? no subject!!

shit guys. I quit yet another job. ok...so I'm dealing with this drinking thing. I don't want to drink. I haven't drank heavily in a very long time, but I've struggled with it for some reason. I drank once to escape the abuse and then overdosed and then landed in the hospital/rehab and when they asked me if I drank or smoked pot I wanted to be honest even though I know the underlying problem was really the abuse. then I ran away to california where my life completely changed I got married, got divorced, realized I had been sexually abused as a child, went back to california and started a new life. I had the similar problems there dealing with people thinking everybody was my parents...when they weren't and being afraid of everybody. I was living in my car and nobody ever knew. I got every job I applied for and felt like I was living a double life. literally. I kept stuff in my trunk actually and lived in the lobby of a really really reallyyy nice apt complex because the sec guard became my friend.
then I met a random person at the gas station and he invited me to a seminar called landmark education. have any of you heard of this? it's like est...but that was in the 70's and by this time I was willing to do anything to figure out what was "wrong" with me. I forgave my parents and felt a huge weight lifted off but I Started drinking again because it was all about self empowerment etc.
I just wish I could have good relationships with people...get close to people easily, trust people etc. The seminar said that the past doesn't make a difference...it's dead and gone which I totally believe but I suppose it's just true that you can forgive but not forget. And I'm sure they said that too. (they said everything)
anyway...I'm rambling and just would like to KEEP a job!!! and now ...oh so in college...my psych teacher, I had been reading soooo much looking for my calling and so on,...because I just wanted to know what it was that I was supposed to do with my life...I wanted to have a purpose..and so then he told us. about a certain personality...that they are actors...because they've been through EVERYTHING and their emotions are on the surface and etc etc...and he said sure, anybody can be an actor but if you're really good and it's meant to be and there was just meaning in that to me...but I felt too embarrassed to tell anybody and really haven't told anybody except a couple people who are actors and they totally understand...anyway, other than that-I haven't taken much action towards this-I have gotten a couple agents in LA and chicago but I don't even know what I'm doing!!! do you guys ever think you have problems taking action??? ok well this is what I really want to do with my life--and I feel afraid to tell anybody because I feel afraid of success. Is that aaaaaah something having to do with what happened with us?? because of course I know a lot of people have this same thing but you know..
ah <3

I just feel really upset that I don't have a job right now. :(


Fear of failure

It's the story of my life!!!!  There is no greater pressure than feeling as if "everything has to be perfect".  It took me ages to figure-out, "perfect, for whom?"

I think drinking and numbing the sense of anxiety is very common for people like us.  [I laugh when I think about the stories told to adoptees that their parents were alcoholics, when in fact turning to a drink is a stress reaction that gets taught through our surroundings.]  Only you know if your drinking is a "drinking problem", or simply your response and reaction to the problems you are facing.  There's no shame in admitting either is the case.  Only you can decide if you are ready to change your drinking patterns.  Been there, done that, many times.... and not once was it easy.  Taking control never is.

I just wish I could have good relationships with people...get close to people easily, trust people etc. The seminar said that the past doesn't make a difference...it's dead and gone which I totally believe but I suppose it's just true that you can forgive but not forget. And I'm sure they said that too. (they said everything)

Trust is the key-issue, so I don't believe the past doesn't make a difference.  It makes a HUGE difference when a person can't even trust her own parents not to hurt or betray their own child.  If a child doesn't have the protection of a parent, who's protection IS there?  This is where I believe the dis-placed child -- the one who gets placed among untrustworthy strangers --  walks a different life-path than those who grew-up having a sense of trust within the family-unit.  For instance, you say you forgive your parents.  Which ones?  All four?  Did they ask for your forgiveness, or did you feel like you had to offer it to move-on with your life?

Honestly, I think there are somethings in my life I CANNOT forgive, and I don't think it's within my human-nature to be all-forgiving.   You know what?  It's OK to not forgive someone when that forgiveness comes from the mind, and not the heart.  Saying the words don't make it true... so maybe the first person you need to offer heart-felt forgiveness is YOU.   After all, what good is it doing all the right things, when inside you are still feeling like a complete failure?  


Hatred is only a feeling, albeit a very strong and assertive one. Like any other feeling, it is a sign of our vitality. So if we try to suppress it, there will be a price to pay. Hatred tries to tell us something about the injuries we have been subjected to, and also about ourselves, our values, our specific sensitivity. We must learn to pay heed to it and understand the message it conveys. If we can do that, we no longer need to fear hatred. If we hate hypocrisy, insincerity, and mendacity, then we grant ourselves the right to fight them wherever we can, or to withdraw from people who only trust in lies. But if we pretend that we are impervious to these things, then we are betraying ourselves.

The almost universal, but in fact highly destructive, injunction to forgive our "trespassers" encourages such self-betrayal. Religion and traditional morality constantly prize forgiveness as a virtue, and in numerous forms of therapy it is erroneously recommended as a path to "healing." But it is easy to demonstrate that neither prayer nor auto-suggestive exercises in "positive thinking" are able to counteract the body's justified and vital responses to humiliations and other injuries to our integrity inflicted on us in early childhood. The martyrs' crippling ailments are a clear indication of the price they had to pay for the denial of their feelings. So would it not be simpler to ask whom this hatred is directed at, and to recognize why it is in fact justified? Then we have a chance of living responsibly with our feelings, without denying them and paying for this "virtue" with illnesses.

I would be suspicious if a therapist promised me that after treatment (and possibly thanks to forgiveness) I would be free of undesirable feelings like rage, anger, or hatred. What kind of person would I be if I could not react, temporarily at least, to injustice, presumption, evil, or arrogant idiocy with feelings of anger or rage? Would that not be an amputation of my emotional life? If therapy really has helped me, then I should have access to ALL my feelings for the rest of my life, as well as conscious access to my own history as an explanation for the intensity of my responses. This would quickly temper that intensity without having serious physical consequences of the kind caused by the suppression of emotions that have remained unconscious.

In therapy I can learn to understand my feelings rather than condemn them, to regard them as friends and protectors instead of fearing them as something alien that needs to be fought against. Though our parents, teachers, or priests may have taught us to practice such self-amputation, we must ultimately realize that it is in fact very dangerous. There can be no doubt that we are then the victims of severe mutilation.

from: What is hatred? by Alice Miller


in all honesty, the thing you do which most worries me is the seminar thing.

EST, "the Secret", Dianetics, Dr. Phil with his lists, etc. are, to me, the same thing as drinking or drugging.  They are applying a bandage to a wound.
The problem is, they are a one-size-fits-all bandage applied to some very specific and complex wounds. 
We can interpret these things to be whatever we need them to be at the time. 

I know way too many people who bounce (over time) from human potential movement to empowerment seminar to power of positive thinking to spiritualism to (oh, the list here in the west coast is too huge) and they are either always moving on to the next quest or locked into some guru and purchasing materials and arranging their lives around seminars, encounters, and spiritual retreats. 

i can't see that this is a solution.  i CAN understand how some of their positive messages are valuable.  but i can also see how these groups take advantage of vulnerable people by promising relief, self-improvement and possibly enlightenment, yet delivering generic messages that superficially apply to anybody.  and it's a social phenomenon, so you are surrounded with people all nodding their heads in unison and saying they believe in you.  it's extremely affirming.  unnaturally affirming.  dangerously affirming.  it's also a billion dollar industry. 

i believe that what we all here have to grapple with takes much harder, less glamorous, more introspective work, and that group seminars can't possibly heal us. 

i know a lot of people wouldn't be willing to say such things to challenge your belief system, but
i do care and want you to participate in what will, ultimately, serve your bests interests in the most valuable way over time. 

to me, the very worst time to be open to group thinking is when we are vulnerable and asking questions like you are asking here.  wanting to believe in something/someone and giving people your trust and access to your brain at times like this is a recipe for exploitation. 

[Dare I nod????]

Very well-put!

I have found the best "therapy" is good old-fashioned soul-searching... which means first  I had to learn HOW to "share my thoughts and feelings" and then limit my sharing to those who knew from personal experience what sort of real trouble-spots people like me go through.  [That's not at all easy to do when so many of us don't trust others or want to open-up to rah-rah-let-me-help-you types.]

Face-it, many of us are messed-up... but the good news is we are NOT nearly as alone as we often feel when sitting in a room filled with nodding feel-good strangers.

Doing this sort of self-help is dark, it's ugly, and not at all pleasant or easy... but  when you weed-out the sweet-nothings from the hard-core crap, you will find substance from experience will always beat text-book fluff.  Walk with caution, and ask a lot of questions.  You'll find your way....



i'm not sure anyone addressed the acting.
so i'll step up and play dear abby here...

first and foremost:

you have to keep your objectives in mind-

so far, from what you've posted now and previoiusly, they seem to be:

  1. get outta mom & dad's house
  2. start your acting career

write that somewhere you can see it all the time
think about that all the time
don't let anything you do sabotage that
you HAVE to keep your next job to accomplish objective number 1.

have you tried a temp agency?  being a semi-permanent floater is actually pretty great.  you don't have to make any long term commitments.  you're always the fun new kid in town.  you never have to get dragged down by office politics.  you get to do different things. if you like a place and they like you, they often hire permanently.  there is always an exit door, and there is always a job, as long as you let everyone - the agency and your temporary job - know how long you plan to stay.

working a temp job might also work around an acting career, which requires flexibility, since there is very short notice on casting calls and also short notice on screen tests and callbacks.  a night job might be better as well, if temping is not your thing.

take some acting workshops and classes.  you'll network that way.  you'll get to practice emoting publicly. 

what i tell my kids is:

people pay you for work and call it a job because it's not something anybody wants to do for free
if you look at a job only as a MEANS to an end and DIVORCE it from representing you or your meaning in life , then you deflate its looming largess dominating and oppressing you.  - it just becomes a slightly annoying necessary evil at that point, and the time passes quicker and the work becomes much easier to swallow and get the hell over with.  so you can move onto your REAL WORK that fulfills you.

at some point you can turn that on its head.  or maybe not, since making a living can also suck the meaning out of work and become less fulfillling.

that's why you should take an acting workshop.  you need to be inspired, doing actual work, networking with actual peers giving you a goal beyond work, but giving your work a reason - that being to ferry you on to your objectives - those ones you always keep in front of you.


Pound Pup Legacy