Misery in my adoption story

I grew-up surrounded by miserable people.  My amother was miserable because of her own childhood and lost opportunities; my afather was miserable because of his childhood and wife's problems; and I learned to accept misery as the one part of life I could not escape.

The worst part about this breed of misery surrounding me is this:  I was told life with miserable people was not a miserable experience.

In fact, I look back at some of the conversations I had alone with each of my aparents, and I wonder, who were they trying to kid when they kept telling me how wonderful my life was?  Do they not remember all the stories and complaints they gave me about their lives and each-other?  Was all that secret honesty all a game or a charade, one I was to accept not as real but as an image I was to then ignore?

I learned to accept misery as a way of life, and I was told there was nothing wrong.

I learned not to argue with people who did not at all agree with me.

I learned I was supposed to be happy because two miserable people wanted to be parents [which I question deeply], and keep their own family [well, they did keep their mutually-made son...].  Because they wanted something, I was supposed to think it was all good.

Contrary to popular public belief, life for me with them (that group of miserable people) was NOT good, but the good respecting child in me knew I had to nod and smile, as if I understood and agreed with everything they said about their half-crafted-version of family.

I am trying to reconcile the good, the bad, and the ugly adoption has brought me, and I'm learning with each step, I fall back in dumbfound awe.

I was razed to believe misery was an acceptable way of life.  [Who teaches that to a child?!?]

I was conditioned not to think for myself, because that could lead to family betrayal. [Which family?!?]

I was told right was wrong and wrong was right and I was led to believe my natural way of thinking was backwards.  [Is my logic really wrong and lacking?!?]

<fading back into black>

There is still so much that needs to be repaired in me... I just pray I live to see the fruits of my own pain-filled solitary labor.

<breathe... remind myself to breathe>

If I could make one request for all adoption agencies to follow, I would ask if there could be one simple rule of goodness used for each child placement:  PLEASE don't send a child to live where misery is the strongest bond that keeps a family together.

I dare not think what could have become of me, had I not been surrounded by so much adult-sized rage, regret and personal misery.

Yes, mine has been a life filled with adoption-related misery, and I hate knowing so much of that did not have to be.