Making a list, and checking it twice
I have been following the blog-writings of one man who was abused as a child. His posts always amuse me, because his writing is not about finding answers, as much as they reflect "confessions of the hidden soul".
Today he posted a list, "How being abused as a child affected my life."
I realized, after reading his list, how and why I enjoy lists and quizzes so much... I like to do the game of "compare and contrast", so I can see for myself how and where I fit within a certain group.
I like to be told where I "fit in". Good bad or indifferent, the placement within the group never matters, just as long as I feel like I can fit in. As long as I have identity, I'm ok. Adoption issue? I don't know.
Acceptance v. rejection.
Does that issue, fear of rejection, ever go away?
Comments
between belonging and being alone
I've always had the fear to fit in, while at the same time being afraid of rejection. I feel most comfortable if I can have my own singular niche, in the twilight zone between belonging and being alone. Whenever I feel forced to assume a position within a group, I will become rebelious and even when I have my prefered niche, I usually sabotage it anyway.
Self-sabotage
I see my own fear of failure being the source of self-sabotage. I believe it all links back to feelings of insecurity.... but it's a primal sense of insecurity that had developed into all sorts of strange minions full of "self-doubt".
I think in essence, I'm always asking myself: "Am I worthy of this happiness?"
More often than not, the minions-in-me say: "NO!"
Just another reason
This is why I CHOOSE to fit in here... WORDS that are also my words!
"Am I worthy of happiness?"
"where I 'fit in'. "
"Does that issue, fear of rejection, ever go away?"
IMO, it has to do with WHO rejected you. WHEN the first rejection happened and was it continuous. My first rejection was with words from my bmother. She had a way of letting me know, even though I couldn't yet talk. The attitude in her words
were full of disappointment, and her tone helped me to learn language very early in life. I also learned where I did not fit in.
I can react in a split-second to ANY perceived tone that is less than positive and place the rejection right on me.
It took me a long time to realize that I self-sabotage every chance for happiness. "Am I worthy of happiness?" Yes, and
so are you; except, how do we convince ourselves to accept happiness? Words are sharper than any two-edged sword.
And to someone who has many scars to prove the wounding by words, happiness just might not be worth it.
One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy
Second chances
I can understand how the rejection of your bmother hurt you. It's a rejection that defies comprehension, unless (as an adult), you start seeing "the mother" more like a person who had problems with depression or some other type of dysfunction. This is not an excuse as much as a reason for "rejection". For instance, I know many adoption cases where the bmother was suffering from severe post-partum depression, and while the mother was sent to an institution ("unfit to parent due to mental illness"), the child got placed for adoption. [One such case belongs to Joel Lee Domingues, http://poundpuplegacy.org/joel_lee_domingues . That is perhaps the worst/most tragic adoption-story I have ever read!]
It's only been within the last decade or so PPD has become a recognized disorder that doctors/medical professionals are trying to prevent/treat through education and support. [The following link gives very good information about PPD, http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/postpartum.htm]
So, birth-issues aside, I'm curious, as one who knows what it's like to be rejected by your mother, how would you have felt if your mother/father replacements were just as disinterested and cruel to you?
How would you have felt if everyone who knew you were adopted said, "You're so lucky to be adopted", knowing damn well your new-and-improved adoptive family "chosen for you" was no better than any other abusive family out-there?
Do you begin to think things like "luck" and "happiness" are given only to the chosen few? (I used to see the lucky-happy adoptions proof that there are ugly bastards like me, born never to be deeply loved, and beautiful people born to be loved, protected AND respected. Yet another "Us v. Them" conflict that confused the crap out of me!)
How do I feel?
I'm rather warped when it comes to feelings about my beginnings because I was one who sat and watched other families and wondered how they did that: seemed happy with each other; laughed and cried together; stuck up for each other... it put me in a trance as I watched.
"So, birth-issues aside, I'm curious, as one who knows what it's like to be rejected by your mother, how would you have felt if your mother/father replacements were just as disinterested and cruel to you?
Kerry, in being ME, I believe I would have felt the same way: lost and bewildered by the differences in my family as those families I stared at all the time. I tried to please, but then I railed out at the unfairness of it all by being the "sorry child" I was always being told I was. I am not saying it was exactly the same; but rejection destroys while the reactions do seem familiar to those of a rejected adopted child. There was NO ONE to defend me or see what was happening. It was drilled into me at a very young age that I was not what she had wanted and her disappointment was vented in words and tone and facial mannerisms. I was told that my biological family did not want me (they lived miles away) because I was .... what??? what was so wrong with me that I was kept from my biological family for so many years??? I longed to know my grandparents and uncles, aunts and cousins, who were few and far between. Once a year we made the trip "back home" and for four days I was kept from them, only to see them for a meal or picnic where I knew no one. NO ONE tried to know me... they had already been told how different I was and how bad... I WAS NOT BAD! They did not want it told what had happened to me so until I was 13 we lived miles away.
I never heard words from anyone about how lucky I was; I heard words of pity for my parents (from every person involved in my education that she lied to) and how they would help in watching out that I did not .... WHAT???? what was I supposed to have done that was so wrong? My two-headed monster KNEW about the sexual abuse because I had told her; so, obviously I was a bad child. Betrayal was total and from birth, on... and everyone who came in contact with me was "warned."
KERRY: (I used to see the lucky-happy adoptions proof that there are ugly bastards like me, born never to be deeply loved, and beautiful people born to be loved, protected AND respected. Yet another "Us v. Them" conflict that confused the crap out of me!)
TEDDY: I used to see the lucky-happy biological families as proof that there was happiness out there, but not for me: UGLY biological child, born NEVER to be deeply loved. I remember the young couple down the street who had a picture of a Korean baby they were adopting (1957) and how happy they were; I was stunned that someone would be happy to have a baby at all. I will never forget that picture or their joy. And yet, in my fragile mind, I have this image of me picking that baby's picture up off the ground, all crumpled up and looking at it... wouldn't a psychiatrist have fun with those images??
One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy
I like reading your posts
You help remind me bad (pathological) parenting is BAD parenting, regardless of it's origin. It saddens me deeply so little is done to help prevent the pain that becomes a family legacy.
It has become clear to me, there is a huge need for free parenting classes, and I think a good place to start these classes is in highschool, where older kids are learning more details about pregnancy and STD prevention in their sex-ed classes.
Just for "fun", if you were to make a list of "Good Parenting" skills and requirements, what would they be?
I know on top of my list would be:
Requirements:
1. All prospectives parents (biological or adopted) would be required to have a signed family plan which would hold
every member of that family (immediate and extended) responsible to that new child for its safety, love, nurturing and
the promise of a home if the parents die or split the family... NO child should go outside the family to search for a home.
2. From the time of the birth, there would be a will that states every child (biological or adopted) in the family will share alike and what that would include. NO exceptions/contesting after the parents have died.
One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy