Controlling our own boundaries
A silent plague of fear, dread, stress and abusive behavior is born from child-abuse, and I strongly believe it's very foolish to think these problems exist only in "First-Families"! Abuse is a family-tradition passed from generation to generation, infiltrating and infecting the life-stories of far too many to count. For the abused-adoptee this is a double-whammy, because those are family traditions that did not have to be passed to a child of pure innocence. No one has yet dared to count the numbers of adoptees abused by adoptive family members, and few have the heart or stomach to explore this issue as it needs to be explored and studied. Whether all adoptees have personality disorders or "control issues" (or not) remains to be seen, however, I believe those who have been used, abused and disregarded at the whim of another person's choosing, will feel that life is controlled by the wrong type of people, and certain guards and limits have to be set 'for protective purposes". The result? We true-blue pound pups become huge control-freaks with all sorts of weird boundaries that make no sense to Normal People. These "personal boundaries" are what certain mental health-care providers are calling "disorders" and "syndromes", and I can't help but think adoption services are missing the boat when it comes to improving the lives of parents and children.
What amazes me is the new-found focus so many are paying attention to, in regards to reactive attachment disorder, and the adopted child who has been abused. While many AP's seek treatment for RAD symptoms seen in their fostered/adopted child, how many of these parents see how RAD could be prevented, simply by not placing children in so many unsafe places - like orphanages, group homes, and less-than-adequate foster families? Is this to imply adoption is a form of child-abuse, because it forces emotional-detachment upon a child? Who knows. God knows no studies have been published to verify just how many adoptees have benefited from the adoption experience. God knows how many children are sold to those who fail to preserve and protect the safety needs of another woman's child. And God knows how long-term use of psychotropic medications and Attachment Therapies are going to affect the lives of children who have already been broken-down and removed.
In fact, in the daily-news of big baby-selling business, profits are up by HUGE margins, thanks to all the disorders therapists get to treat with a prescription pad. Are we in an era where adoption practice is greatly improved from the dastardly days of Closed Era profiteering? I'm afraid there no refuge from the sales-pitches given to unprepared parents by some agencies, just so more fresh new faces can be taken-in by the child-trading market. Yes-siree, there's top dollar being paid gladly by many, all wanting the same life-dream: a family complete with a newborn baby, (or at the very least, a small young child....). Contrary to Safe Haven propaganda, babies are not born into neglect, and abandoned freely (see Abandoned Babies); Many young, scared, insecure first-time mothers are birthing babies into orchestrated chaos and confusion fueled by adult-sized ignorance, fear and greed. The beloved Baby Stork has been replaced by vultures, so girls... watch your backs! [But hey, what do I know about the seven core issues adoptees must live with, and the burden of incest taboo issues adoption advocates don't like to make too media-friendly?] It's not like adoptive parents are known to hurt their adopted children, right? [See a small sample of "saved" children victims: http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/14973 ]
It concerns me that more money and effort goes towards agencies and laws that promote the religious removal of a child from his/her natural parent, when more supportive interest needs to be focused on the source of family decay. Before more babies are deemed "ready-to-trade", shouldn't all efforts be made to aid and educate those who never learned personal responsibility and accountability in the first place? Where is the vigilance against evil for the children placed in foster care because their homes were no longer safe and livable? Statistics that ARE available don't lie: abuse and neglect are huge issues growing at rampant speed as each child ages in a foster-care system that tends to stop caring once the files start to pile high. ("Clergy, parents... politicians... WHERE ARE YOU?!?")
How will the life-lessons taught in anger ever change, if no one TEACHES these victims of abuse it's ok to feel safe around strange people? There will never be a healthy home environment if the rotten damage of poor conditioning and dirty life-language is not cleansed away repeatedly and replaced with new options, safe alternatives and promising opportunities await the person who was once controlled and treated like a stupid animal. Feed the need most felt by the child who is hurting, and stop feeding-into the desires of adults who simply want a child, or the image of 'the perfect family".
Adults need to remember, children who have lost their parents and extended family are living a completely different life-experience than those who still live among their own lineage. Removing a child who was once abused by one group and putting that same child in a different but equally disturbing group of hidden problems and secret disorders is not helping the fear factor each wounded child feels all the time. Show a child ignorance, substance abuse and violence, that is what will be learned and mastered before he even reaches school-age. Then what? Follow the family-tradition? Do we seriously believe domestic violence, parental abandonment and illegal drug activity takes place only in the ghetto-hoods, and public schools?
How many Pound Pups relate to the phrase therapists use for displaced anger: Kick the Cat Syndrome? When it comes to ending the legacy of abuse, each victim has to deeply believe one simple truth: "enough is enough, this type of treatment and life-style can not go on, and I need help to make things right for myself". In a perfect world, these troublesome issues are dealt-with before a child is brought into a home.
We are a far cry from living in a perfect world, and the dark secrets behind adoption practices prove how far we have steered-away from the course of improved standards of family-living. What exactly are the natural benefits of adoption, anyway? Does ANYONE have proof that adoptive parents are the perfect solution to family problems?
Contrary to popular published opinion, there ARE better options for parents considering adoption. [Unfortunately, these options are not nearly as nicely funded or actively promoted as those services provided through the adoption industry, however, people must know, all that shimmers is not gold, and golden opportunities are often found when/where it's least expected.] Two samples I highly recommend to those new-mom's who are afraid of their future:
- Mother's Mission (http://mothersmission.org/vision.html) provides support and guidance to young and abandoned mothers throughout the United States in order to ensure that they have been given the best opportunity to receive the training necessary to enhance the quality of their roles as parents so that the generations to come are not led into crime or poverty but into freedom and security.
- Nurse-Family Partnership ( http://www.nursefamilypartnership.org/content/index.cfm?fuseaction=showContent&contentID=37&navID=37 ) improves the health, well-being and self-sufficiency of low-income, first-time parents and their children, through nurse home-visits.
As long as there is no guaranteed safety within child placement practices, (within orphanages, children's homes, and foster families), I don't see how adoption is the loving option for each child born to an unprepared and unsupported parent.
We must put limits and boundaries to the practice of child-trading, and we MUST find more ways to better educate those who have been abandoned and abused. After all, how authority treats its children is how authority is going to be seen and treated. There is a price to pay for "quick, easy-fixes", and I don't think that many people have invested too much thought into the cost of poor child-placement. In addition to increased prison populations, the US also has an increased edlerly population. When you look at the whole scope of family-care, can our government afford to support "unwanted adults" as much as they can afford to fail "unwanted children"? [See how India is facing their "adult placement" problem.... read Abandoned by their own, the law will not help them.] Yep, payback can be a royal bitch, can't it?
Last but not least, please take the time to consider this little twist in fate/faith -- many adoption advocates profit grossly from the sales-pitch they use claiming adopting an unwanted baby is a Christian/Charitable act and deed. Imagine, what would have happened to the unmarried pregnant girl, named Mary, had she let lawyers, fathers and high-clergy convince her that she was neither fit nor worthy to parent her soon-to-be-named son, Jesus? Would God have been pleased?