The Olympic Games

The Olympic Games remind me of:

1) 1976 Montreal  Olympic games in. It was the first Olympic Games that I saw in my life. I was at the Olympic Stadium with my mother who was pointing out every Korean athletes.  At that time, I spoke Korean and a little English that I learned during my six months in USA. I was shouting proudly: “Korea! Korea! Uri daehanminguk ! »

A year later, I swore to hate Korea forever for rejecting/selling me after reading my adoption records. I also swore to be a good girl to my adoptive parents.

2) 1988 Seoul Olympic Games. I was proud of Korea. I cried thinking that very soon, I would go back to Korea to take back my place. I told my mother that I wouldn’t know which country to encourage between Canada and Korea.

A year later, I was in Korea with my generous-loving-hypocrite-pedophile-adoptive father and my generous-loving-hypocrite-alcoholic-coward adoptive mother who brought me there for our last family trip before their divorce. My hurt  for being rejected by Korea awoke, I felt angry at Korea and Holt for shipping me to a foreign country. But I had to say thank you and be happy. Burying the wrong feelings was not difficult, it was in my second nature to do that.

3) 2002 FIFA World Cup. I didn't watch it. I didn't want to hear about it in the news. It was a year after finding my family and learning that Korea was still selling their babies. I heard Korea was rejoicing for their victory. I just didn’t care if they won or lost.

A year later, I was in Korea again. My hatred, hurt and anger woke up again, this time forever. A Korean asked me if I felt proud for Korea when they won the 2002 World Cup. I shrugged and answered. “It didn’t make me happy, it didn’t make me sad.” And I thought: “I’m ashamed of Korea. Do you remember selling me to USA. I asked several Koreans why Koreans were still exporting their babies today, nobody dared to answer. I swore to never go back there.

Watching the Bejing Olympic Ceremony reminds the loss of my culture. Don’t suggest me that I can read books to learn their culture. I still remember their culture but it's just like if I learned it from books. 

I don’t know which part of myself I hate the most between my Quebec culture which is the result of a forced assimilation and my Korean body that had been sold  by  my birth country.

Simple/normal things of life hurt me. A few years ago, not understanding why I was sad, I would have taken several drugs to try to forget the inner pain. Now I have learned to express my feelings and I don't need to take medication. If there are adoptive parents who want tell me things like "you angry adoptee", "you had bad parents", "I have a nephew who is an adoptee and  is happy", I will tell you to shut up.

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Funny... in that sad, sick sort of way!

The Olympics always remind me of Nadia Comaneci.  She, and her team-mates were the first people I had ever seen who almost look like me.

I used to watch, in fascination, not at the sporting events or competitions, but at the faces of people who could have closely resembled the Ukrainian side of my family.

[Such bittersweet memories that brings for me!]

I don't watch the Olympics.  I hate to see so much money being invested in something as silly as a sporting event.  

Simple/normal things of life hurt me. A few years ago, not understanding why I was sad, I would have taken several drugs to try to forget the inner pain. Now I have learned to express my feelings and I don't need to take medication.

That... THAT brought tears to my eyes. 

Your progress makes this angry unfeeling bastard really super proud!!!!

The inner pain

No one knows your inner pain but you, nor has the right to throw words at you, Kimette.  Your ability to speak your pain and
to do it without medication is such a strength for me.   Stating that  things of life hurt you, shows you as a voice
many of us would like to own.  I admire your words.  And yes, AP's need to shut-up and listen.  Thank you.

"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy

A new conditioning

I noticed something really essential mentioned in the following sentence:

Stating that  things of life hurt you, shows you as a voice many of us would like to own.

I think anger, for most of us, has been denied, and yet look at HOW MUCH some adoptees have to be angry about!!!

Giving voice to anger, making it safe, and giving it purpose and meaning is exactly why Niles and I created PPL.

Far too many people, for far too long have had their justified anger ignored, dismissed and/or silenced, and I not only think that's unhealthy, but I believe it's simply wrong to not educate others about the dangers and risks child placement is still taking with innocent, unsuspecting lives.  This is a global problem, and it deserves and requires global attention.

Only when we expose the dark-side can true light and life co-exist.

It brings me great happiness that both of your are not only finding, but you're owning your own voices, as well.  They are the same but different, and I see greatness in that.  I think you will both find these new-found voices will go from soft timid whispers to loud angry roars, to eloquent conversations that few can ignore.

[If/when we are open to wound recovery, it's nice to know not all pain filled sounds are bad and scary, isn't it?   Often times I see the cries of anger as loud calls for help.  In a more poetic, visceral sense, I like to think of the howls as birthing-sounds... but I tend to get visual with my weird nursing associations and descriptions.] 

 

Last but not least, for those who say "you're one of those angry people",  (as if to mean, "you don't know what you're talking about, because I did my research, and all these happy people tell me you are wrong...") say, "Yes, and I'm finally giving voice to my inner-child... so listen and learn what adoption did to me!"

Even if it's just one person who nods in agreed sympathy, it's one more than you had before, and if there's one thing I know:  positive reinforcement can work miracles.

Pound Pup Legacy