Fulfilling Needs

When I was placed for adoption, I was fulfilling the needs of a growing industry rooted in infidelity and infertility.  [For some, this has turned out to be a really sick "Social Service".]

The man and woman who relinquished me needed freedom from accountability and responsibility.  [It is what it is, as I see it.]

The woman/wife who adopted me needed to have a (perfect, smart, loving, affectionate) daughter.  [Her own mother was seen as such a huge failure and disappointment... at least that's how the daughter always saw it.]

The man/husband who helped her adopt me had his own private need:  shut-the-woman-up.  [I can only imagine how much he wanted an end to her constant chronic complaining.]

The family memberS within that adoptive family who used me sexually had their own needs, as well. <silence>

As I got older and showed promise and talent, the Aparentals had new needs and desires.  [A few years ago I found papers that show just how much my life was being mapped-out for me and my future success.  What a huge disappointment I must be.]

When I started dating, I learned the needs of my boyfriends didn't differ much from the needs of the family members who became my first-teachers. ["(You) do as I want, and (you) don't complain, or I will leave and/or hurt you."]

I got married to a man who had his own special needs:  please his mother and sisters, and put an end to their worry and concerns.  [Seems good Catholic boys must relinquish the fun/crazy bachelor days because they have to get married and have babies before Mom passes away.] 

I need sleep.... but I can't get it.  [At least the house is finally dark and quiet, and nothing is needed from me... but that will soon change.]

The man I married refuses to give me the divorce I've been wanting for years.  <more silence>

I'm awake because all my life, I have been fulfilling the needs of others, only to realize.... all those years, no one was there for ME, when I really REALLY needed it.  <now I lay myself to sleep... >

Average: 6 (1 vote)

divorce: is it freedom?

I received $200.00 from the man in prison who is still legally married to me... only by a few words written down at the courthouse that says we are married.  There is nothing more that proves this marriage exists; there was never anything that proved we were  a "married couple." 
Thanks, I'll go on eBay and spend that money so fast your head will spin!  He said I could use it as a retainer for the divorce, which he does not want...  but hey, whatever.
So there you are with an ass-wipe who does not want to face reality and give you the divorce you want and deserve; and here is another ass-wipe who does not want a divorce but will send money from prison to help me get the divorce I .... what?..... want?  need?  WHAT???  I don't know.
What would a divorce give to either of us?  Would it bring instant happiness and freedom and the ability to HAVE a life?  Or would there be so many stipulations and such humiliation that neither of us would even FEEL divorced?
What is divorce?  I haven't even REALLY been married to DM for almost 20 years!  How do you count time spent as a celibate room mate a marriage?  There should be INSTANT divorces by default!  NO sex for so many years null and voids the license.  I could go for that...
What is on the other side of the word divorce?  Marriage/Divorce...  We are on the left side and longingly gazing beyond, to the right side, which is divorce.  What is over there?  Is there peace?  Do we get to choose a new name so no one will immediately remember all the years of painful rejection we spent on the side of marriage?  WHAT do we GET?  I want SOMETHING other than to be thrown out there into the world to fend for myself as a single mom!  OH, I forgot... I already am out here in the world alone, fending for myself as a single mom.  So what will I prove with a divorce?  WHAT is there out there for me?  Another ass-wipe of a man who just might give me sex?  I don't even know if I remember what it's all about. 
If someone somewhere could point out to me the advantages of a divorce... come on... I'm waiting.

What did I ever do to deserve this... Teddy


I have never been married so the least likely person to say anything sensible about this, but I will try anyway.

Having read all the posts you made, I get the impression on a inter-personal level there really no longer is a marriage. Not since your husband is in prison and from what I understand not for many years before that. I don't know whether being a married woman has some importance to you in your community, or if still being married has a negative impact within your community. Are there in that sense advantages or disadvantages to being married?

There is of course a religious meaning to marriage, something too elusive for me to discuss.

Finally marriage is also a legal contract and given the fact your marriage is effectively non-existent, is probably the most important thing to look at. Getting rid of a name you have probably started to resent, can be an important reason, but there are of course also financial consequences to getting a divorce. Are you entitled to insurance you may lose when getting married? Do you have an income now that would become less after divorce? Those are the things to consider. I have not enough knowledge of these things to give any real advice, but this is what popped up in my head.

No matter what, there is never going to be a quick fix. Divorce cannot undo the bad years, it will never be a clean break, but it could lead to a sense of closure.

breaking the covenant...

Religiously speaking, marriage is considered a covenant... but I really do believe it takes BOTH parties to MAKE the covenant a covenant.  I could be wrong.  From day one there has NEVER been one day he took the marriage vows to mean a covenant.  NOT one day was he ever faithful to me in all the 30 years we lived together.  He admits he never loved me.... of course, he now states he has found God, and in the meantime "sees" me through God's eyes and now loves me. 
I like what you state about there being "a legal contract and given the fact your marriage is effectively non-existent, is probably the most important thing to look at."  I agree 100%.  That makes sense to me.
I do believe it can be put in the divorce papers that he is responsible to keep the family insured; which we have great insurance for over 5 more years before it ends...  That is a very important point.
The community, at first, thought I should RUN out and divorce him immediately; while some think I already have and some couldn't care less. 
After all these years of commitment on my part, it is very difficult to imagine myself divorced.  I do not work... haven't worked for YEARS.  Whether I am married or not has no bearing on that point.
The name is a very sore subject... I had thought about changing it; but that would leave all my children bearing his name, alone... which would make me look very selfish.  So I guess I'm stuck with the name because to change it on all the legal stuff and... oh well, it's just too complicated to even bother.
My church friends are getting used to the idea of my talking divorce, so that is behind me.  Divorce is a major decision that will bring consequences and opinions either way, so I guess I really don't care what they think anymore.
My biggest problem is the intense pain it causes me whenever I get close to making THE decision.  And I'm one who believes there could be something behind those feelings; maybe saying, not just yet.
So I'm right back where I started...
Thanks for the input.

What did I ever do to deserve this... Teddy

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