The real Kris said
we have had issues especially with our second guy who was 13 months old at adoption, he grieved alot
i never grieved openly. i didn't act up. i didn't cry. i didn't complain. i smiled and laughed when i was supposed to. i tried really hard to make the best of what was a powerless untenable position. i was docile and easy-going, perhaps a poster child for what every adoptive parents wants of an adoptee. i never could explain or talk about the very real grief i was carrying inside me. and if i had been asked if there was anything about my adoption that made me unhappy, i would have lied and returned only rosey rhetoric, wrapped in adorable-ness, who is going to dispute that?
why did I not express myself? because motherhood was the only role that defined my mother. without a child to fill her nest, she had no life. her wish for me to view her favorably was so palpable it almost had mass. it was a huge presence. one that i had the ability to slay. but i didn't, because even as a child i had a sense of diplomacy and politics and a desire to not inflict harm, even to those that harm me. it was everything and all she had. what kid is going to be able to truly express themselves faced with that?
so we could talk about adoption or my home country or things i had to deal with, sure. we could talk about everything BUT the one thing that really mattered to me -
being ripped from my home country. NOT by the agency, NOT by the government. but by these two people i was forced to live with. people who can't acknowledge the truth that they severed me from my home country.
but talking about anything resembling dissent or my very real pain, which might invoke guilt or cause her to examine herself was off of the table. and i believe she recognized that quality in me and honed her missionary adoption rhetoric - we chose you, love is all that is needed to make a family, etc. in just the right way to keep it off the table. that, to me, is manipulative and the antithesis of love, but it worked - i didn't discuss how i truly felt from ages 3 until 43. four decades. but well,
i'm grieving now
at what time did your grieving begin? has it ever ended? did you have the freedom to express yourself? what topics are so loaded your parents can't deal wiith them?