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shit guys. I quit yet another job. ok...so I'm dealing with this drinking thing. I don't want to drink. I haven't drank heavily in a very long time, but I've struggled with it for some reason. I drank once to escape the abuse and then overdosed and then landed in the hospital/rehab and when they asked me if I drank or smoked pot I wanted to be honest even though I know the underlying problem was really the abuse. then I ran away to california where my life completely changed I got married, got divorced, realized I had been sexually abused as a child, went back to california and started a new life. I had the similar problems there dealing with people thinking everybody was my parents...when they weren't and being afraid of everybody. I was living in my car and nobody ever knew. I got every job I applied for and felt like I was living a double life. literally. I kept stuff in my trunk actually and lived in the lobby of a really really reallyyy nice apt complex because the sec guard became my friend.
then I met a random person at the gas station and he invited me to a seminar called landmark education. have any of you heard of this? it's like est...but that was in the 70's and by this time I was willing to do anything to figure out what was "wrong" with me. I forgave my parents and felt a huge weight lifted off but I Started drinking again because it was all about self empowerment etc.
I just wish I could have good relationships with people...get close to people easily, trust people etc. The seminar said that the past doesn't make a difference...it's dead and gone which I totally believe but I suppose it's just true that you can forgive but not forget. And I'm sure they said that too. (they said everything)
anyway...I'm rambling and just would like to KEEP a job!!! and now ...oh so in college...my psych teacher, I had been reading soooo much looking for my calling and so on,...because I just wanted to know what it was that I was supposed to do with my life...I wanted to have a purpose..and so then he told us. about a certain personality...that they are actors...because they've been through EVERYTHING and their emotions are on the surface and etc etc...and he said sure, anybody can be an actor but if you're really good and it's meant to be and there was just meaning in that to me...but I felt too embarrassed to tell anybody and really haven't told anybody except a couple people who are actors and they totally understand...anyway, other than that-I haven't taken much action towards this-I have gotten a couple agents in LA and chicago but I don't even know what I'm doing!!! do you guys ever think you have problems taking action??? ok well this is what I really want to do with my life--and I feel afraid to tell anybody because I feel afraid of success. Is that aaaaaah something having to do with what happened with us?? because of course I know a lot of people have this same thing but you know..
I just feel really upset that I don't have a job right now. :(