I read this about adoption disruption!
There are numerous factors that lead to adoption disruption:
* The child is an inappropriate match to your family (there are no bad children, only bad matches in adoption)
* The adoption agency failed to prepare you for the special needs of the child
* The child had poor preparation for the adoption process
* There are unrealistic expectations of the child or the adoptive parents experience
* Your parenting style conflicts with techniques the child responds to the best
* Lack of a strong support system for your family or you have relatives that disagree with your adoption
* Lack of support from your adoption agency
* Failure to assess services for the child that may be needed
* The child has emotional or attachment issues or past abuse that were unknown to you or were not disclosed at the time of placement by the adoption agency
* The dynamics of your home do not match the characteristics that your child requires
* Your family hasn’t integrated or blended despite efforts
* Family stress factors (financial or marital problems, unresolved infertility issues, etc.) that make it difficult to work with the child’s needs
What Have You Done to Prevent an Disruption?
* What interventions have I put in place for my child?
* What interventions have I put in place for my partner or children?
* What have I done to educate myself about the needs of my child?
* What have I done to accommodate the needs of the adoptive child and my family?
* Have I made every possible attempt to attach and bond with my child even if they are rejecting of me? Have I given the child a chance to attach and bond with me? (One month for every year of life before you see any slight changes)
* Am I taking the behaviors that my child is demonstrating personally rather than looking objectively at what my child went through before coming home?
* What supports have I put in place for my family?
* Are my expectations realistic?
* Is this a temporary crisis or have interventions failed?
* Have I tried to modify my lifestyle and/or parent techniques to meet the child’s needs?
* Is there anything that I haven’t as an adoptive parent tried that may help?
* What is best for my adoptive child and family? Is it my family or another that can best help my child reach his or her potential?
* Have you put your child’s needs before your own?
What to tell the child:
* “It’s not your fault”
* “Maybe we weren’t the family that was meant to be your forever family. Maybe we were meant to get you out of (foster care/ the orphanage) and help you get to your forever family”
* “Our family isn’t the best family for you, you deserve a family who can take care of you the way you need to be able to be taken care of”.
* “I/We love you and we want what is best for you. We can not meet your needs”.
* “We have found a counselor who has looked the world over and he/she found a family that is right for you”
* Be honest
* Accept responsibility for adoption dissolution and the replacement
* Show empathy for the adoptive child’s feelings
* Encourage closure with friends and family members (have a small get together, give the child a camera and address book for information about his/her friends, etc.)
* Send all important toys, past Lifebooks, copies of any birth family photos or baby pictures of the child (if available), and pictures of your family currently.
* Do not leave them with a false hope of future communication if that is something that may not happen.
* Do not lead them to believe that there is chance that they can return “if they are good” if it’s not true.
* Do not blame the child for the disruption.
* Do not glorify the new adoptive family. (Be honest about their home, the family characteristics and any basic facts that you know. Share the family photos or video if available to ease questions and fears of the unknown)