at what time did your grieving begin? has it ever ended?

The real Kris said

we have had issues especially with our second guy who was 13 months old at adoption, he grieved alot

i never grieved openly.  i didn't act up.  i didn't cry.  i didn't complain.  i smiled and laughed when i was supposed to.  i tried really hard to make the best of what was a powerless untenable position.  i was docile and easy-going, perhaps a poster child for what every adoptive parents wants of an adoptee.  i never could explain or talk about the very real grief i was carrying inside me.  and if i had been asked if there was anything about my adoption that made me unhappy, i would have lied and returned only rosey rhetoric, wrapped in adorable-ness, who is going to dispute that? 

why did I not express myself?  because motherhood was the only role that defined my mother.  without a child to fill her nest, she had no life.  her wish for me to view her favorably was so palpable it almost had mass.  it was a huge presence.  one that i had the ability to slay.  but i didn't, because even as a child i had a sense of diplomacy and politics and a desire to not inflict harm, even to those that harm me.  it was everything and all she had.  what kid is going to be able to truly express themselves faced with that? 

so we could talk about adoption or my home country or things i had to deal with, sure.  we could talk about everything BUT the one thing that really mattered to me -
being ripped from my home country.  NOT by the agency, NOT by the government.  but by these two people i was forced to live with. people who can't acknowledge the truth that they severed me from my home country.

but talking about anything resembling dissent or my very real pain, which might invoke guilt or cause her to examine herself was off of the table.  and i believe she recognized that quality in me and honed her missionary adoption rhetoric - we chose you, love is all that is needed to make a family, etc. in just the right way to keep it off the table.   that, to me, is manipulative and the antithesis of love,  but it worked - i didn't discuss how i truly felt from ages 3 until 43.  four decades.  but well,

i'm grieving now

at what time did your grieving begin?  has it ever ended?  did you have the freedom to express yourself?  what topics are so loaded your parents can't deal wiith them?

0

Age of onset

Although my adoption was never a "secret", everything that related to the facts behind my final placement have been.

My memories of feeling loss and grief have always revolved around my birthday.  [Gives new-meaning to having a self-loathing pity-party, doesn't it?]

The one haunting thought that surrounds me on the anniversary of that fate-filled day remains:  "Has everything been forgotten, or am I being remembered?" 

I think the one of the worst burdens in the world is to be left alone with memories (and feelings) that can't be shared.

recurrent grieving

I think the one of the worst burdens in the world is to be left alone with memories (and feelings) that can't be shared.

that's so true.  it's physical.

so you grieve every birthday.  that could explain why i don't celebrate mine.  maybe i will try and channel my grief into a birthday memorial or something symbolic like that.

for the adoptive parents here

when a child hurts because of something you did
but you can do no wrong
that negates the perceived hurt and invalidates the child's feelings.

and when it is something as fundamental and primary like being ripped from another country to live with strangers, your role in that is a pretty huge thing to negate or discount.
the fact that you can deny any part of that will not add up in your child's heads, no matter how much it is apparent you love them.

and of course this is going to be an issue, even if they don't talk about it - how could it not be?

is this the foundation you want your relationship to be based on?
all the attention, hugs, toys, care, and sensitivity you can give them
will not cover up or make up for your deception to yourself and your child.
and by not letting your children know you recognize ALL aspects of adoption and the ugly as well as the good things you have done, by not opening yourself up to criticism and making it safe to criticize you, then you are shooting yourself in the foot, because that's a whole level of intimacy and honesty between the two of you that you will never know.

Let's not be one-sided

I have a difficult time blaming all the ills of adoption on those who adopt.  After all, we WERE relinquished - both my parent and mother-land. 

Because I was never "allowed" to openly discuss my feelings about the mommy I so desperately missed, I was denied the opportunity to discuss the anger I felt towards a father who should have kept me from being relinquished and sent-away in the first place.  Why didn't anyone from either side of my first-family want to keep me within their clan?

These are issues I never got to discuss because it would upset and offend far too many people.

This is where adoption gets very difficult because it's not a triangle or any other geometric shape... adoption reflects the circle of life that gets easily divided by actions like "abandonment" and "neglect".  These are acts that affect generations to come, regardless of a child's last legal name.

it was not my point to be

it was not my point to be one sided.  i have an earful for my birth parents and birth country as well.

but no adoptive parent who selectively looks at their own role in adoption can truly claim they did and continue to do all they can for their child. 
like kimette stated below - i always loved my mom and appreciated what she did do for me - but that unspoken, unaddressed issue prevented us from truly being close and having a deep relationship. 

i am trying to do adoptive parents a favor by pointing this out.
picking and choosing what you present to your child so you remain blemish free only shows your children you can't be trusted with their deepest emotions and what your real priorities are.

and i am not blaming and saying they are all monsters.

i'm saying that what they're avoiding could be the key to something more real and more valuable.

I was one-sided before.

I used to be one-sided. I was angry only at my birth country  and  my birth family (particularly my eldest sister and my birth father) for rejecting me, for selling me and for making of me a scum of their society. I hate my Korean body  since I have been assimilated.
The feelings of being sold and rejected poppped up like a smack on my face which I wasn't expecting to receive; They popped out the day before going back to Korea  to serach my birth family in 2001. Once there, I cried every day; I didn't even try to hide my tears from the stragers walking in the street of Seoul. I didn't know what those feelings were; I only wanted to think about finding them and I didn't want to try to put words to those feelings.

I never blamed my adoptive parents or those who adopted/adopt.  For me, they were the generous people wanting to adopt and love persons like me, a scum of my birth country. I was a pro-adoption. Being a pro-adoption is being a happy adoptee in the language of the adoption industry. I was angry at Holt agency but I always thought they made a mistake in my case and that they were good people like born again Christians should be.That's why  I brought money and gifts for disable people to Holt Ilsan Town and I went to. I even stayed with Ms Holt at her house and told her that I always have been angry at her and her parents. She told me about a mistake happened with another adoptee.

I went back to Korea a second time two years later after another unsuccesful suicide. Then I realized that I hated Korea since the day I read my adoption record but I ignored it, I denied it and I hid it deep inside me. I had a love/hate relationship with my birth land for selling me to a foreign country, for rejecting me, for erasing my past and for lying. I always hated my motherland more than my birth family. I can't ignore them, nor deny them anymore. Now that Korea is a rich country, I hate it with all my heart more than before. I also discovered more lies made by the adoption agency and realized that I hated them too. There are some moments where I love my birth land, I miss it and I cry for it. Sometime, I want to go back there and some other time, I want to erase it from my memory. The last time I went to Korea, I yelled from a mountain in Seoul that I hate Korea. I swore myself to forget it, to erase it from my memory like they did with me and I told everyone that it was my last time there. I promised myself to marry someone, any man in Canada. Few weeks after I came back, I started to think again of going back there.

I became angry at AP and PAP adoting from Korea, these days, not those who adopted in the past years. By chance, I found a korean adoptees forum where I started to putting words to my feelings and to acknowledge the sorrow and the pain in me.  Since less than a year,  I'm not one-sided  and I also blame the adoption agency, AP and the PAP. Yes, I blame them for fueling the child traficking and child-abandonment, for their "I want a baby absolutely, I want to become a parent absolutely, I want someone else's baby, no matter the cost". I blame  for changing their  "I want" to "the best interest of a child".

I am now an anti-adoption. I am against international/transracial adoption. In the adoption industry, being an anti-adoption means being an angry adoptee. My opinion about adoption  used to count when I was a "happy adoptee"; now it doesn't count because I had "bad" adoptive parents but  I'm not going to hide anymore that I was abused by my adoptive family. The opinion of angry adoptees who are against adoption doesn't count either even if they have the best (adoptive) parents in the world.

The opinion should be had by many

There are many reasons why an adoptee should be angry... but anger does not have mean "irrational" and anger is not the same as "panicked" or "crazy".  [I used to hate when my ap's would want calm rational explanations for the things they didn't see.  Their disbelief in my thoughts and opinions simply made all my thoughts a confusing, frustrated mess.]

With so many hidden adoption issues to discuss for future reform, the one issue that cannot wait, and deserves the anger of more and more people is simple:  adoption does NOT cure or prevent child neglect OR abuse.  Just because abuse is not part of one adoptees experience doesn't mean it's not happening in adopted families.

The contamination caused by strangers needs to stop.

no - your words are mine

i, too, was one-sided.  i rejected my birthparents and my birth country for rejecting me and even though i was not happy with the situation i was in, i was pro adoption because it was all i COULD be within that framework. 

But today, i am more educated and once you have been educated, there is no way to throw support behind something so fundamentally flawed.  i blame everyone who was an adult who had their hands in it, that's who i blame.  and every single one of those parties refuses to recognize they do anything wrong.

and you're right - it sucks that we are poster children when we are accepting without question, but if we begin to scratch our heads and ask some fundamental questions that don't add up - then we become a threat - to adoptive parent and potential adoptive parent self image - to people's livelihood in the industry - and to politicians and countries that didn't do their jobs.

i begin my search for my birth family records this winter, after the high season of returning korean adoptees seeking reunion is over.  of course, i am ambivalent about everything.  i just want to connect with something.  even if it is an artifact.  Maybe the following year i can save enough to travel there.   i'm hoping i will no longer hate korea or be afraid of koreans anymore. 

your words are mine...

i never grieved openly. i didn't act up. i didn't cry. i didn't complain. i smiled and laughed when i was supposed to. i tried really hard to make the best of what was a powerless untenable position. i was docile and easy-going, perhaps a poster child for what every adoptive parents wants of an adoptee. i never could explain or talk about the very real grief i was carrying inside me.

You words are mine...

 For me, it was like everything was okay. I knew something was wrong with my adoption but I though it was only a mistake. I though adoption was a good thing.  If I had the best parents of the world wanting to dialogue, I wouldn't  have known what to say. My feelings were very well buried. I knew that I was unhappy deep inside me but I refused to think about it. I was in survival mode and denial mode.

The first time someone questioned me directly, I was around 30. A lady  was worried about her grand son who was adopted from Vietnam. She said he has always been rebellious with his adoptive parents. I answered that he will be OK someday and I though: "what an ungrateful adoptee". Hahaha! I believed every messages that I heard in the society. I was grateful for being adopted and I also though adoption was the best thing and the best option. I believed every parents to be generous.

I was 34 when I started grieving (after finding my birth family) but I kept it for myself. I had no words to talk about what I felt.  About a year ago, at 39, when I discovered the site transracial abductees, it was the first step to grieve openly though internet. It helps to know that I'm not the only adoptee in the world to feel the "wrong feelings"....

kind of like the homestudy

you're so right about there being "right" and "wrong" feelings.

being the smart people we are, we knew just what our parents wanted to hear
and conversely, just what could never ever be heard or listened to or accepted as our own valid feelings.
and they seemed perfectly willing to accept that.  we went along with it because we had to.

as a parent, i've gone out of my way to abolish any charades such as this, always acknowledged every flaw and accepted any blame for anything i've done which affected them in ways they didn't appreciate, and we can talk about this and have a wonderful relationship.  i can't imagine accepting or giving anything less just so i can save face.

Free with feelings

I have learned, through my own emotional metamorphosis that feelings can be neither right nor wrong.  They are what they are, caused by the actions and reactions of others.  [Common sense and physics dictate the brain's response to external action will cause an internal reaction.]  As an adult, it's my job to find a way to deal with the carnage left by many.  [This is my baggage, and I have no choice but own it... I only wished to God it wasn't thrown at me the way it was.]

"Ungrateful" is the tag-word most add to the abused adoptee.  Sadly, few take more than a moment's glance to see how many ways a child is forced to survive the adaptations adoption requires.  I think it's the refusal to admit the many parenting-failures that eventually create the anger in many of us, as well.  I am one who has often wondered, "Had I not been adopted by This Family, would my thoughts and feelings towards people, in general, be different?"  Would my suffering have been less?

That's an answer I will never know... and one I'm too afraid to guess.

re: Free with feelings

I completely agree with the notion that there is no morality in feelings nor thought, for that matter. It's only through our actions we can be judged. There are no thought crimes and there are no feel crimes. In fact allowing yourself to think about the most horrible things, can be a good prevention from acting them out and from blocking out feelings no-one has become any better.

Knowing at least bits and pieces of the story from the time with my natural family, I never played those what-if scenarios in my mind. I was adopted and didn't experience my childhood as a happy time, had I not been adopted, I would probably have had a different but equally unhappy time. Sad as that may sound there is some consolation for me in that. I've met adoptees who had a completely idealized notion of their natural parents, which kept them in a constant state of pain over their current situation. Knowing adoption in my case was a choice between two evils, I feel I can let the past be the past.

Kerry, thank you for your

Kerry, thank you for your one sided post. While I hear alot of what you all are expressing, I was thinking about the choices my kids firstfamilies made and I was thinking, well what about them?

While it is very hard for me to hear so much of the pain you have all obviously suffered, it is something that I am grateful you are sharing.

While I really havent had the time here yet to get to know all your stories, it seems for the most part the common thread, aside from adoption, is abuse by your adoptive families? Please correct me if I am wrong?

The thought of someone abusing a child  is just so unfathomable to me, it is just so hard for me to imagine what exactly it is in someone that makes them do that?

I know several of you have mentioned the need to express the true grief you have felt being taken from your country.  How can I as a parent, encourage my child to talk about that? When I said I would tell them things at age appropriate times, it is not like I want to withhold info, but when the info is hard like preferring abortion or durg use and abuse, I always worry how I can be honest withouth portraying these harsher aspects of their firstfamilies? How can I encourage them to be open to express their grief or even resentment towards us or their situations? I would love for any ideas, if you could go back to your childhood, what do you wish your parents did or said, or not said?

Our social worker did require us to read the Twenty Things , etc.. book and it was a very emotional and harsh read for me, but did provide very good insight.

What else is there that you think I as an adoptive parent should do?

this is easy

the answer to your questions seem extremely simple to me:  you just let the adoptive mothers make their own beds.
if your children come to different appraisals of their biological parents than you do, that is something you'll just have to accept.  (i, for one, do not consider abortion, drug use, or abuse deal breakers.  people are people.  all over the world people get themselves into situations, and it doesn't mean they are any less deserving of their children's love.) 

it is the same as my divorce from my alcoholic and now homeless husband.  as much as i wanted to not expose my children to that, there was nothing i could do.
as much as i wanted to lay judgement upon him or influence the children, that is against the law - and because he is their biological parent with all that meaning attached to him, it would also be the wrong thing to do.

and so, i let him scream for visitation and i gave it to him.  i let him ask for whatever he wanted and i gave it to him.  and i let the children see for themselves whatever they would see, praying to god for their safety.  i let him make or break his own reputation and relationship with them.  you just have to trust in your children is all. and be there for them when things don't work out.

so don't answer anything with your own opinion.  just give them the data.  just provide the access.  let them ask those questions of the moms themselves.  let the moms be the ones to explain.  let them have a relationship.  it is up to the children to decide how much and what quality of relationship they have, and if understanding and forgiveness is in their heart - it's not between  you and them - it's only between them.

as for encouraging your children to talk about their birth country - you can't.  the international assimilation process will leave a scar perhaps too profound for them ever to deal with or recognize, much less respond to when you bring it up.  seriously.  the best thing for you to do is change your attitude about your own role and examine your desires.  i know that sounds nebulous, but it is EVERYTHING. 

what adoptive parents fail to get is being a good parent is not about taking care of someone.  it is not about sending out tons of love. it is not about projecting anything.  it is about REALLY putting someone else first  - and that means getting rid of the word "I"  It is NOT about you anymore now that you're a parent.  Your desires, your needs, what you tried to do for him, what you meant to do for him,  what you're attempting to do for him, blah blah BLAH - it doesn't mean a damned thing.  what matters is you cut a child in the name of healing, and they are probably still bleeding inside.  This was no small thing you can put on a scale and balance with extra hugs and kisses.  The damage has been done and now it's time to walk in their shoes and once you do and feel that pain and truly empathize with being cut in that way, then maybe you will have an adjustment in perspective and attitude.  It's only fair - the child had to adjust EVERYTHING so you could have him and assimilate him.

what's critical to adopted children, in my opinion, is for us to have genuine parents.  we'll trade all the earnestness, affection, sacrifices, and luxuries in the world for something genuine.   because, typically what we get is uber parents, saccharin parents, over-emotive parents, over-the-top in every way parents.  who, through all their love and caring are still thinking fundamentally selfishly.  when you buy him gifts, who's the gift really for?  what he really wants is someone genuine he can trust.

yes.  genuine, relaxed parents who i know think about me first and who i can trust aren't going to put their own desires ahead of my  personal pain ever again.

anyway, i'm drained from this topic and i wanted to ask my fellow adoptees about grieving .  i'll send you a bill.

the first abuse

The thought of someone abusing a child  is just so unfathomable to me, it is just so hard for me to imagine what exactly it is in someone that makes them do that?

  1. the essence of child abuse is using a child to satisfy the needs of an adult.
  2. removing a child from his country into the home of a complete stranger so that adult can feel the joy of parenting is nothing more than using a child to satisfy the needs of an adult.

adoption is the first abuse. 

from that precedent all other abuses are an easy rationalization.

Kerry said:

"I think it's the refusal to admit the many parenting-failures that eventually create the anger in many of us..."

As an AP, I totally agree with this thought.  Until I was able to admit, confess, realize, feel; detest, abhor, hate and SEE
my parenting-failures, it was impossible to KNOW the anger that was created in 3 of my adopted children; which leaves
the two 9 YO's who most likely are hiding their  deep pain from all this SHIT that has happened in what was supposed to
 be a stable home.  My two, grown, young men, I believe are examples of an adoption that worked; even through the fire of dysfunction.

If all seven of my Achildren had been adopted into other families, would their suffering have been less?  I believe we are
who we were born to be, yet definitely the details of their lives would have been different.  We don't change the will or outcome
of our lives, but the details are what humans mess up with their free-will: if you believe in free-will.    So, yes, there would have been less suffering; ANYTHING other than what has happened would be less suffering, IMO.  But if, like me, you are not
a believer in free-will, then this is the life we were given.... such as it is.  Can we change the past?  The now is all we have!
But I do LOVE wallowing in what I would have done differently, if given the chance; yet, I need to think MORE about what I can change in me NOW since I am the only one that I can change...  It's up to ME to make the details different for my two youngest children!!! ME!!!  My fight for them begs me to NEVER give up nor ever forget my PARENTING-FAILURES from before!

IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy                    

vacation

i simply MUST have a vacation from confronting my parents for several days.  i'm pretty messed up over this, so if you have any real insights into grieving i would appreciate it.
this is why i quit therapy, actually.  we talked about everything but how to deal with grief, she just couldn't seem to enlighten me, and while i learned a lot, that was the chief reason i was there.

Internal bleeding

When it comes to pain, I have always been drawn to deep mental submersion.  From a visual/visceral perspective, I need to feel it... embrace it... experience it to it's fullest extent, otherwise I won't feel anything, and I can't be real.  In this sense, I think there's a difference between "dealing" with grief, versus healing from it.  Let me explain....

I think of each internal wound of mine as being something like a cancer in me that needs my own touch and identification.  Sometimes I don't know what it is inside me, but I know it's wrong.  I know it's tender, I know it brings fire and rage in places that usually sit quiet, still and numb.  If I can't readily identify the source of my pain, I dig.  I dig until I plunge into The Abyss that has always been my place of random, racy, wretched thoughts.  There I stir and tread, bringing myself lower and lower until I'm finally on the floor of my tomb... resting and collecting thoughts as I become nothing more than a rock in a fetal-like position.

I let myself dwell there, basking in the agony, gripping and groping all that I have known until that crippling pain becomes no more, and I can finally breathe.

That's when I emerge, and start writing.

Without my silent words, I am nothing.  My writings are my cries for attention... and many of these writings I keep locked away from others.  I share my words only with those who can read between my twisted meanings.  From there, I find new life.

This is how I find healing... I put words to my feelings, and then I bleed my rage and cancer out, knowing a scab will remain, but in time, that too will grow soft and pink.

 

Dealing with and Healing from Grief

Two different ways to look at  what grief demands and neither one is painless. 
Loss always brings grief!  Always!
We are FORCED to deal with grief and we are never prepared for the loss or the grief it brings!  Sometimes grief is for a lifetime.  Don't let anyone put a time limit on your grief.
It's supposed to be a process that brings relief, but I haven't found that relief yet;  I've just been wallowing in the pain.
Feeling the feelings of grief is much different.  Whenever I give in to the feelings of grief, I know the difference.  Wallowing
in grief is not facing it but just feeling sorrow for me.  Feeling the real feelings of grief means you are not letting the zombie
effect shut down your emotions, and you are RAW RAGE!  I've just learned the delight of inner RAW RAGE...
I've been like a total zombie for almost 2 years and it got me diagnosed with D.I.D.!  I went down on the Effexor XR and ME
appeared once again.  Be careful how others see you because you really can't trust anyone with your grief face.  If we see
no reason to exist; who else cares?  Most people, OUT THERE, are only trying to make a living... find someone who KNOWS grief, personally.
We're told to ACCEPT the loss... whatever we have lost is NEVER coming back.....  this is my hardest part of grieving. 
Going out in public where everyone KNOWS what I'm grieving about made me become a recluse.  But one thing:  the ones that are still around, even knowing I'm not normal or fun to be around, are the ones I'm desperately needing right now to prove to the PTB that I am who I say I am.  So, I guess what I'm saying is:   In grief, don't burn all your bridges.

Kerry, do you ever pick your scabs?

IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy

no vacation for the weary

your words hit home, teddy.

in the past two years i lost my mother, (and with it any opportunity for peace between us) was denied the opportunity to say good bye to her by my family, was raped, was abandoned by my best friend who called me pathetic and disgusting for allowing (?) myself to get raped.  fell in love for the first time but was ultimately rejected because of our age difference, destroyed my career for keeps, and was abandoned by another good friend (or so i thought) because she was frustrated with how i didn't handle all of the above.  suddenly, i was six years old and totally isolated again.  and all of that mountain of grief that rained down unrelenting one after another after another after another sending me reeling into a fetal position just seemed like a period on the end of a long sentence. each of these losses the past two years was an axe cut adding to a previous axe cut, felling this strong tree. and each loss was an echo of an earlier, deeply profound loss. a disturbingly faint yet familiar echo. and i realized for the first time that my life has been like a nuclear winter, and the source of all that devastation was the splitting of one small atom at the beginning of my adoption and the end of my memory.  it was a shocking revelation to receive at the advent of middle age. 

i hadn't realized how much energy i put into telling myself adoption wasn't an issue.  overnight i have become one of those people i disdained:  the simpering, wimpering, weak cry-babies who need to get a grip.  there was nothing left to hold on to.

i have been told all manner of techniques to deal with this loss.  the loss of my most formative years.  the loss of my birthmother's face.  the loss of a real relationship with anyone who claimed to care for me.  the loss of my innocence.  the loss of all those years fighting the good fight for everyone else but not for me.  the loss of not being able to hold onto any friends  because they can't comprehend why your personality has as many voids as swiss cheese.  none of the techniques i have tried seem to offer any relief - they are all poor substitutions - they are not genuine - they do not engage or release.  i think. sometimes i think there are too many losses for one person to bear. 

even coming here, to be honest, is not really a place i want to be.  i am compelled, to be sure, but i want to move past this.  and just be like other people, if that is at all possible.  people who laugh and joke and have casual chatter.  which i can't remember ever being.  casual, that is. 

writing helps i guess, but i do despair when my words don't have a dent of influence on my mom.  the dead one, the living ones.  the one i wish i had right now.

my entire post adoption life has been built over a quiet stream of grief, eroding the foundation of my success as an adult.  i have gone through a brief phase of primal rage, but after you do that, there is the embarassing moment afterwards where you ask "what now?" and you realize nothing's changed except a temporary drop in blood pressure. 

i think it would be nice to meet you all in person, one day, actually. 
the therapist said i needed relations to thrive.  really?  isn't the reason i'm here is because people hurt?  she said i was just unlucky and that i have to keep trying. 

unlucky. 
isn't that rich?

Pushing limits

I don't pick at something just to make it bleed... I poke and push to see if the same level of pain remains.  It's like a bruise that gets tested for it's soreness:  "Does it hurt?  <wait a while>... how 'bout now?  <wait some more> ... how bout NOW?".  Testing and retesting is how I measure my own level of pain.

Does that make sense?

Hi almost human, yay!! I

Hi almost human,
yay!! I finally am posting to your topic.
Grieving..well let's see, prob everybody's process if different of course..I understand what you mean about not complaining about it and everything. I was expected to hide my feelings because that's what they always told me to do...I didn't even realize I HAD feelings until they all came rolling out in forms of rebellion and such of the sort. Buuuuuut. I believe that eventually you learn to adjust to those feelings and deal with them in healthy ways. I learned that I DID have feelings and healthy, even creative outlets of letting them free. I always used to suppress them which suppressing ANYTHING isn't healthy!!!! (Even Osho..? I think that was him..he's a philosopher-said that if you suppress things, they go into your mind..and then you obbsess) In so few words he said this. no kid at that age probably even knows what's happening or how to explain their feelings in a way that people can understand. I just kept telling people over and over. IT took many years because it was hard to believe it myself, believe IN myself, and I didn't really-but I kept telling my story until age 20-22 and then people finally started listening. I learned how to analyze, understand and make meaning of a bad situation. create a good meaning out of bad situations. Have you ever heard of asca?? It's adult survivors of child abuse. It's a really great website with support groups depending on where you are, and it has this whole pamphlet but it's more like a huge self help workbook and it helped me a WHOLE lot. the first time I read through it I cried MY ASS OFFFFFFFFFFFFF ohmigod I cried so much sooooo much. but it helped me IMMENSELY because all of that was gone. All of it. Anyway, and it still takes me time to sort things through and...now I'm perhaps getting a little wordy and maybe you've already heard of asca. Anyway!! I'll let you go!!! xoxo
Jane

lemonade out of lemons

i don't know - i've spent my entire life successfully making lemonade out of lemons. 
it still doesn't bury my dead.  or send them off to sea. 
i need something like a hospice worker.

i have not heard of asca.  maybe i'll check it out, but i am deeply suspicious of self-help places and the advice they offer.  i am also interested in being progressive.  hearing too many dark stories brings me down.

i believe more in doing vs. talking.  involving your body reinforces therapies.

i tried to join a laughing club, but they meet too infrequently around here.  the only one that met frequently was tied to a hospice program, and since i did not have an immediate family member dying, i could not join them.  maybe i should move to india, where they meet every morning. 

a laughing club?

I think the sort of things that make me laugh would have me voted-out that very first meeting!

yes - no

i embedded it as a video here

crap - can't get the link to work

here's the url in ppl

http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/20759

Everlasting grieving

To answer to the question, 'has it ever ended?' Until now, I feel that it will be an everlasting.

The  death took away from me many close relative and friends. Some died in old age, others in the disease when they were young and one committed suicide. I have grieved over my adoptive mother's death for nearly four years. Each time someone passed away, I thought that I will feel grief eternally but time has always healed me. 
I also grieved over the lost of my friends when they all moved the same year to other countries and provinces.  I though that it will hurt me for the rest of my life but it didn't take long time to heal.  Same when I break up with my first boyfriend.
From my experience, I believe that time heals naturally when we lose someone in death or separation.

It has been 33 years that I'm grieving over the lost of my birth family and I'm still grieving. Even if I found my sisters seven years ago, I'm still grieving the lost of my family. We will never be a family again other than by our bloods. They told me that our father and brother are death but sometime, I don't believe them.  I think of them at any time as if they are all alive and then, I feel that they died. It's like they die each day... I don't want to say yet that it will last forever. Maybe, grieving over a person that we have lost by adoption lasts longer than grieving over a person that we have lost in death.

How do we grieve the un-natural circumstance?

I think many people can relate to the grief behind a death, but few can understand why an adoptee would see a new life and opportunity as a death-sentence.

In my mind, that's simple.... in order to have one, we had to lose another.  I think one of the most difficult things to accept is the death of someone who is still living, so our grief and loss has to take an un-natural spin to the whole life-death sequence.

Years ago I wrote a piece on something similar to this.  I will have to resurrect it and put it in the Adult Aftermath section. 

i didn't even know i was grieving

i didn't even know i was grieving
until i encountered a string of more "typical" losses others endure
every loss is like living that first loss all over again
it is deeper than deep

it is as if it is the essence of all that i am
that i was forged from grief

and in a way, i guess that is true

you said you were born at your adoption
i guess i was too

i want to be unborn
i don't want to die
i just want to erase this entire adoption experience
and find that little girl
whoever she was

maybe that is why our grief is everlasting
we have lost ourselves
we have been erased

Lots of Losses

There are lots of losses an adoptees has to adapt to accept... I believe each one of these losses has to be addressed and grieved before real inner-peace can be fully achieved.

Perhaps making a check-list for yourself can help you through the maze of repeat confusion memory-resurfacing often brings.

For instance... there is the loss of a mother and father.  [In an adopted and abused situation, that means 2 mothers and 2 fathers got lost in your world of "parental protection".]  There is the loss of innocence, the loss of trust, and the loss of identity... these are just a few "losses", but you can see how each one repeats itself throughout your life-cycle.

today i'm just pissed

see title above

Yes

There's a ton to be pissed about, which is why you need to take baby-steps with all the feelings "resurfacing" brings.

I remember when I went to my OB/GYN for my first post-partum visit, I asked, "How long, realistically, will it take for me to get back to pre-pregnant shape?"

He explained to me very simply, "It took 10 months to get to this stage.... give yourself 10 months to recover from all those changes you body had to go through."  In other words, a body, no matter how well-conditioned, can't repair hormonal damage over-night.

The stress and strain caused by trauma is hormonal-based, so it's ok to take your time with all the emotional charges flying inside your body.  When you need a break, TAKE one!  [This is the beauty of emotional detachment, our brains already know how to remove ourselves from very painful situations.  The trick now is to learn how to wean your way through those stress-making situations.]

When it gets too much for yourself, take a day (or a few) to mommy-yourself and do what you need to do to release the stress recovery will bring you.

Pound Pup Legacy