my scar

my scar is real.

i carry it with me every day.

it is about the length of a quarter.  just below my lowest left rib.  it always looked like a circular banana slice

i haven't looked at it in a long, long time.

i'm looking at it now.

it used to be more round, i swear to god.  smooth and bumpy.  born of trauma.  not a birthmark. 
it has always stayed the same size, even as i grew - so it used to seem huge, but seems small now.
i used to like to run my hands over it.  i must have looked strange doing that, as a kid.
i used to ask every doctor what they thought it was, and none could tell me. 
i always thought it was a burn.
haven't thought about it in years, actually.

today is a new discovery!  or maybe i'm just seeing it clearly for the first time!

it is NOT round and there is a barely perceptible crease running through the length of it.

there are two darker spots along that crease that are dimpled, equi-distant apart.

it looks to be a really badly badly stitched hole.

i wish my scar could talk.

maybe my scar could tell me why i have always, always been solemn
but why i have always had some basic self esteem
and why i am so positive my birthday is correct.
maybe my scar could tell me my name.

i love my scar. 

it's all that i came to america with.

my memento of korea.


The not knowing...

I joke that I have so many scars on my body, if I were in a severe accident that ruined my teeth and face, I could still be identified by all the scars on my body.

At least I know the origins of my visible scars.  Each one tells a story that triggers a memory (which often leads to all sorts of wounded places inside of me....)

The not knowing where a scar came from... what caused it... that would bother me.  If you were adopted with that scar already present, wouldn't any recorded mention of it be within your adoption papers?  I know in my case, my amother saw in one of the first pictures sent by the agency, the shape of my head "didn't look right".  That issue became a topic of written concern, which is the only record I have of that period of my life.  [I no longer have a misshapen head, but it's nice to know that disturbed my amother so much, she wanted it addressed/fixed before I was released into her custody.]

there is nothing in korean

there is nothing in korean adoption papers except generic drivel, probably all lies.  i paraphrase here:

"litttle yung sook is a happy little girl that makes friends easily and talks in sing song.  because of her age, she will adjust easily to life in a new country"

no mention of anything else.

the scar fascinates me - it is just as mysterious as why i guarded my food as i ate and hoarded my things, i'm sure this is common for us intercountry transracials, these unexplained things - behaviors, scars.

it bothers me more that it is hidden from view.  it would feel better worn as a badge.

note to myself to ask once again beg transracial abductees to make a t-shirt out of theiri logo


I find "hoarding" is a very common feature in lots of adoptees.  I do/did it with letters and food, keeping a special hiding spot in my room as my "safety-zone".  [There's a poll-question related to this: ]

My grandmother always used to compain how I always ate as if I had never eaten before.  [This used to bother my amother a lot, because I think she thought it reflected badly on her, my "always being hungry".]

Last but not least, I also keep weird keepsakes from places I have traveled.  Usually it's cheap crap that no one else would care to look at or steal, making my little worthless treasures that much more meaningful in that "keep-sake" sort of way!  It takes me a very long time to part with anything that has any measure of "a good-memory" for me.

Strange Hoarding

My hoarding is quite strange, I think...  I buy my kids and myself MANY pairs of shoes and coats; they have 30 outfits
each and just now am I able to let them ruin an outfit.  Dirty, yes, but not ruin.  They had all the accessories to match
and I would buy more.  Does anyone have a clue why I would do this?
As for food: always have to have chocolate milk in the house.  There are foods I was not allowed to have when I was
a child: my dad ate cottage cheese but I was not allowed to have it because it was his.  I can eat a whole carton of
cottage cheese in one setting, now.  I didn't eat with my parents, but my mother bribed me with food. 

One Step Up From Bottom,


My oldest son is 20 years old.  He had surgery when he was one month old for Annular Pancreas and he about died.  I saw the huge scars on him in pictures.  When I arrived in Dr. Cho's Holt office in Seoul, South Korea, (he was 6 months old) the first thing I did was go and kiss his enormous scars because I knew they could only be his; they could never switch babies on me and I felt such peace knowing him when I saw him.
Cherish your scar because it belongs to you; and SOMEONE out there would know you by that scar.

One Step Up From Bottom,

Pound Pup Legacy