What is an R.A.D. Rage like?

(This is an extremely graphic post)  Please read with caution

 
What a rage is like.**Graphic post, read with discretion**

People have told me the people I hurt, the animals I killed and the general rampant destruction was a choice.
I can tell you right now, from a R.A.D. perspective, there is no choosing involved. When a rage begins, the loss
of control is a complex and the victim of a rage collapses into a darkness that I can only describe as one thing.
The abandonment of self.

The total lack of physical and mental control. It's a dark corner of your mind and your body that you literally have no
control over. The only thing that you feel in a rage is a searing, white hot anger that has come from no where but
you know it's been there the entire time, ready to bubble up again.

The only thing you want to do in an R.A.D. rage is kill and destroy. There is no choice, and nothing else matters. It's
a deep and very profound experience that grips your mind and your body and that very lack of control makes it almost
impossible to understand to the laymen or a parent who's house has just been burned down by an angry child.

The rages continued for me until something was dead, something was burned down or I was emotionally and or physically
exhausted. There was no stopping me and anyone that did try to stop me would end up dead or in the hospital at the very least.
Rages differ from anger fits in that you can control and regulate your responses to outside or internal stimuli. With rages you
cannot regulate that, and there is no magical switch. At least there wasn't one for me.

One particular incident that stands out with me, when I heard the neck snap of an animal that I threw against a wall,
the anger only got worse. Not because I just killed again, but because I couldn't control what was happening. I couldn't
stop my own hands from destroying whatever I saw.

In a rage, I could feel, I could understand and I could see what I was doing, but there was no way to regulate my actions.
The anger came over me like a tidal wave and I was drowning in anger. When I would have rages I would stop thinking,
my survival mechanics stopped.

The entire world stood still. It was only me and the anger, with no where to go. I was trapped in a hellish room and there
was no door. I simply had to ride through the anger.

For those that don't understand, let's put a perspective to the actual event.
We all watch movies. We go to the theatre. We see a scary movie. We can see whats happening, we can hear and
emotionalize, but we are out of control. We are along for the ride. That's exactly what a rage is like.

What is important (And I am not a professional) is finding the triggers that cause those rages. When I was a child, any
time I perceived a loss the rages would instantly begin. When my sister left for Greece, I killed her cat. When I lost a
girlfriend (Huge issue) I literally ripped my parents house apart from the ceilings to the carpet. Literally. Everything in
the house was destroyed. Glasses broken, shelves tipped over, animals dead something burning.

Once the anger passed, I was usually clutching a dead animal or watching something burn. As soon as the rage passed,
just like a tornado was in shock as I witnessed the destruction that I myself caused. This of course, only made it worse.
I remember being 12 years old and crying myself to sleep, shocked that another animal was dead. I knew in my rages
that animal was going to do but I didn't want to kill it. I wanted to die and I couldn't. I was in hell.

As much as i LOVED the violence, I detested it. I clung to it as a way to expression my emotion. Those of us that understand
the expression of violence and why it plays such a huge role in a rage. We are fascinated with gore, with death and blood.
It is no wonder that this fascination floods over when we rage. It's our best mechanic. It's a love/hate relationship. I can promise
all R.A.D. parents these rages aren't ABOUT YOU. It's simply survival mechanic that unfortunately results in terrible loss of life,
property and the abandonment of self.

I write this not to shock, and not to offend but educate. I am sharing this part of my life with the R.A.D. community so they may
have a better look inside a rage and how they came to be with me. Perhaps, if we look deeper into the triggers of rage and the
perceived/actualized loss model there will be less lives ruined by a R.A.D. rage.

Michael
http://www.rad-online.org

 
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and once again

some of my uncles were just as mean to animals....

sexual abuse and the resulting PTSD can cause all of your behaviors.... I have even heard more than a few Dr. say it can't be a dx for someone who is an adult as it is a young child dx....

but who am I anyway...

I hope you get the help you need what ever you call it...

you may want to check out horse assisted therapy....

Whatever I call it?

Dear Anon,

  Thanks for replying to my blog post. This happened years ago!  In any event, R.A.D. rages are EXTREMELY dangerous.
I think it's really important to understand that R.A.D. rages can be so extreme and intensify in a moment's notice.

  Michael
  http://www.rad-online.org

" The very survival mechanics RAD Adult's use to survive slowly kill them" M.S.

Off topic

Hi Mike,

We appreciate your contributions to this site, but could you please tone it down a bit on plugging your own website. We understand you have a drive to do something with your experiences and want to see people read your words, but that doesn't mean every post needs to contain a link to your website.

Going Black

I remember the look in a certain-person's eyes when he would come towards me... it was rage.  It was not anger, it was not frustration... it was pure Black Rage.

I could see he saw nothing... heard nothing... knew nothing but the desire to destroy.  It just so happens the lucky adoptee got to be the silent chosen target.

He got his way, (his eyes would change into this demented sort of glee), and when he was done, the look in his eyes changed once more.  It went from rage, demented glee, to complete disgust. 

Nothing made him happy, (unless I was getting hurt.)

I remember the looks.  I remember them well.

I also remember how I felt.  Or didn't feel.  [Detachment is really great when removal is what you need.]

I remember "torturing" our family pet when I was little.   I would dress the dog up in doll clothes.... and I'd pretend to drop him, so he would "grap" my hands with his "arms".  I used to put him in the dryer, and shut the door.  I used to love to see the look in those eyes, (panic... yes, I saw panic), once I saw that look, I would stop and then reward the dog's bravery with a hug. 

My Aparents used to think it was cute how I played baby-doll with our dog.

I'd like to believe my Aparents had no clue what was being done to ME, behind closed doors.

There's a very dark side to me... and I warn people. [I've been told I can get very scary].  When I have this discussion with those I care about, they can see it in my eyes.  [I laugh because normally people think I'm joking all the time... but when I get on this topic, they know I should be taken seriously.]  I tell them about this dark-side of me so they can be warned and prepared.  I tell them because it tells ME I know I'm aware, and I can be in control of certain things. ["I can give warning to the unsuspecting creature"]

I tell people this part of me so they know not to go too far when testing me.  Testing me can get very mean and ugly when I let myself go Black.  [After all, I learned from some very good masters.]

MIke why it matters

because the very dx of RAD has been used to hurt so many children and families....

I am happy to hear you got the help you needed....

It was also nice to hear you had adoptive parents who gave a care about you enough to come pick you up when you were being perped on....

until now...

I've never admitted this to a single soul.  But in hearing the extreme level a rage can go to; and knowing first hand about my own rages in the past... well, it's time to put it into words.
When I was very little I was MEAN to our pets (I love pets!).  I would step on them and kick them.  My young rages included screaming and screaming in terror and anger: terror of other people and what more they could do to me, besides the abuse I had suffered already; and the intense anger that NO ONE ever comforted me.  If there was no comfort, no one who would just COME and see what the matter was, then my anger would build into a rage.  And in the rage, nothing could comfort me.  Does this make sense to anyone?
My rages changed to secretly hurting people...  from the screaming outward rage of a small child, to the secret, hidden plans to hurt those who had what I wanted: love and acceptance.  I KNOW the blackness in the eyes.  I have been told of my blackness in the eyes; the "look" that scares some people while others just wait it out...  Because of my children, I was held back from truly physically hurting anyone.  Because of their love for me I was able to draw a line as an adult in the past 21 years. 
I saw the blackness in my own son's eyes (the son that is gone).  But he didn't let me see it like his sister saw it.  She was scared shit-less of him and did whatever he wanted her to do, even endure the intense pain he loved to inflict on her.  And so she learned to be submissive; and that's how she so freely endured her father's addictions for 12 or so years, until she made it stop!  And in that time, she covered for that brother and her dad.  This is how numb incest can make you.
I HATED my mom and dad for years!  But yet, I did everything a child could think of to make them love me.  I thought.  All I was doing was: reach out; get rejected; go into a blind rage and make them all the more unwilling to love me.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?
I like how you stated this:  "Testing me can get very mean and ugly when I let myself go Black..."
We DO have some control over this and it is what has kept most of us here alive.  Having had such good teachers?  I would like to know who my teachers were/are...  I don't have that recollection like you do.  The blackness of rage (for me) sprouted out of my losses and is the only thing I know and still feel.  Does it have to be taught?  Can it just evolve from infant rejection?  I think mine did.

What did I ever do to deserve this... Teddy

Pound Pup Legacy