I am the real Kris
Thu, 2008-07-24 01:10 - RealKris
I first off wanted to apologize to everyone here for all that happened yesterday due to my "impersonator". I wanted to thank Niels for his prompt response to me and my inquiry and for his assistance.
I am still baffled over what happened and needless to say they are no longer my co-worker nor friend.
So to set the record straight on who I really am.
Yes I am an adoptive parent to two young boys (4 and 2) from Russia (2004 and 2006). Yes, I am a nurse, I have worked in labor and delivery, oncology, research, and education (sex ed essentially, life ed, actions and consequences to teens/college age kids in inner city. Yes I did suffer from infertility and miscarriages. Yes, I have a cousin adopted from Korea, who is now an adult and expressed alot of support for us, no I didn'thave some of the conversations with him, that were expressed previously. Yes I do have friends who were adopted at birth as well as my sister in law who maintains a great relationship with her firstmom and they were all supportive as well and all have active roles in our family's life. No, I did not go to Romania (I have a very dear friend who spends several weeks each year there though and I was always moved by her stories and pictures she brought back). Yes, my husband has family from Ukraine and EE. No, we never offered to give the boys back to their first families. Yes, we do have relationships with them which began this year, but we had sought it out in 2004. Both ffirst families have expressed their happiness to us over the situation, both have told us their stories and why they did what they did and if they could change anything, they would have never gotten pregnant. They both have told us alot more details which were very hard for me to hear, but I respect their honesty. we keep up contact via mail for now, though we are making arrangements for them to have computers. Yes, we had issues with our first agency and left them. Yes my children both had issues but were not labelled special needs, they were turned down by Russian families and also international families due to the uncertainity of their medical issues.. The older one is doing very well , the younger one does have some delays but medically is doing amazingly well. yes we did discuss alot with the social worker over there on our second adoption regarding the first family. Our first adoption we did not. I did not know as much as I do now.
I think that covered it in terms of what the "other Kris, aka Marcy" wrote? If not please ask and I will tell.
How I feel about all of this: Yes I adopted internationally twice. I will be honest and I know most will not agree, but I do not regret it, I do not feel I participated in child trafficking, I did not break any laws, I love my boys to the bottom depths of my soul. Yes we were selfish, we wanted a family. I wanted children. It was all I ever wanted in my life, to be a mom. I am not naieve to think there will not be issues. My kids have been through a great deal in their little young lives between trauma and losses. While they are too young to express things verbally in terms of this, it is my job to look for the signs (and we have had issues especially with our second guy who was 13 months old at adoption, he grieved alot. We talk openly to them about their adoptions, they see the pictures from their first families, we read the letters. I do not share alot of the tough stuff, because as preschoolers they cannot comprehend that. While we are open with them about their adoptions and all who know them and love them, know they are adopted, we do not broadcast. it We don't discuss things while they are in earshot, strangers dont' need to know. It is their story to tell and up to them whom they want to share it with. We don't sit down and have adoption discussions every day. Adoption is a part of who they are, but I don't believe it defines them. They have many special qualities and gifts that make up who they are. We have always planned to be open and honest with them and let them know they can talk to us or express whatever it is they are feeling. I am not naieve to think life will always be a breeze and that there will never be any issues down the road, but I do my best to prepare myself for that.
I do agree reform in adoption is needed. This I have learned having been through it. I never knew another side of adoption, it always just seemed a good alternative to a child living in an institution or being bounced around foster families. My experience with adoption growing up and even as a young adult was always positive. I knew no ugly or dark side. I did get glimpse of that with our first agency who thankfully is out of business. Yes, I believe adoption is too much of a big business, there is too much money involved and many times too many people who are not looking out for the best interests of the child (though I am sure many people will consider me to be one of those people). I believe adoption is a good option when there is nothing else for the child. I believe adoptive parents need to be educated and screened alot more than they are and I have seen that happened between our two adoptions in terms of screening requirements including pysch evals. I feel we were lucky in terms of our education and preparation.
My feelings and beliefs are obviously based on my life experiences just like yours are. Though I have always remained open minded and ready to learn and grow.
So thank you Niels for your invitation and again my apologies for yesterday.
Thank you,
Kris
Comments
Starting over
That's a "first entry" I'd hate to make! It's unfortunate your introduction to PPL had to start with such controversy, but then given the topics we discuss, it's quiet poetic in all it's twisted irony. Thank you Kris, for taking the time to clarify the first responses given.
Now, if I may spring into-action....
[Don't worry, no fanks, only questions for discussion....]
One of the most common statements made by AP's is "I do not feel I participated in child trafficking". For the sake of conversation, what are your thoughts on "maternal coercion"? Could that be seen as a form of industry trafficking (ensuring there is a supply for the demand)?
For instance, let's say hypothetically, 16 years from now, you learn the mother who said she wished she never got pregnant said that because she hated the "choice" she was forced to make? [Meaning she was given no options to help her keep her baby; adoption was the only route to that child's safety.] Given the number of shady agencies operating in the baby-selling business, what guarantee does ANY AP have that the child adopted was not wanted by someone within their own family or country?
Good question
When I hear the word coercion I immediately go to thought of someone forcefully making them relinquish their children in the threatening way, or making a woman have babies so they can be placed, but I am thinking you are referring to it in another way?
I am not comfortable divulging yet all the conversations and background info given to me by their firstmothers, because I do feel it was a private discussion and since I no longer feel "anonymous" on the internet I am not exactly ready to share it all. So please bear with me in that regards. Hopefully someday I will feel a little more comfortable.
So in our cases and what I know now, I do feel confident this was the best option in children's lives. Do I think every AP has a guarentee, no absolutely not. I do not pretend to know what happens in other countries nor be an expert, so I can only share what I know happens in Russia.
What I can tell you about Russia, is that every child has to remain on a national and regional database for a total of 10 months giving the option for any family member to come back or any Russian family. The time on this database has already increased as Russia moves to encourage more Russian families to foster and adopt, along with financial incentives and support. I do know both my children were presented to russian families (we were given the numbers and reasons for decline) and that in both cases social workers were in contact frequently with family members during that time period and once our process began. Many times in Russia as well, children are in the orphanages but never relinquished by their families. Those families many times do continue to visit the child, but are not in position to care for the child themselves. Those children are never available for adoption unless down the road the region determines it is in the best interest of the child to pursue termination of rights.
So, how would I feel if they ever told me they had no choice. Of course I would feel terrible, who wouldn't? My heart does hurt for both women eash day. I may not agree with the things they did, their actions or behaviors, but my heart goes out to them and I think of them daily. I can't change the situation but I can certainly do all I can to make the best of it and to me that includes openess and honesty and maintaining those relationships with them and our children. We sought out their firstfamilies, we wanted to have the contact and hopefully a relationship and I am glad we do. How it will all play out down the road, I don't know., but it is up to us to be prepared, to be able to answer any and all questions as honestly as we can and to maintain these relationships with our firstfamilies.
Choosing termination
I'm confused. In what sort of instance would the region determine "it is in the best interest of the child to pursue termination of rights"?
[I can think of many adoptees who would have wanted that option after adoption, as well!!]
Termination of rights is
Termination of rights is pursued in situations similar to what you would see here. Abuse (physical, sexual, etc..) severe neglect. According to one of our translators, parents are given multiple chances once a problem has been established. Even if a child is placed in an orphanage, families are encouraged to visit (in fact when we were meeting our son in 2006, there were several family members there visiting children). Like I said previously, there are many children residing in the institutions who have not been relinqiushed by their parents nor have had rights terminated. I asked what happens, they said basically the child will stay there until the age out, even if the family keeps visiting.
We were also told that if a child is brought to the orphanage by their bio family and then never come visit despite repeated attempts by the social workers to encourage visits, if they show no interest, then the social worker will ask for relinquishment or start proceedings for termination.
Both our children were relinquished at birth, we have the hand written letters and no one visited. Even though they were relinquished at birth, the bio families could have changed their minds at any time. They are notified about any impending adoption and can contest it as well.
Also, If you are adopting an older child, I believe age 9/10 or up, the child has to go before the judge and state whether they will agree to be adopted by a foreign parent. They can say no and then that contests the proceedings. I am not sure if the same situation holds true if a Russian were to adopt them.
Obviously there are circumstances where the bio family is unknown. The situations I know of: 2 month old found on stairs of apt building, birthmother delivering in the hospital and leaving, no real name, no address, infant left on the doorstep of orphanage, no note, no information.
There is a national database in Russia, and also a website similar to one like Adoptkids, etc.. that show children needing to be fostered or adopted. It is broken down by region and anyone can search by age, gender, DOB and siblings on it.
Hope this helps give a little more insight into Russia.
I agree, I am sure many children, adopted or bio would like the opportunity to terminate their parents rights. :o)
first agency
Hi Kris,
It's good to see you signed up and I am glad you made this contribution. You said:
Would you be willing to tell us more about this experience?
I cn say as a social worker
I cn say as a social worker and educator, the woman from our first agency was great. During our HS process she told about many aspects of adoption, bad and good. We discussed disruptions, attachment, RAD, other diagnoses and labels that tend to get placed on children coming from an institution. We did learn alot from her, so much more than other AP's I know.
Business wise though, she was no good. I believe her heart was in the right place when she started, but then it all got blurry along the way.
First off, she knew the country we initially chose was leaning towards closing to IA. She did not pass this on to us, so we went thru the time and expense of putting together a dossier and as we were to send it they closed. She then hurried us into her russian program, telling us it was moving fast, etc... lots of selling. Unfortunately we bit instead of investigating. She only worked in one region and wasn't accreditated there, so she used another agency for that. She talked about all the things she did for the orpahanage and all the programs she set up. We came to find out later, they were embellished quite a bit. Her time of 2 months to travel become 4 then 5, 6, etc... More paperwork, more money, not to her but to our state to get our documents appostilled. I started just feeling very icky about her. Then she hit us with a situation of a child, under teh age of 1 who would be disrupted. I am choosing though to keep the details of this to myself. Needless to say we of course agreed after she told us she would have to turn the child over to foster care in our city (which isnt exactly known for being very good). Fear worked and we agreed. There were several other thingfs she did during this that were shady. The lawyer we contacted cautioned us and also contacted the state.The parents changed their mind before the baby came to us. It was how she handled us after the fact that was the last straw. Also our lawyer called with info that the state had been investiagting her due to her working with disruptions and keeping kids in her care without a foster license. Her license was stripped, her appeal was lost and the agency closed.
That about sums it up. Thankfully at least in her defense we didnt lose much money to her. I think in her case it wasn't about greed, but her need to help kids or be this "rescuer" blurred the lines of what was right or ethical and she made a lot of bad mistakes.