"Adoption Parties"?!?!

I was reading an adoption-blog-site and it included the speech written by a child put in foster-care who ultimately met his adoptive family through a party (?!?)

Eventually I was faced with the question I will never forget: “ How do you feel about being adopted?” and that question had hit me, and hit me hard. To me, it meant that I would never live with my biological parents again, and I grew scared. I hated the idea of adoption at the time, and I worried about whether or not I would be able to see my parents again. So I told them I didn’t like the idea, and that was that. I moved from home to home, and felt all kinds of different emotions. I felt left out, I felt alone, I wondered if anyone actually cared about me, I started to really miss my family, and I wanted out. I was trapped in only the memories of my past, and hated it. I was then reassigned a new social worker that changed my life. She helped me through my rough times, and explained to me the great life that I would have if I were to be adopted. She explained that I would feel more loved, and that everything would turn out for the best if I were put with the right family for me. Finally I agreed, and she created my profile for the many families out there looking for kids to adopt.

I went to a few adoption parties, and I met all kinds of people. Afterwards, I reflected on these parties. Questions were racing through my mind: “Who would want to adopt an 11 year old? Who would want to adopt a kid with bad grades, and a trouble-making past?” I always thought people just adopted babies, and I grew worried about whether or not it would work out. As time went on, I just stopped hoping, and started forgetting about the whole idea, and just came to a realization that I would be a foster-kid until after high-school. In the summer after my twelfth birthday I received a call from my social worker about a family that was interested in adopting me. I grew excited, and I started talking to them on the phone.  Adoption Parties: A Teen’s Opinion

Aside from this reading like a dating-service created by social workers for PAP's and children in foster care, I'm not sure WHAT to think.

Does anyone know more about this Adoption Party concept and the people who sponsor such things?

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Adoption Parties

Kerry wrote:
Aside from this reading like a dating-service created by social workers for PAP's and children in foster care, I'm not sure WHAT to think.

Although I'm not a big fan of adoption parties, thanks for posting the link to the full article.  It's nice to read about a happy ending on this forum, at least through the eyes of this young man.

The matching process can seem like a dating service at times.  I'm not sure how you would eliminate that feeling altogether.  It IS about matching older foster children with available families.

Does anyone know more about this Adoption Party concept and the people who sponsor such things?

Yes, we went to one adoption party when we were searching for our daughter, but I'm not up to posting the whole story at the moment.  I had major knee surgery two days ago, and I'm on some serious pain killers.

Dad


When The Party ends

It's nice to read about a happy ending on this forum,

Yes, "Dad", this forum/website is indeed unlike any other adoption-related forum/website.  You know why?  Because we know not ALL adoption-stories have such "happy-endings". 

I believe these not-so warm and fuzzy adoption stories are the sort of personal experiences more people need to see and read so better practices can be made in child placement AND family services.

After all, once the big party and celebration ends, there is life in reality.... and for some of us adoptees, that reality "after" is/was far worse than anything that came "before".

I wish, just once, these adoption advocates and adoption conventions would feature those adoptees abused post-placement.

I wonder just how many would attend such an event, and how many would be leaving feeling satisfied and happy.

BTW, I  had four knee surgeries, so I know the pain you're in.  My first knee surgery was when I was 15.  The day I returned home, my Adad made me do deep knee-bends (squats) in the kitchen to prove to him I wasn't weak and I wanted to get better.

I'm told that's because he loved me, and hated to see me in bed.

 

 

 

sounds sadistic to me...

Your AF made you do that?  Was this an order from the doctor he was going on or was it some sick way of controlling
you?  I'm just sick that he chose this way to make you ?strong?!  Was he military?
For those of us who have lived through some of the not-so-happy adoption endings; and I see it from both sides; the
truth is real:  behind closed doors lies some really disgusting crap!  It's not a small amount of happenings, either.  And
it has been happening for many, many years.
For many of us, being able to talk openly about this abuse within an adoptive family is part of our healing...
SOMEBODY,  please hear us and do something!

What did I ever do to deserve this... Teddy

Deep Knee Bends

Teddy wrote:
Your AF made you do that?  Was this an order from the doctor he was going on or was it some sick way of controlling you?  I'm just sick that he chose this way to make you ?strong?!  Was he military?

I've got one of those 8 inch zipper scars with 25-30 metal staples in it. 

"Deep knee bends" - I can't think of three more painful words at this moment.  He had to know this could be extremely painful.  What's up with that?

Teddy called it sadism.  What would you call it?

Dad

 

What do I call it?

When I was in the kitchen, doing the deep knee bends for my Adad, I called it love.  (I so desperately wanted to please him and make him proud....I so needed him to love and respect me.... there was nothing I wouldn't do to get his love and approval, so I willingly did deep knee bends for him one day after knee surgery.)

When I think about it now, I call it submission.  (I'd rather inflict pain on myself than disappoint him.)

Back then I cried my eyes out, but no one looked or listened.

I'm hoping one day things will be different.... but then, to this day, my Adad will have nothing to do with me because I was such a grave disappointment.

 

sick puppy...

Are you a disappointment because of your revealing the abuse?  I can't imagine what it's like to want to please someone
that much...  are you still that way?  Don't dogs submit to the master they love?  Is it really love...
Teddy crawls for bones, too...

What did I ever do to deserve this... Teddy

Crumbs and pieces

Since I can remember, I have always felt like a huge disappointment. [If my first mother and father didn't love me enough to keep me, didn't that suggest there was something wrong with me?]

All my life I worked very hard to please my owners.  All my life I feared rejection.

Ironically, my need to be perfect and ideal made me a human target .

I don't like discussing too many details about my childhood with that family who "chose me"... it's still too raw and painful.

 I can't imagine what it's like to want to please someone that much...  are you still that way?  Don't dogs submit to the master they love?

Yes, I am still that way at certain times and with certain people, but I believe I am getting much smarter and stronger.  I tend to think dogs (like me) submit out of fear and survival.  ["Love" has nothing to do with it.]

love has nothing to do with it...

And this is why I'm still not able to find my way in this world.  I know nothing about love; which I'm told is supposed to be wonderful; where you get back from your giving.
Living a life as a giver, out of fear of rejection, does not guarantee you will receive.  I've received nothing... 
Did you "get" anything from your AF because you obeyed and did the knee bends?  Are there rewards that really
count toward self-esteem when obeying?

What did I ever do to deserve this... Teddy

Warped rewards

If I performed as directed, I would not get lectured or told what had to be done/changed so I could do/be better.  [There were all sorts of negative consequences for me if I did not do as I was told.]

This type of conditioning helped me become a living creature with very low self-esteem.  I became the poor pathetic stupid bitch-bastard who'd do anything just so I would not get kicked or thrown-out, and I hated myself for following those rules made by other people. [Makes for healthy intimate relationships, doesn't it?]

What's so amusing, (in my warped and twisted brain), is I know my Adad, (in his very primitive, barbaric way), was trying to teach me to be strong... to be a fighter (to block out pain).  Instead, both he and my Amother taught me it was fine to be bullied; it was wrong to question authority; and it was not acceptable to stand-up against those who said, "Because I told you so." or "We know better.".

Meanwhile, their biologic son, could do wrong; he was allowed to fail and it was OK to disappoint both of them because he was their son, and they always loved him.  Their love for him was unconditional, where their love for me was contingent upon my actions.  Many times I would ask why this was so.... I was told, "We don't expect as much from him as we do from you."  They expected little from their biologic son, but required great things from their adopted daughter.... the one with so much promise, passion and potential.  Too bad she could not deliver.  Too bad she stopped following directions.  Too bad she died in their care.  [Yes, my amother told me the daughter she adopted (that sweet happy little girl) is dead to her.... according to her, I killed and replaced her perfect precious daughter.]

<fading to black>

seeing red...

I expected a lot from my kids...  all of them.  I expected them to try.  I expected them to do their best; and that best was
different for each child.  Kerry, if nothing else, you've shown me that there can be worse parents than I.  I made a lot
of mistakes.  But I just can not imagine the torture this was for you, knowing the son was not made to do the same.
I know it was hard for you to tell this, but it sure makes me look at you differently.  I really don't think these people are
the majority of adoptive parents.  This is just so far out there in evilsville.  But, I have to admit, I keep reading of these
atrocities happening in adoptive families and there must be a BUNCH of wackos pretending to be human, among the
long lists of PAP's.

What did I ever do to deserve this... Teddy

Mistakes, they are human

Expecting perfection is dangerous.

I cannot believe for one minute my AP's are the only ones in the world who expected/wanted perfection.

but...

the thing is, it was you, Kerry, this happened to and it just breaks my heart.  You and my daughter have lived through
some really sick-shit from some really evil people.  Every time I talk to her or email her I have to cry and tell her over
and over how sorry I am.... for both of you. 

What did I ever do to deserve this... Teddy

Pound Pup Legacy