away, on a permanent basis (through adoption).    Meanwhile, in adoption cases, the goal to "assist" is quite different.  Rather than remove with the intention to never return again, those in abusive adoptive homes are removed, but expected to return when the parents pass a given probation period.

In fact, I'm actually quite surprised to see how dedicated CPS can be to the reunification process if the abusive/torturing parents are adopters.

While I understand there are far too many dead-beat addicts out there who do not want kids to weigh them down, I do believe abusive/negligent parenting may have a traditional element to it..   In many cases, bad parenting is a learned way - a tradition, if you will.  This pattern of behavior is based upon principles taught by parents and grandparents, and in many of our abuse cases, we see how people left to be free to raze their kids will do so, with a determined (loving?) passion, with or without the aid of prescription drugs or alcohol in their systems.

So, when we discuss parental rights and foster care, we find there are two distinct camps.  We have those who want less government agency intervention, and those who want more.   I'm inclined to believe more government regulation and intervention is needed in foster/adoptive situations.  After all, it's bad enough to be taken away from all that is familiar, how fair is it to be put in a home where the parents use pepper sauce or dog cages to "discipline" a child's wrong-doing?

It isn't.

The failures in social services are huge, and to make matters worse, the system we trust to help educate people in how to parent properly and keep children from harm can't even monitor itself or keep the kids they put into "better" care safe and off drugs and away from abuse!

It's a mess... a horrific mess, and all it takes is one accusation of wrong doing, or abuse..... I've seen what this system can do. 

<shaking head>

Kinda makes you wonder why more education isn't taking place at the high-school level, when hormones are raging and parents from various school districts are debating whether or not sex ed should be taught by the parents, or the trained professionals who may know a thing or two about the risks and rates of child abuse.

America throws away children for profit; my story.

The extent to which the abuse occurs is further reaching than you even know! As a child entering Kindergarten, growing up with Crack Head Dad and Drama Queen mom with a few instances of domestic violence, I had a few behavioral issues. In the 90's they began making school evaluations by teachers equatable to a certified mental health evaluation and the school told my mom to medicate me or be reported for abuse! She took me to a psychologist and then they put me in a residential facility where two grown men restrained me for crying at night because I missed my mom. They then took my teddybear and locked me in a padded room for the rest of the night. No blankets or pillows... The egregious over-medicating, lead to near kidney failure (as I have an underlying congenital defect) and I had surgery at the age of 8 to repair my bladder and kidney functions! Everytime we went somewhere new because of our HMO forcing us to switch providers, I was diagnosed something new. I was ADHD, then Bipolar, then I had ODD, another said I had BPD, which lead another to diagnose me PTSD, and yet another thought that my "interactive vs overactive" imagination was schizophrenia. At the age of 12 I was on (and brace yourself for this as I was barely 80lbs at 12 and was born with one kidney that has a defect); Adderall XR, Lithium, Seroquel, Depakote (generic Lithium why prescribe the same meds 2xs over?), two SSRIs one was Zoloft I forget the other, Ritalin (another stimulant why?), and clonodine, not to mention the slew of migraine medications like Midrin and long-range antibiotics to prevent kidney problems! I was a MESS and didn't sleep for 13 days (Yes not exaggerated 13 days!). I tried to kill my mom because of the disillusion and was taken away as a troubled youth into foster care.

I was angry with my mom at the time because I had been telling her about the medications and the facilities for a while and I couldn't get anything through to anyone because, after all, I was crazy. My caseworker in our intake meeting typed up a few papers that I was to sign about how I would "get myself on the right track towards reunification with my family" and had me read over them. She had placed in the paperwork that my mom was an abusive alcoholic and that she would have to complete a treatment program to regain parental guardianship. And when I questioned her about it she just said that someone had reported my mom had been in AA. I was free to sign the paperwork I was holding to show I was aware of what was going on and fill out another form explaining why I believed I was there.

I didn't get to go into the courtroom and had to stay outside with my GAL as they introduced my "alcoholic mother" to the judge. I never got an appeal nor did she and they never even gave her instructions on the first steps towards this "alcohol treatment program" she was supposed to be doing. Within 6 months I was a permanent ward of the state for the next 6 years.

And FosterHell comes in with my first foster home placement where the woman would stand me in the mirror if I cried and have me repeat "I'm pathetic" 100xs, have us stand holding our ankles with our knees locked for 5 hours at a time, when my younger foster sister and I started having incontinence issues because of the anxiety she had us wash the underwear in Hot bleach water until our fingers bled. Sometimes she would put salt in the by handing us crumpled potato chips. She had a label for everything! Our cereal was labled by day and if you ate the wrong one God help you! We had our clothes picked out, shower times, what soaps we were to use, our clothes washing schedule, and our playtime schedules. As well as Saturday slave-labor day. Mowing her country yard, picking weeds in an enormous garden, redoing her garden fountain by laying stones around it, and when her son was building his house we had to help remove the lumber and finish the drywall/insulation. And those were just add-ons to the weekly hell of detailing her house from top to bottom in our assigned rooms. We didn't go into the other's rooms. We didn't talk on the schoolbus, we got up for school on time in an orderly fashion and quietly so she didn't wake up and if we didn't wake up or woke her up, she would deprive us of sleep for 2-3 days. I didn't do my chores one week when I was sick with strep and she made me lay in my bed on my back the entire day! And that's no going to the bathroom, if your feet hit the floor it meant hell, you didn't eat, you didn't dare fall asleep or start playing with anything! Stare at the ceiling and don't move. We were all ugly. Too fat, too thin, bad breathe, BO, ostrich neck, or bulimic according to her and when you fought with another foster sister it was time to go out in public hugging each other or she would have us fist fight. When someone ran away there was a protocol of don't say anything under threat of bodily harm that she would make look like a suicide attempt on our part. THIS IS THERAPEUTICAL FOSTER CARE EVERYONE!!!!
And when I finally did get out of her place and mustered up the ol' chuspad to run away during an episode of abuse, with no coat, no shoes, in mid december, through plowed and frozen corn fields for miles upon miles and my feet bleeding! They put me in residential treatment facility for 9 months of reprogramming and the reasoning? LMAO I slit my wrists. I've seen the kids in those facilities who have slit their wrists and let me tell you it leaves scarring! Bad permanent scarring and especially if it just happened. Upon hearing this I pulled up both my sleeves and laid my wrists flat on the clinician's desk flipping them over to show the palm-side up and down, Nothing! And they held me there for 9 months because I refused to take their medications.
When I aged out I went to court and signed that I didn't want housing, or help with college, or another damned thing from them or to do with them until the day we meet in Hell.
I have 3 kids now and I've been trying to flee the country in fear that they'll try to find me and take my kids from me. I am paralyzed by panic attacks, nightmares, and flashbacks of horrendous abuse (including sexual) that the entire system turned a blind eye to.

America throws away children. Anything for a profit.

So sorry for the horrid abuse you suffered

You are a strong amazing person to have survived what you did. my stomach is sick knowing these things are constantly happening and PEOPLE IN CHARGE are merely working for a paycheck and let these things continue. It is completely absurd and horrible that you were left in such a horrid situation.

I will pray that God shows you how beautiful you are and were made to be, having survived all you did it seems as though nothing would be impossible for you to accomplish. :) WOW you could run a huge home for children runaways as you were.

Wouldn't it be great to slap your a users in the face by accomplishing what they never could. SHOWING LOVE AND COMPASSION TO CHILDREN IN NEED.

It is wonderful you have children. I am not able to have children because of an illness I went through and am still recovering. I was looking into adoption and surrogacy. Then I came across this site. It is outrageous and disgusting that people take advantage of an innocent what could be a loving family situation for both parents and children, and use it for personal gain and to satisfy their disgusting sin and lust.

Believe me. GOD gave us free will but HE IS DISGUSTED BY THESE CRIMINALS AND THEY WILL NEVER LIVE IN PARADISE WITH GOD AND JESUS. THEY WILL BE IN HELL FOR ETERNITY....SUFFERING THE SAME TORTURE THEY GAVE TO INNOCENT, HELPLESS CHILDREN AND TEENS. Justice will be served. We live on this earth for 70-90 years if we're lucky.that isn't even a blink compared to eternity!

PLEASE I BEG OF YOU...love yourself and when you are looking at yourself in the mirror say things like "you are beautifully and wonderfully made by the God." "you are strong, courageous, a survivor, free to be an amazing mom, free to be a rescuer to those experiencing the same horrible situation."

The God who who created and owns the universe, He will bring justice to those who wrong us and bring blessings to those of us who have been used and abused by evil men." Believe in HIM and JESUS.

Unfortunately it can be confusing to wonder why God would allow such evil to exist. Well, the truth is...HE graciously gave us the gift of free will. He doesn't want to control us or make us do things like puppets. Therefore, when humans choose evil and abuse the innocent HE can not make them stop. Those a users have free will the same as us and they are choosing to inflict horrible pain on their victims. BUT, GOD WILL TOUCH THE HEARTS OF HIS FOLLOWERS AND SHOW THEM WHAT IS HAPPENING IN DREAMS, INTUITION, ETC. HE URGES US TO DO HIS WORK.

I ALWAYS PRAY FOR GOD TO LEAD ME AND USE ME TO HELP PEOPLE WHO ARE SUFFERING. WHEN I LISTEN I END UP MEETING OR SEEING SOMEONE AND RIGHT AWAY I GET AN URGE IN MY SPIRIT TO help OR take action in a variety of ways.

For instance somehow I ended up here on this site and I saw your note and my heart broke for you. I began to cry for what you have been through. I constantly pray for abuse victims and pray against the perpetrators who are causing so much damage because they CHOOSE TO BE EVIL.

THERE IS HOPE AND IF EACH OF US DO OUR PART AND MOTIVATE OURSELVES AND OTHERS TO JOIN THE FIGHT, WE WILL WIN.

EVENTUALLY GOOD WILL CONQUER EVIL!

I will keep you in my prayers as you continue to grow I to the amazing person God made you to be. I will pray you can love your children with a real pure love that is kind, patient,and never selfish. You care for your children with a good heart no one will ever take them away. It is good to share some of your life with them when they are old enough. Without too many specific details. They will have more respect and love for you that you survived and vowed to be different. :)

Keep being amazing! May God be with you and keep you in His loving protective arms!

As reported before about

As reported before about corrupted DSS workers such as Marci Spaulding of the Franklin County New York Social Services how she lies, misrepresents, keeps true facts out of case to hurt families possible in her attempt that she needs therapy because she can not find a man to love her and have kids herself, don't forget probation officers such as Jen King of Franklin County New York Probation department who also lies to court and tries to hurt families. Watch out for this probation officer!! DSS/CSP/PD protects themselves and they stand united together, but we, the victims can stand stronger. Don't give up and keep fighting-we will not be victimized by these people forever. They are not above the law, getting the public involved and calling them out puts pressure on those departments and the courts to fix this huge problem we face. Corrupted departments of DSS/CPS/PD, they are not above the law as long as we keep fighting to hold them accountable!! Comment on your caseworkers here, let us know who we need to watch out for. Marci Spaudling and Jen King of the Franklin County New York DSS/PD are 2 on top of the list here.

Parental Rights

My heart goes out to you! You see my parental rights were terminated in 2005 so I understand the broken heart you bare.
Your story does not surprise me as my girls were brought into the system with bogus calls to CPS. They would investigate - leave, then another call and they would investigate and leave, etc. etc. My daughters have separate fathers and my baby's paternal Grandmother is married to a high ranking law enforcement officer. So finally when he forwarded a letter on his letterhead, the court finally followed suit. Here it is, I am not a felon (which should make no difference), and I am a legal secretary gainfully employed so I wasn't on AFDC assistance, and when brought into the Dependency court, I was shell shocked...."It's a land all it's own!! After 4 years of battle, I was unable to get my 2 girls out of the Grandma and Cop's home and am approaching my 10th year of waiting for the oldest to look me up! Let me add that at the initial court appearance, I was made sit and fill out an application for Welfare!! I could not imagine what the point was in that but subsequently was informed that the state gets the Federal Assistance for Adopting my kids only if they were on public assistance at the time they became wards of the court. A termination of parental rights is the equivalent of the death penalty in Criminal court.

Hang in there, take care of yourself so that there is a solid Mother (physical, mental, spiritual) to return to!! It may not seem so right now, but your babies will come back to you. No law imposed by man can ever override that of God's!!!

Pound Pup Legacy