How does a person learn how to "fight fair" and be a "Good Parent"?
Since starting PPL, I've been deeply humbled by some of the responses given to me (privately and publicly) by many AP's. Their willingness to be open with answers to questions they may not always follow has proven to me not all AP's are narrow-minded and full of "self-protection".
[yes, just a few lingering issues for me!]
In the spirit of getting parenting done "right", I'd like to know how others get through the dark and stressful times life, marriage and family bring a person. I know in my case, I know what does NOT work well, (the examples I have seen have shown me what not to be...), but that doesn't mean I know what works well in a family that has its struggles and fights. One of the hardest things for me to do is "fight fairly", and I know from experience that really hurts me and my intentions in the end.
For instance, during times of stress, my parents would go to the two extremes: silence or screaming. I hated both, and yet I have grown to have a very difficult time controlling my voice when stressed or enraged by something. I either storm, or shut-down. Neither route is effective in healthy communication.
How do other people deal with verbal or emotional conflict within the home?
Comments
Never learned how to fight
Though I am not a parent myself, I know parenting from the child's perspective of course. When I grew up there was no room for fighting whether fair or unfair around the house. I was an only child, so there were no siblings to struggle with and my adoptive parents always made sure every argument was suppressed before getting emotional. Especially my adoptive mother could be very unreasonable and though my adoptive father knew better, he always chose her side in any argument. As a result I learned to give in silently.
To this day I don't know how to fight for my rights/needs. I am pretty good at avoiding conflicts, but that's not the same as standing up for what I believe is right.
Learning how to speak
I'm starting to see a common theme develop between recently posted threads, so I'm hoping I can graft them well into one piece.
If you look at recent discussions, you can see
Easy, effective communication seems to be the missing tool needed when seeking real, fulfilling intimacy, and I believe this difficulty-in-discussion gets taught by a child's parents. [If a person is raised where mom sulks, and dad yells or avoids, what rules of engagement is a child going to learn in terms of future communication skills?]
I know for myself, when I went to Nursing School, I learned how to speak to doctors and patients. As students, we were given written scripts to read, and then given practice clinical situations where we could build our own confidence in terms of professional approach. In the working-world, I have become a master of conversation. [There is very little I can't or won't discuss!] In my personal-life, I know there are issues and matters that cannot be discussed because an eruption or erosion will take place. This 'always being careful not to disturb" reminds me so much of the egg-shell living I had to endure with my parents. I want better for myself AND my children, because I don't want the same patterns of secret insecurities to curse and plague yet another generation.
So how does the adult raised by a dysfunctional family learn to speak about the wants and needs that live and breathe inside, when the person in-question has been taught to be Silent? Where and when does "a new beginning" begin when there are so many dead-ends?
Is it possible to 'heal the inner-child', without going back to one's family?
Is it possible to 'heal the inner-child', without going back
In my case it is in my own best interest NOT go back to my family for inner healing. I don't know them; and how could I read their mannerisms and character into something that will help me now?
Growing up with family gives you a head start on accepting them and their many idiosyncrasies which you probably will develop, too. But as I have had a chance to look at three cousins from different relatives, I felt they were very strange indeed.
In fact they repulsed me by being so different from me. I did not have a chance to grow up around family and was always led
to believe they didn't want me anyway.
My inner-child that needs healing is NOT what they would find worthy of their help. They were turned against me from the very beginning and I have never been a part of them. They are the ultimate dead end in my life. I prefer not to be caught at the end of that road.
Conversation is what I hear other people doing while I sit with my mouth open wishing I could communicate like that... My words betray me in conversation with people, face to face.
One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy
Where is the safety?
I see in your case, you were rejected by your first-family, and that has left wounds that have damaged all sorts of future relationships in your life.
Now imagine having 2 sets (or more) of parents/family figures causing that sort of emotional carnage. Does that diminish your personal suffering? NO! It only illustrates how much more difficult it is for the abused fostered/adopted child to recover from the cruelties caused by really bad parenting. Ours is a suffering that proves "no home is safe from rape or abuse".
I think for many, the term "family" is the worst-place (with the most harmful people) a wounded person can go for emotional repair. Without "family", the only alternative a person has for future safety and security is through good supportive friends and very kind strangers.
The question is: how many people in this world are willing to take the time to teach an un-trusting soul, "not everyone in this world is after sex, control, or money."?
Is it any wonder, then, why victims of long-term abuse figure power-struggles and nightmare-living are just a way of life?
The Screaming Mimi
I can remember back to when I was 13 months old and how my mother's voice taught me negativism before I knew the real meaning of words. Her voice toward me was full of tones that reflected her disappointment in me. Now, when my very vocal and emotional teen speaks to me, ANY tone that reminds me of my mother's disapproval sends me into an immediate self-preservation mode. I'm trying to convince this nice young man that he really should talk mono-toned to me to be on the safe side. LOL This is a very big problem for me, especially with important people who have hated me from the first words we ever shared.
And this is how I have learned to fight fair: give a warning when meeting someone new or when I find myself already having been triggered recently.
IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy
I grew up in a pretty stable
I grew up in a pretty stable environment, thankfully. My parents did argue when we were young kids but never screaming. My parents always said to us it was ok to be angry and argue, it helps get things out, but what they always wanted us to do, was taken 1 minute, walk away and think about what you want to say. My mom always felt words said in the heat of the moment and at the top of your voice don't get thruough as well and they may be words you later regret. She felt our arguments could/should be more debates (that is between my brother and I). Her and my dad were like this too. They didn't hide fights from us especially if it was over something little, if it was something inappropriate for our ears, they would wait until we were not in the house or they would go to the car and talk.
My parents did get divorced when I was 17. It was about probably the most amicable divorce you could ever get. They did go to counseling thru my whole HS years and tried but decided divorce was best. They never played us and we still did many things as a family. To this day as they are remarried, everyone gets along, including steps. Pretty different than alot of friends. I am grateful, it makes my life alot easier.
Anyway, for myself and my husband, we argue, we don't scream, I am not a screamer at all more a talker. My husband came from the background of suppressing everything and no one yells. So I think we have found a balance. It is hard for him sometimes to not suppress things and it is hard for me the talker to not keep pushing him to talk. But after 12 years I know when to let him be and when we need to have it out.
For our kids, right now , they don't exactly argue since the 2yr old doesn't speak fully, but they have had their battles over toys and books. We just separate them and keep our voices quieter so they will quiet down. I am sure I will have to change what I do throughout each stage they go through.