Pound Pup Legacy

I've had a chance to talk to a number of adoptees, and many of us talk about going through periods of depression all of our lives. This depression seems resistant to the usual antidepressant treatments, and I've wondered why this should be.

I've also talked to a number of natural mothers stuggling to understand the children they lost, and want so badly to reconnect with.

I think that many of us adoptees suffer from depression. I know I have all my life. I tried several antidepressants, and was somewhat surprised when they didn't seem to help any. Other adoptees have mentioned this, too. Here's what I've been thinking about:

I think we are depressed for many reasons. Some may have to do with chemical imbalances in the brain, but I think most have to do with the fact that we are struggling to learn who we really are. We've played a role for a long time. We've had people tell us who we are and how we're expected to act for a long time. We've had others define us all our lives.

In the face of this, we've never had a chance to define ourselves. Even looking in the mirror brings questions we cannot answer because we don't know who is looking back, and where that face came from. We never know if what we feel, who we think we are, and how we act is really us, or whether it's something we've been taught (or conditioned to) since day one.

As others grow up and mature, they become settled in their place in a long line of people from whom they came. They hear about how they have their grandfather's eyes, or their mother;s smile - we never hear these things, because no one can tell us these things except those people we come from. I think sometimes we can become even more insecure as we grow older because we've never learned to trust ourselves. So what does this do to us?

It makes us angry, and part of that anger we direct at ourselves. It's not wholly rational to do so, but it is, I think, understandable under the circumstances. We are angry because we are frustrated. We are angry becuase we feel manipulated. We are angry because we feel we have no place. And we are angry because we are afraid. So afraid. Afraid of the world, afraid of others, and afraid of a self we don't know.

I wrote an article before, entitled "Parapettio" In it, I talked about how lost we feel when we start to "wake up" and realize that so much of what we thought we knew is wrong. We don't even have the illusions given us by others anymore. Who wouldn't be dpressed lacking the very identity that people define themselves with?

I won't pretend I have the answer to all this, but I do think, based upon my experience and the experiences of other adoptees I've talked to, that this depression is part of the unavoidable course of events that takes place if we are to evolve.

I once read that anger turned inward is deprssion. I think for adoptees, this can be very true.