10 years and 2 children

Ok everyone who's adopted knows all the fun stuff that we carry with us, not one day goes by that Im not reminded of these things by my wife.The way it feels to me is that every little complaint,nag,gripe just drives me further away.Im tired of giving myself the freedom to "check out" when I want my family deserves more of me,its just so much easier and more convenient to do what I want when I want to do it.I keep asking myself  is it really worth giving up 10 years and two children to be "comfortable" and not have to deal with any of my crap.I have been an alcoholic since I was a teen,but have not drank for two years,tried just about every drug known to man and had been a drug addict for a long time,sex addict and the list goes on.When does the cycle end? does life get any better? is anything ever going to be good enough for me? I keep telling myself if my sexual relationship were better with my wife that my life would be a ok,is this a lie that Ive bought into? so many questions so little time!

0

Almost 17 and 4

September will mark 17 years of a chosen and agreed upon marriage experiment.  Four children are involved. 

When does the cycle end? does life get any better? is anything ever going to be good enough for me? I keep telling myself if my sexual relationship were better with my wife that my life would be a ok,is this a lie that Ive bought into? so many questions so little time!

I can only answer for myself.  The cycle doesn't necessarily end as much as new patterns begin to develop and grow.  Once those new (dare I suggest "different") patterns seem to become stronger, shifts and changes will naturally begin to take place.  I've learned to choose more cautiously and wisely than I did 20, 10, 5 years ago. 

I believe in order for a sexual relationship to get better, it has to become new in some sort of way.  That's a cryptic way of saying in order for things to get better, you have to be willing to go where you never went before.  It's scary, especially if you're going to bring truth and honesty into the equation.  <YIKES!!!!> 

I think many of us have bought a lie but we didn't know about it because there was a whole lotta false advertising.

It reads to me like you are wanting to take-on more responsibility, but you're not sure how and if it will be worth the work and effort.  If that's true, the next questions are simple to ask:  Do you want to clean your crap?  And, are you willing to accept the consequences crap cleaning may bring?

YES!

I need to relearn how to have healthy realionships.At this time im not doing it for myself,because relating to people=stress I know its crazy but anyone like me knows that sometimes its easier to go through life without friends or relationships because it feels "safe".I am open to learning or unlearning how to build healthy strong lasting relationships any info available would be appreciated.

Tight-rope Trust-issues

relating to people=stress I know its crazy but anyone like me knows that sometimes its easier to go through life without friends or relationships because it feels "safe".

In the past, friends would ask me, "Why don't you ask for help when you need it?".

Because every time I did ask for help, I didn't get it.  I got scraps and crumbs only if it was easy and convenient..... and far too many times their version of "help" just made matters much much worse for me.  I learned I could trust no one, no matter what so-called loved ones (friends and family) said.  I learned people turn and walk (sometimes run) away when the shit hits the fan and things get very dark and ugly.  I learned to depend only upon myself because that's how it usually ends, anyway.... me alone, with a huge mess on my hands.

It took a horrible self-induced injury to bring me to my knees and ask for help.  Lucky for me I had someone who didn't walk away.  It was tough and I was indeed mostly alone in my recovery, but someone DID stay close enough to show me all I had to do was get better.  I willed myself like I never did before in my life.  [MAN it sucked!!!]

It took a year for me to regain my speech and memory well enough to tell one of my "former friends" what happened, and why.  I think it was the first time someone looked at me with complete sobriety.  The look in her eyes told me, "I'm so sorry".  I realized I needed that grief for me.  I decided I was willing to take a second chance with someone.

Months past and she and I began to spend more time together.  Limited doses and always on my terms.  One day I asked her, "You know how I feel about asking for help.  If I called you, because I needed you... could I trust you to be there?  Can I trust you won't be like everyone else?"  She said, "Yes.  If you need help I will try my best to help you."   I was willing to accept that answer and found myself testing her in all sorts of stupid petty little ways.

She has proven herself to be a good friend... and I learned to ask for help BEFORE things get really bad.

I understand the stress that goes with relationships and people... all I can say is... even if you don't trust people, per se ....at least trust in the belief that there ARE people in this world who are ready, willing and able to dedicate some time so you do NOT have to lose your mind.  If you allow yourself the hope and belief that good, decent people do in fact exist, you will find them, and they will find you.

Above all else, I'd like to add one last thing.  I believe people like Us need to remember one simple (very difficult) rule:   Baby steps with patience is far far safer than big huge risky leaps and jumps, without a safety-net.   Start building your safety net, (let trust-worthy people help you when you want/need it), and prepare yourself mentally for the many baby steps you have yet to take.  Prepare for set backs and disappointments and know without that safety net, (a small network of reliable friends), those falls can be pretty dangerous.  With patience and deliberation, you will get you where you want to be, eventually.  [Imagine the reward and applause!!!]

asking for help...

Those of us who are survivors of child abuse/neglect/sexual abuse all seem to share this: NOT asking for help if we need it.
I find that the female who finds herself in this situation is usually a "caregiver" by nature; having been forced, as a young child to gratify the needs of: mentally challenged mothers, sexually perverted fathers, and overbearing husbands; plus, we tend to date those who are "takers."
Since my daughter is home, I watch very carefully to see that she does not continue to follow this path, as I did...  sometimes I see myself in her ways.  I think we have an obligation to stop this pattern once we are aware of it; and the hardest part is reaching out and asking for help so she can see it is a normal thing to do.
Kerry said, "It took a horrible self-induced injury to bring me to my knees and ask for help."
There are many ways we seem to do this to ourselves; those of us who have fallen into the "prison" of being caregivers and never asking for help for ourselves.  Mine happened 6 years ago when I discovered one of my sons was a pedophile.  I didn't physically injure myself at the moment; it was a five year, daily ordeal where I stopped caring about myself and let nature take its course; which I'm paying for even one year after I stopped.
What I did was to allow myself to be medicated to the point where I could not function: didn't take care of my teeth or body and let my diabetes take over.  I hibernated in the dark and never went outside the door unless it was demanded of me by a PTB who would have then found out about my decaying self.   And when the day came that I faced reality, I began to undo the damage... by myself; which has taught me that I DO need to ask for help. 
It's a long process to find the strength to reach out, especially since, before, like Kerry said, so MANY people have walked away without doing ANYTHING to help.
Kerry said, " Start building your safety net, (let trust-worthy people help you when you want/need it)"
And that is what I have been working on:  recognizing trust-worthy people and giving them a chance.  And for the most part, those people, for me, are in the church.  I realize there are those of you who do not trust that type of people, but I've found, among the millions of non-trustworthy "Christians" there are those who truly are willing to help.  Looking back over my past three year "hell on earth" I KNOW the ones who made the commitment to my family and are still there; those who knew the "zombie Teddy" and still stuck around to help, when I would let them. 
We need to find the ones who can see past our deep mistrust of humans.  They are out there.  I'm very thankful.
This is truly the new Teddy...

What did I ever do to deserve this... Teddy

comfort

I know that territory where seeking comfort is easier than being confronted with a lot of crap. I am also not good at accepting criticism, tend to get really defensive and at some point in time I do need to step outside for a little while. Every form of criticism feels as "you are not good enough". What I've been trying to do is try to stay as open minded as possible to criticism up to the point where I feel I am going to shut down and not earlier than that. It can become a reflex to shut down the moment criticism is given, while being perfectly able to handle it. It's only when there is too much criticism that being open to it is no longer an issue. There is a dose that is still healthy and there is a dose that becomes counter productive and only you can tell how much you can handle.

I know for myself it's not always easy finding the right balance. Sometimes I want to shut down before my limits are reached and sometimes I really feel enough is enough, while still being confronted with anger that has not subsided by a long shot. What I try to do in the latter situation, is try to keep the things I could accept and protect them from me casting it all away, while somewhat shutting down to more criticism coming.

I think the trick is to push yourself just outside your comfort zone each time around, not too far, but just enough to enter new territory each time you try.

Pound Pup Legacy