Ranch for Troubled Adoptees

I tried to find the source for this, in the Chicago Tribune, but it's no longer available.  So here it is second hand from the TheTransracial Korean Adoptee Nexus

(the blog owner's comments preface the article)

Ranch for troubled adoptees?

Again, thanks to the K@W for this article.  There are way too many things in this article that disturb the living hell out of me.  I do think on one hand it is extremely important to raise awareness of the fact that adoption agencies not only hide medical records to move forward on adoptions, but families are not even close to being equipped to deal with these sort of situations.  And furthermore, it is part of being a parent.  I feel as though the fact their child is adopted gives parents an easy “out” when it comes to troubled kids.  There are definitely troubled biological children in the U.S. who’s parents may give up their children, but to me this “Adoption Disruption” feels a bit more complicated.

First disturbing quote:  “I just say: ‘This is not your fault. You have a screwed-up brain.’And then I do my best to explain why the current situation isn’t working. I tell them, ‘Take something from this. Learn from your experiences.’

Would you really tell a child “you have a screwed up brain.”???!!!

Second disturbing quote:  “For adoptive parents, options are limited He rarely judges those adoptive parents who arrive at this painful conclusion. Sure, one couple sent a one-paragraph e-mail (”just incredibly lame,” Sutley said). But for the most part, such families are held hostage—especially when adoptees act out sexually or falsely allege abuse by their adoptive parents.

Options are limited for adoptive parents?  Families are held hostage?  Sure the behavior is unwanted and disruptive, but by saying that an adoptee is holding a family hostage???…

Something stirs me a bit to hear about these stories (as you can tell).  The fact that there should be a need for a camp for abandoned adoptees, or to even call it a boarding school for adoptees, and then hearing the ways in which these children are thought of just bothers me to no end.

There is definitely something to be said about the growing numbers of adoptees who are going through intense emotional, psychological and medical stress-stresses which seem for the most part to be masked by adoption agencies.  But for parents to simply opt out of the life-binding agreements they made to these children as permanent members of their families is pretty severe.  I do feel as though these adoptive parents have as much responsibility as biological parents of children who are troubled emotionally or medically, to caring for them through thick and thin.  The blame falls on both the shoulders of the agencies ill-preparation for parents, and the parents.

These situations are absolutely unacceptable and for me it illustrates how the popularity and frequency of adoption have outpaced the monumental needs to examine the health disparities and ramifications of both the cultural context of the sending countries, and the lack of health continuity through out the adoption process.

Please read the following article and feel free to post comments or thoughts.  G.S.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-
adopt_rubinjan06,1,6764441.story?page=1&ctrack=1&cset=true

Ranch raises hopes for adoptees

Youths who are so troubled that parents weigh giving up find friend in remote haven

By Bonnie Miller Rubin | Tribune staff reporter

EUREKA, Mont. — At first glance, the children saddling up the horses look like they were cast by Hollywood to play wholesome, athletic, all-American kids. But outward appearances don’t tell the whole story.

For adoptive parents, options are limited One has molested a sibling. Another has tried to kill the family pet. Lying, stealing, vandalism and fire-setting round out the list of transgressions.

Because their parents no longer can manage them at home, the 24 youngsters—almost all international adoptees—have ended up on a special ranch in this remote, rugged corner of northwest Montana.

This is the final stop. Most already have logged countless hours in psychiatric units, wilderness programs and residential treatment
centers, searching for answers to their disturbing behaviors. The goal is that through intense intervention and structure, their conduct will improve sufficiently so they can go home.

But a handful will never return, moving on to new families. They are victims of an expanding phenomenon known as adoption disruption—the official term for when parents attempt to return their adopted children.

“Some parents just can’t do it anymore; they’re done,” said Joyce Sterkel, who runs the Ranch for Kids, a therapeutic boarding
school. “It’s tragic … and everyone is a victim.”

No one appears to keep data on adoption disruption. While still a statistically rare occurrence among the approximately 20,000 foreign-born children adopted by Americans each year, such relinquishment is happening with increasing frequency, experts said.

One Ohio adoption agency reports receiving as many as five calls a day from parents about disruptions, up from just one or two a month a couple of years ago.

“No one knew the magnitude of the problem,” said Sterkel, 60. “The horror stories just keep on coming.”

While dissolutions of domestic adoptions are not unheard of (a decade-long study of 5,750 Illinois children adopted from foster care
through the mid-1980s found a rate of 6.5 percent), it is among the international population where experts are seeing a troubling spike.

Experts blame the jump on a confluence of factors.

First, as Americans adopted more children from overseas—the figures have almost tripled since 1990—the number of children with despairing behaviors grew, and these children are now hitting adolescence, when their rages are more dangerous.

Moreover, many parents were unprepared for the challenges, in part because agencies glossed over their charges’ complex medical histories—or omitted them altogether. “Now, they’re out there all alone … living in a constant state of crisis,” said Amy Groessl, a therapist with the Children’s Research Triangle in Chicago, which serves high-risk families.

Problems lurk beneath surface While some adoptive parents may undertake parenthood with unrealistic expectations, more typically they are merely ill-equipped to cope with profoundly damaged children. Due to one or more of a variety of reasons—among them fetal alcohol syndrome, mental illness, abuse, attachment disorders—the youngsters can’t function in a family, though they show no outward signs of disability.

“These kids are the victims of every kind of abuse you can imagine— sexual, physical, emotional,” said Sterkel, who runs what may be the only therapeutic school exclusively for adopted children.

Parents receive no hint or preparation for the tumultuous road ahead, she said: “They thought love was enough.”

So when the nuclear family melts down, parents must grapple with a heartbreaking choice: “Do we remove this child … or do we all go down?”

Sterkel, a nurse and mother of three grown children, knows the struggles personally as well as professionally.

She witnessed threadbare orphanages when she lived in Russia for two years in the early 1990s as part of a humanitarian relief effort.

After returning to the U.S., Sterkel couldn’t shake the image of Katya, suffering from years of abandonment and neglect. She adopted
her in 1996 at age 10. Two years later came a 14-year-old Russian boy, Sasha.

The oldest of four, Sasha and his siblings were first adopted by a Colorado family, an arrangement that quickly unraveled. Sasha moved on to a second household, also in Colorado, while his two sisters and a brother were split up and placed in several other states.

Soon after, Sasha tried to poison his new mother—slipping crushed pills into her sandwich. Charged with felony assault, he was sent to juvenile detention.

“My new mother told me that I should forget them [his siblings], but I couldn’t,” the 23-year-old said recently, sitting in the ranch’s
cozy kitchen. “I went nuts.”

When Sterkel heard his story, she decided to rescue him. The adoption was finalized in 1999. Today he helps out on the ranch, connecting with angry, hard-to-reach kids like he was.

“I still have a lot of trust issues … especially with women,” said Sasha, his blue-green eyes narrowing. “But life is a lot better now.
Of all the families I’ve had, this one is the best.”

There would be one more son—Michael, now 20—bringing the brood to six.

Ranch built on word of mouth Meanwhile, the word ricocheted around the country that this Montana woman, who speaks conversational Russian, and her husband, Harry Sutley, could offer a respite to parents in crisis. The phone would ring, and before you knew it, the Sterkel-Sutley clan was caring for a dozen or so troubled children.

The wind howls across the craggy landscape here, 5 miles from the Canadian border. There’s plenty of physical activity and virtually
nowhere to run. In the early days, Sterkel didn’t have much of a treatment plan beyond keeping the kids busy and nurtured.

Today the program employs 15, but the youngsters—most between the ages of 12 and 17 but some as young as 4—live in the same Spartan dorms, with their meticulously made beds and family photos on their nightstands.

The blueprint is unchanged: The route to self-esteem is through teamwork and productivity.

The first half of the day is devoted to academics (a former convenience store serves as a one-room schoolhouse), followed by
chores. On a ranch, cows always need milking, ditches digging and fences mending. It’s a bracing change for socially isolated children more accustomed to finding companionship with a TV or computer.

The most coveted time, though, is spent with the horses—also known as equine-assisted psychotherapy. Push a horse and he’ll push back, while hefty doses of kindness, patience and respect will usually yield results. It’s a way to connect with aggressive, angry children and nudge them toward new insights.

Traditional counseling, meanwhile, is available, but only at a parent’s request.

“Here, everyday life is therapy,” said Bill Sutley, Sterkel’s 35-year-old son, an electrical engineer by training and an affable wearer of
numerous hats, from ranch manager to math teacher. His Soviet-born wife, Elena, also works with the children.

The typical stay is 6 months to a year, although some students stay longer. Tuition ranges from $2,950 to $3,500 a month, for room, board and school.

Since 2004, about 150 kids have cycled through, with only six booted out—all within the past year. One severely ill girl lasted just four
days, after swallowing a fistful of batteries. Her parents and insurance already had spent more than $900,000 on treatment, with no
end in sight. (Unlike special-needs kids adopted from the U.S. foster care system, no federal subsidies exist for children from overseas.)

“It takes a lot before Bill and I will cry ‘uncle,’ ” Sterkel said. “But we have the staff to think about.”

From here, about one-third will return home, while another third—mostly those 16 and older—will move on to Job Corps, an education and vocational training program run by the U.S. Department of Labor.

The remaining third will discover that their parents are relinquishing their rights.

Sometimes the task of telling a child that he or she will be joining a new family falls to Bill Sutley.

“I just say: ‘This is not your fault. You have a screwed-up brain.’And then I do my best to explain why the current situation isn’t
working. I tell them, ‘Take something from this. Learn from your experiences.’ “

For adoptive parents, options are limited He rarely judges those adoptive parents who arrive at this painful conclusion. Sure, one couple sent a one-paragraph e-mail (”just incredibly lame,” Sutley said). But for the most part, such families are held hostage—especially when adoptees act out sexually or falsely allege abuse by their adoptive parents.

“Sometimes, parents have no choice … otherwise they risk losing the rest of their family.”

When all efforts have failed, Sterkel starts a new placement process with a call to A Child’s Waiting in Akron, Ohio—one of the few
adoption agencies that works with youths they did not originally place.

Children are listed as green, yellow and red, based on the difficulty of finding replacement families for each.

Their numbers have risen so dramatically that A Child’s Waiting plans to build transitional housing specifically to accommodate that group, said Crissy Kolarik, co-director. “The red kids have the most significant issues, such as sexual predators,” she said.

To help prevent future disruptions, agencies are emphasizing more preadoption training and postadoption support for international
adoptions. Some are telling prospective parents they should assume their children were exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero.

For one north suburban Chicago mom whose foreign-born daughter is at the ranch, the warnings came too late.

Often accused of abuse, she said police and DCFS knocking on her door have no framework for dealing with such an impaired girl. Her short-term solution? To never be alone with the child. She is still undecided about the long term.

“All I can tell you is that we grieve for what might have been.”

0

Before I read the article....

There is something I'd like to discuss, regarding the "sexual acting out" adoptive parents find so repulsive in RAD behavior.

For adoptive parents, options are limited. He rarely judges those adoptive parents who arrive at this painful conclusion. Sure, one couple sent a one-paragraph e-mail (”just incredibly lame,” Sutley said). But for the most part, such families are held hostage—especially when adoptees act out sexually or falsely allege abuse by their adoptive parents.”

As humans, we are sexual beings.  It is wired in our brains to release stress and frustration, or else we WILL go mad and act-out in aggressive, dangerous ways.  The fact that a child will act-out sexually, proves how much internal aggression and confusion is taking place in the mind of a child who feels lost and displaced.  The truth is, orgasm is a form of self-soothing comfort, which (if in the wrong hands, so to speak), sex and orgasm can become very big problems for those not willing to discuss the various alternatives a person has to find stress-relief.

Very sadly, more and more AP's follow the advice that this "behavior problem" can be managed with dopamine blockers/inhibiters, or sedatives.  Perhaps many believe, if you remove the urge to act-out, you have removed the problem.  The problem with this logic is simple: giving these sort of drugs on children will only create more health problems, especially since as we age, our hormones naturally shift, making dopamine regulation a very high risk game that can lead to depression and suicide.

[More information on love and dopamine (and other neuro-chemicals) can be found here: http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/18118]

What stuck out for

What stuck out for me

Parents receive no hint or preparation for the tumultuous road ahead,
she said: “They thought love was enough.”

Obviously, these people don't know what the hell love is to begin with.  So much for "forever" families...

[bobbling]

Yes, as adult adoptees, we can see where "love" is lacking... which is why I think you will find the article "How Love Works" interesting.

Love is not just a feeling, it is a response.... and it needs to be felt as a pleasurable experience, or else it will not last.

Is Love Enough?

In adopting children there needs to be special training on love and what it involves.  To take a child
unseen and say, I'm going to love this child no matter what, is not reasonable.  Love is a progression and sometimes love
is seen as an answer when it is not.  Love is a result of commitment from a stable human being who is willing to take
risks; or has taken risks and found themselves able to hang on when all hell breaks loose.
YES, I thought love would cure all...  and here I sit, after 20 years, learning all about love.  Children are not learning projects,
especially adopted children. 
FOREVER families need mature parents who have a solid support behind them.  Families can expand with any pregnancy,
but FOREVER families need to THINK before expanding.  Preparation for having a child, any way that child is brought in, will
include change.  Everyone moves up the ladder and fits the new one in at the bottom; that's how it works.  The one who was the baby is no longer the baby.  Who prepares that child?  If the baby is adopted, who is preparing the extended family?  Who
sits down and puts on paper what COULD change as well as what WILL change?
LOVE is loosely spoken of and much looser applied when all it takes is a fleeting desire to have a child...  BINGO!  A PAP
is in LOVE with an unknown child!  And then the compulsion of that PAP (especially female) to MAKE IT HAPPEN, drives
the force behind that desire until there is a picture in hand. 
No wonder there are so many people who start out thinking "love is enough."  It doesn't even register until that child is home and those people are saying, "what HAVE I done?"  Imagine what that child is thinking...
Adoption is NOT a warm fuzzy; it's human beings making decisions with their head stuck up their ass!

maybe they should send the

maybe they should send the adoptive parents to camp instead.

it's too bad, and i wonder if, any adoptees have divorced their parents?

adoptee divorcing their parents?

It's a good question. I though about asking "divorce" to my APS when I was at the end of my 20s.
I know a korean adoptee who wanted to dissolve his adoption but apparently, the US laws dont allow adoptees to take such action.
Why is that the APs who made the decision to adopt (thus to create a forever family) have the right to dissolve/disrupt the adoption, while the adoptees who had no choice can't.

there was a movie

but i can't remember the name of it - my daughter saw it and then she wanted to divorce her dad.  we even looked into it, but that option was not available in our state.  our only option was to have a guardian ad litum and for me the mother go to court to prove he was unfit and sue for sole custody, which because she wasn't abused but just wanted to do it as a self-empowerment thing, i was not sure i wanted to go through the expense and ugliness of psych evaluations, social worker visits, and hiring a lawyer and making a case against him.  she eventually forgave me for that.

so once again, it is state by state here.  there must be some figures somewhere. but it would be a wonderfully empowering and symbolic thing to do.
if i can ever think of a meaningful name change, that is also a divorce of some sort.

the movie was irreconcilable differences

with drew barrymore.

Finding Freedom

It seems one cannot "divorce" in a parent-child relationship.  All a child can do is seek emancipation.  [Keeping all "slaves to the adoption industry" comments all to myself, of course...]

In an article, "So You Want to 'Divorce'  Your Parents - A minor's guide to emancipation in California",  http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/107132/so_you_want_to_divorce_your_parentsa.html

In California, there are three ways to achieve emancipation.

The first way is to get married. In California, in order to get married under the age of 18, you need permission from your parents and the courts.

The second way to become emancipated is to join the armed forces. There are two prerequisites for this option. You first need permission from your parents. The armed forces must also accept you.

The third and last way to become emancipated is to get a declaration from a judge. In order to get a declaration, you must prove the following: (1) you are at least 14 years old (2) you don't want to live with your parents and your parents don't have an objection (3) you must show fiscal responsibility (4) you can financially and legally support yourself (5) you must show that emancipation would be beneficial for you.

<Hmm>  Marriage, Military, or Court.

How many of us tried and failed at least one of those 3 options?

[For each state's emancipation laws, you can go to http://topics.law.cornell.edu/wex/table_emancipation and weed your way-through that mumbo-jumbo jargon.]

 

Primary links

Pound Pup Legacy