When sex becomes a HUGE issue
'Tis the season to discuss sexual issues, it seems.... at least that's the air of conversation surrounding me these days.
Several people have been privately mentioning the same problem to me, so I thought it would be a good idea to make this a public discussion.The issue is simple and the questions typically begin after a comment like this:
I always feel obligated to have sex (or become sexual) with someone, even if I don't want to. [The under-lying theme being: "God forbid I do something that can be seen/perceived as 'disappointing' to anyone showing an interest in me".]
For those who have been sexually violated as a child, I can easily understand how "obligation to please" becomes a twisted desire and need. After all, what child understands the concept of "safe sex" and what child wants to get an adult angry or be told "I thought you loved me." I think for many, sex is an act that screams betrayal in ways few are willing to openly discuss, especially if you were fostered/adopted and then sexually abused.
Intellectually I can understand/appreciate the belief "normal people" keep in terms of love and sex -- they belong together. As one who was the relinquished by-product of love and sex, my own mental associations made between love and sex have been further tainted because many years after my adoption, I was lied to and used. Truth be told, I can't help but think sex is the tool that can be easily used to control and manipulate another person in ways that can be very damaging, especially to the person who truly wants to be loved and accepted by another human being. I know for myself, sex and love scare me because I hate knowing both can lead to the loss of personal control. Domination, submission, initiation and rejection -- I see these as being not-so-hidden issues for the person trapped inside the mind that keeps repeating, "I will not let you hurt and betray (or leave) me"
Are there others who relate to sex as being an act of personal betrayal, or an obligation -- one that must be given in order to be liked, loved or kept? If so, what do you do about it so sex does not become a huge upsetting issue between two partners facing an intimate relationship?
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Just smile and wave...
Walk away... look back... turn around... turn back and walk away. It's a vicious circle with no end. The hurt and betrayal of
a very young child/baby, leaves lifelong scars that raise into prominence and can not be overlooked or done away with. Scrape
off that proud skin/scar (The cause of proud flesh is foreign material from the initial injury that may be still in the wound, and it comes back even higher and prouder), and find some of the same initial pain that betrayed that child/baby in the first place.
Sex is a BIG issue: God meant sex to be a beautiful experience between a man and a woman who Trust and care for each other; a commitment; a give/give situation. Sexually abused children NEVER experience that beauty! JMO!
I despise feeling that sex is an obligation for someone to be nice to me. Men are users with SEX as the main goal.
It was a man/boy who abused me; many men and many boys... You can't seek a woman to fulfill the needs that weren't
met as a baby/child so we seek a man. Sheesh, I can't win! A mother who could not nurture her own child and then men who are just NOT nurturers are all that is left.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
"someone being nice to me"
I don't think men are the only species/genders who use sex as a "goal". For ages women have used men to get pregnant... as if a baby would be the reason for love to be found between two people. [See how sick and twisted sex can be??]
Back in college, I used sex as my weapon to attract those I thought I could keep. For me "keeping" someone close was very important to me... the problem was I really didn't like ANYONE being very close to me because there was so much I was ashamed to reveal.
In this sense, sex got very confusing to me because the act itself was just that: an act. Inside I did not respond, and yet there was a driving force that couldn't stop me. I needed someone to be nice to me... to want and love ALL of me, and yet all it took for me to shed my clothes was a simple smile and wave. Yes, I pathetically admit, I would have sex with someone just because he was nice to me... as if that was the "love", the bond, the attraction to me I was really seeking.
<rolling eyes>
The more this happened, the more I realized I had a serious problem... one that had nothing to do with feelings, but a need not to be discarded. Little did I know at the time, my reputation began to precede me, and I was the piece of ass that got used and then tossed like a piece of trashy garbage.
Amidst this horrible repeating cycle, (object and objective), the last thing on my mind was "a mother's love". Instead, I was consumed by all the rejection that followed. I became a hunter, with no desire to gather. I was angry, but I never knew what about. I never knew what I most wanted and needed was a little TLC and nurturing.
I didn't know all that I was missing until I was holding my own baby. Only then did I realize how much I hurt my own self because of sex and my need for safe unconditional love.
I can relate...
I wanted to have them all need me... sex was the way to get them to need me. How sick! I didn't want any of them, just
to conquer and go my way; me being used, and thinking I had really shown them how it feels to be thrown away! I only
wanted someone to need me bad enough to never leave me. No one ever did. A piece of ass is replaceable and
plentiful. I acted like a slut... constantly searching for the one who would find me worthy enough to keep.
Sex is very twisted when you are used at a very young age and learn that it gets you the attention you crave. Attention/sex/
love, it all gets mixed up and twisted when you don't know what love really is.
One of the best times I remember was when a young man and I met and went to park in the country... I asked him to tell me he loved me when we had sex so it would be better, and it was. Just pretending we loved each other gave me a moment of
contentment; instead of just doing it like animals. Now that's sick.
My need was so very deep and painful... my own dad had used me and then discarded me at the age of 5. I thought that was how it worked. I used men and discarded them, thinking that was all I was good for and that I should treat them as I was treated. I sometimes enjoyed the sex but most of the time I was not really there. I was driven to find someone who would keep me; see in me something more than the sex.
The two-headed-monster did her level best to destroy me during all of this. When does a mother give her 16 year old daughter her drivers license (they were paper back them) and let her change the date so she could go to bars? When does a mother tell her daughter and boyfriend to have sex at the house because she was afraid of us out on some country road getting hurt?
When does a mother marry her daughter off and then run her life at the age of 15 when she is not even pregnant? When does a mother insist her daughter marry a pervert that SHE is in lust with? When does a mother use her 10 year old daughter to vent her sexual problems on?
Yes, I was a mess from all of this dysfunctional parenting!
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
parent, savior, or best friend
I'm a bit fascinated by these statements:
I believe there is definitely a fine-line between a parent's role as guiding-leader and friend. My amother wanted me to be her "best-friend", and yet when it came to my need to be away from her, all rules were dictated like she was a commanding jealous woman afraid to let go of the one companion she thought she could keep. I used to see this crazy jealous behavior a lot with women, and it used to scare the life out of me. I think in many ways, I didn't want to be like that, so I never let people know I wanted and needed them. I hated the idea of being trapped, and I hated the idea that someone would feel trapped with me. I think by giving sex freely, I was trying to be "new and different" in a way that theoretically made me "strong and care-free". I wanted men to like that about me, and keep me because I was not at all like other females they knew.
Looking back, there were lots of guys who told me I was very special and unique. The sad irony in that is I ruined that impression once I made it clear sex with me was no big deal. It was a very huge big deal... one that kept killing huge hidden pieces of me.
How sad and pathetic is that? My silence (and inability to stand-up for myself) was my own worst enemy.
Best Friend?
Just WHAT! right does a mother have to USE a child as her "best friend." That is SO unfair and whacked! No wonder
I don't know how to be a friend.... in my mind it is someone who wants more than I can give.
What was the defining point that stopped your doting and deep love for her?
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy