Breeding grounds

  I always wondered what my AP’s Home Fiction Study included.

 Did my mother include as her favorite hobby going into the local bars and dragging her drunken husband home? How did they answer when asked their reasons for wanting to adopt? Where they clear as to how a baby was supposed to “save” their marriage? That how an innocent little person was supposes to fix something 2 grown adults couldn’t even do?

I’m sure the social worker got a list of the right people to talk to concerning the fitness of them for parents. Since anybody in their town would know what to say as 95% of them were related to my AM! I’m sure they fed her all the same “happy wonderful” family “stories” I grew up with. Like how no one in this Strong Christian family ever failed at anything or did anything morally wrong. They could be sure she got nothing but glowing reports from the extended family about their own!

I bet the social worker was impressed with their immaculate home, everything in perfect order. I wonder if AM paid the maid extra that day? I wonder what kind of cookies she had in the oven to give the home that “homey” smell she made sure was there when company came calling. Did AD stay sober that day or did he sneak out to the garage and “take a shot or 2” to help him “relax”?

Did they include telling about all the “friendly family competition of one up’s” they enjoyed every Sunday and holiday season. And all the infighting and backstabbing games they would play behind each other’s backs the rest of the week? I wonder if Agrandfather gave her the same speech about the horrible Catholics and Jews he gave us over lunch on those day?

Did AP’s assure her that AM would quite her job and be a stay at home mom, at least until the adoption was finalized. I’m sure she didn’t tell her about the wonderful little “wet-back” Mexican girl she found to do all the “dirty work” for the baby. How the bathing, feeding, and entertaining of baby bored her so. How nasty runny noses and messy diapers made her gag. Or how 8 hours of sleep was something she couldn’t live without and a proper parent had the money to pay for others to handle the night time feedings and diapering needs.

Did they tell her how a child’s place was to devote their lives doing nothing except what makes their parents proud?

Was the social worker told by AP’s tell her a child’s job is to be the glue that repairs the family and to make everyone happy. Did they assure her they would inform the child that anyone who does things just because it makes them happy is a spoiled and selfish person?

Did AP’s tell the social worker that they would never let the child forget they were adopted and how grateful she should be for the chance to share all the beautiful things AP’s can give her? Did they tell the social work they would make sure the adoptee would hear daily that without their generous selfless act of adopting her she would be living in unimaginable poverty and shame?

Was the social worker impressed that they were responsible Lutherans who attend church every Sunday, and anyone who was not, conservative Lutherans just as well are devil worshipers and are hell bound? The same will be the fate of anyone of color or different ethnic background.

I have always wondered what my AP's included in their family _{^{fiction study.}}

"Touched By Adoption, With a Blowtorch "

The other day "Dad" mentioned how he too was a victim of normal family dynamics... the sort that encourages family alienation.

"As for favored parent status, that's alive, well, and kicking in families untouched by adoption.  Just ask any child from families broken by divorce, mental illness, domestic violence - or even simple mild dysfunction.  My parents, perfectly flawed as they were, played that little card a time or two in my childhood."

I don't see myself as a "victim" of normal family dynamics at all.  On the contrary, I consider myself quite lucky to have been born to and raised by my parents.  Unlike some who post here, I did not have to deal with physical and/or sexual abuse, mental illness, divorce, infidelity, or addictions that are too common in all families - or the identity issues that come with being adopted.

Well, my work-a-holic father may have been addicted to building his successful business, but I also benefitted from the educational and professional opportunities his "work addiction" brought my way.  His work addiction also afforded my family a stay-at-home mom while still maintaining a comfortable lifestyle.

I remember my father didn't attend hardly any of my extracurricular activities in high school and college.  I lettered in two sports and was involved in theater and student government in both high school and college.  It didn't really affect me in a negative way though.  I had plenty of friends and two younger brothers who kept me quite happily occupied.

I used the term "perfectly flawed" because that's the kind of parents they were.  Yes, they cared what the neighbors thought.  Yes, they made us go to church every week.  Yes, they were "respected" members of the community and were ashamed at some of my many youthful indiscretions.  Yes, they knew everyone in our small town.

And yes, they argued occasionally in front of us kids.  I remember my mom hitting my dad in the back of the head with a pack of sliced cheese one time.  But I wasn't scarred by it - it seems kinda funny to me now.

My wife, on the other hand, grew up and survived highly toxic family circumstances.  She suffered sexual abuse from an extended family member, in addition to the constant emotional abuse that comes with an untreated mentally ill father.  She was ten years old when her dad took his own life with a shotgun blast to his head, an event she witnessed from across the room.

So no, I lay no claim to victimhood, great or small.  I was one of the lucky ones.

Dad