Unmarried fathers
Fri, 2007-01-19 07:00 - Kerry
Heritage's FamilyFacts.org draws our attention to its latest featured finding, from the American Sociological Review. The finding concludes that out-of-wedlock fatherhood is problematic for men just as out-of-wedlock motherhood is problematic for women:
The study found that unwed fatherhood is associated with delayed marriage and higher rates of cohabitation. Men who had a child outside of marriage were a third less likely to marry than peers who were not fathers. In addition, men who became fathers outside of marriage were twice as likely to cohabit as comparable men who were not fathers.
Other FamilyFacts.org findings point out that men who become fathers outside of marriage are more likely to be poor and less likely to be employed year-round. The lesson? Traditional marriage matters.
Comments
propagandistic conclusion
The conclusion put forward here is "traditional marriage matters" is such non-sense. The fact that many instable, poor couples don't marry, doesn't mean marriage causes stability and financial prosperity. The issue is instability and poverty, for which marriage is not a panacea. I don't see any advantage of marriage over cohabitation, what matters for children is a stable home to live in, not the legal status of its parents.w
It's about taking responsability
Married or not. Who cares.
What matters is taking responsability. Being there for the child, in the best case to live together with the child and the mother, in harmony. If that's not possible, then still provide for the child and keep an open relationship.
Marriage is, in my view, just an administrative formalisation of what should be an issue of love and commitment. And of course, not so long ago, marriage would do away with women's rights. As for parenthood, it is what you do that matters, not your maritial status.
Terms of Terminating Tradition
It's funny to me how tradition dictates the rites of passage for an individual, with marriage being the apex of a person's social-status.
"Are you married?" The social-stigma that gets attached to that answer seems to reflect back to a person's parents. A Good person comes from Good parents, who were/are, of course, "happily" married. A Bad person come from a dark and questionable past, and refuses to follow the footsteps of Good tradition, proving that person must be "broken" or damaged somehow. ["How else do we explain why Joey doesn't want to get married? There must be something wrong with him!"]
I personally, have yet to meet the person who says "I love being married". In fact, most people I know got married because it was expected and "it was time to settle-down and have kids".
The lucky ones get divorced. The miserable, angry ones remain married, "for the sake of the children". So it seems misery and separation is the hidden family tradition no one likes to discuss in mixed-company.
My adoptive parents always appeared one way to the public. They were the couple who worked hard and were living the American Dream, complete with the adopted child from an orphanage. The truth was, they always seemed so miserable with eachother, with each one taking turns telling me how horrible the other person was. I hated how neither had the guts or balls to say to eachother, what was said to me, so I didn't have to be their go-between-glue that kept them together. I remember asking my dad once, "Don't you think you deserve to be happy?". I remember him looking at me and saying "I am happy." [Sure, he had me to keep him company and complain and laugh to! ] I never felt more sorry for that man than I did immediately following that quick conversation.
Many years later, I find myself stuck in tradition, and I look back at what my natural-mother did, and think "You know, maybe living for yourself isn't so bad, afterall." I know the worst thing my children can see is me crying and feeling sad and miserable. A child wants the parents to be happy, regardless of the marriage-relationship.
I think with parenting, (and with marriage), accountability is just as important as responsibility... both being very personal issues because there has to be a ballance in a person's behaviors. It serves no good purpose to do something if you know in a few years that choice is going to bring you a lot of pain and misery.