When I first asked my adoptive parents why they didn't have children of their own, they told me they couldn't get children of their own. I don't know if they used the word "infertility", I was too young anyway to understand five syllable words at the time. Had there not been more to it, I would have never heard and probably would never have asked.

In fact I never had to ask much anyway. Especially my adoptive mother would tell every fucking detail of her life to me, much of which belonging to the i-don't-want-to-and-certainly-don't-need-to-know domain. So as I grew up I learned their "inability" to have children of there own wasn't a question of infertility but a a pre-nuptual agreement to not have children. My adoptive father told me his father was an alcoholic and he was afraid it ran in his family and didn't want to burden a future generation with that. His mother also had insisted on never having children. So before marrying my adoptive mother she had to agree on not having children.

I accepted the story, although it never sat well with me, but knowing already too much about my adoptive parents, I never really questioned the story. I couldn't understand why my grand father's alcoholism could be such an issue two generations later, when neither my father nor his brother would drink much, though both drank alcohol with moderation. I couldn't understand why the words of a mother would still resonate in the ears of my father, while his brother did have a daughter of his own. Something didn't feel right about the story, but I never asked and despite that, I heard the story several times over the years.

Several years after my adoptive father's death, my adoptive mother told me a different story, she had just heard from my adoptive father's brother's daughter. Apparently my adoptive father had caught syphilis and lived under the impression he could still infect my adoptive mother even though he had been treated. I don't know how true the story is, my adoptive father is no longer there, his brother who is the original source of this story (his daughter having heard it from him) is long gone too and in all honesty I don't really have to know. It could be true, my adoptive father was certainly a man capable of keeping secrets and taking them to the grave. It explains some of the detail of the i-don't-want-and-certainly-don't-need-to-know stories I heard, but it creates many more questions that can never be answered again.

It taught me one thing though, when people say they can't have children, I no longer take their words at face value. Over the years I have learned that infertility due to syphilis was not uncommon among soldiers returning from the second world war and contributed to adoption at the time. I also learned there are couples that simply don't have sex and therefore claim infertility. It's not something much is written about and certainly not something the infertility treatment and adoption industry wants to talk about. The sympathy for the poor infertile couple is one of their big selling points after all. The realization some infertility is self-inflicted would shred that carefully drafted image.


hadn't considered that before

piecing together the clues is so fascinating and draining.  and it all falls into place when you get a missing clue.

infertility is something that should be explored more, for sure.

once, after i had left my second relationship after twelve years, i was pining for company and actually did the on-line dating thing for a brief period.  i wrote one man who seemed interesting, and he wrote back that i had been eliminated because, frankly, i had passed my prime child-bearing years.  the guy was specifically looking for a breeder/incubator!
i don't know where this fits in to your blog post, except maybe to illustrate that love often has little to do with how children are intentionally brought into the world, and that a guy with these kinds of values might be one desperate gray hair away from becoming an ideal candidate for adoption services.  (shudder)

A breeding-ground for future dysfunction

Gee, let's see how this adoption-application would read to an adoption service:

Family history of alcohol abuse.

Marriage made with a contract agreement that states no children will be created sexually.  [I wonder if there was a clause that defined "acceptable sex between consenting adults" ?]

Questionable STD within the family.

<Hmmm>, I'm not an adoption placement specialist, but does all seems "safe and sound" for that child's future?

I suppose this confession given by your amother helps explain her behavior when she was younger and afraid for her own health and well-being?

Who dares to say adoption does not leave it's scars?

Is it any wonder why so many fear having children of their own?  The sick thing is, adoption can prevent a hideous pregnancy, or be the cure to an "unwanted pregnancy", but clearly adoption does not prevent bad parenting.


I did NOT want any of my biological parent's blood in my children; and thank God there was none of my evil husband's blood passed on that way either. 

One Step Up From Bottom,

If I may be so blunt...

Your courage and ability to discuss these things helps me be more forward.  [You know you will get nothing but brutal honesty from me...]

Your husband's blood may not be in your children, but did his body-fluids contaminate, just the same?

Evil is evil, no matter how it gets passed.

I have no doubt you are seeing for yourself how dangerous child placement can be when there is someone practicing deception.

How I wish you had help and support when you most needed it!

Only one?

When I say, "only one" had contact with the body fluids from a deranged afather, I don' t want it to sound minimizing.  He was sexually involved with one of my children.  But, obviously what he did has had an impact on all of my children.  The two older ones have vowed to not be affected by his choices, while the two younger ones only remember the "good daddy."  Yet, it will be the two younger ones who suffer the most.  His abuse of their adoptive sister, in turn, caused her to act out on them in such a horrendous way that it all goes back to the adoptive father!
So yes, Kerry, it was his body-fluids that contaminated, just the same.  His evil did pass on damage to others, with his deception! 
If only someone would have listened to me when I suspected there was something evil going on between my older son and the pastor's son six years ago...  we had a meeting, but everyone thought the pastor's son, at six years old was just a precocious child... but my son and he were both evil and no one would listen to me.
Two years later I found out the truth which involved my two youngest children being victimized!  If only they would have listened, my baby girl wouldn't have suffered those two years of abuse; my son would have been out of the house sooner; my older daughter would not have had those two years to torment the two little kids; the 13 year old would have been spared more abuse; and maybe my evil husband would have been stopped from his abuse of his daughter. 
NO ONE would listen to me!  And then everyone went into super hiding, knowing that mom had been fooled but would need more fooling.  When it all came to light, I faced that preacher's wife, stating, "you didn't care about my son two years ago, but I care about yours; go ask him what happened behind the church on Sunday nights."   She found out the truth. She had a nervous breakdown.  
I did not wish this on them; only that they realize what I had surmised two years before and how it could have stopped back then; and how much damage my baby girl suffered because no one would listen to me.  I went into a deep dark depression over my guilt and shame for not knowing... yet NO ONE reached out to help me, and my EVIL husband took advantage of this situation and upped the sexual involvement with my oldest daughter. 
In my near insanity over all that had happened, more evil developed, until my daughter got herself out of here two years ago.  I got rid of the evil husband and now, finally, the  13 year old is away from my daughter and son.
 Am I to blame?  I take full responsibility for my crawling into the abyss and screaming instead of getting the real help we all needed!  My husband's practice of deception, and his teaching his daughter to do the same, trickled down to abuse of the younger three who were scared chitless.  Helping the enemy is all they knew as self preservation. 
I blame both adults.  Forgive me for only taking 40% to his 60%...  My sad response of, "I did NOT know"  is even sadder when I listen to it myself... but his response of, "I don't know why I did it"  is total denial of who and what he is/was. 
I am in the process of finding out all about why I didn't want to know, and therefore it happened.  But one thing I do know:
He will never use or abuse any of us again.  I must go on searching for the happiness my children and I deserve.  He has
only to account to God, Who, I'm sure will deal out justice for all.

One Step Up From Bottom,

Maybe a brusque question

The fact you have your biological parent's blood in you didn't make you a bad person, so why would that have applied to eventual biological children?

Thank you...

All my life I was indoctrinated with the words of how bad I was; from my parents.  It is so hard to not believe those hideous lies!  Their blood in biological grandchildren, in my estimation would have given them more reason to attack me verbally.  My dad was a racist and my mother spent her time making me look bad.  I spent time shielding my children from his remarks of color and my mother's snide remarks on how I raised my children.  If my children would have been blood related to me then they would have pointed out every flaw as being from me by that blood.  As it was, they were wonderful because they were not blood related to me.  My dad could never see how a racist remark could hurt my children:   Coming back from a visit to a large city for the day:  Did you see any colored people at that church you visited?  WTF?  My parents blood in me is enough shame and punishment for me.  I did not want anything else that means I belong to them.

One Step Up From Bottom,

Pound Pup Legacy