For those parents walking naked and free among us older wounded and scarred adoptees, what do you know, (or have been told), about adoptees developing RAD, or any other "attachment disorder"?
I am not an adoptive parent, yet I will respond to this.
On the website of Daniel and Elizabeth Case is the horrible story the "Ponishes". I would recommend everyone to read this detailed story of a couple who in their application for adoption had stated they did not want to adopt a special needs child and were not informed about RAD, ADD, ADHD in any form. In fact the whole pre-placement process revolved around angel wings, butterfly kisses and “once they’re home they’re all okay” propaganda.
Long story short. The couple ended up, adopting a girl from Russia with severe RAD, something they were not able to deal with. While in Russia the agency's representatives kept saying the girl's disturbed behaviour was normal, and once "home" everything would be okay. Once home things weren't okay and the Ponishes decided to dissolve the adoption. So in the end everyone got hurt.
There are many more cases in which agencies cover up the medical conditions of children, especially in international adoption. Most of the Russian children that died in US while in the care of their adopters relate to situations where the children had serious issues and their adopters were not capable of dealing with that. Some people are capable of handling children with RAD, but most don't.
With domestic adoption there is extra money to be made by the agencies in case of special needs, so not disclosing the medical conditions would be foolish business practice.
Like Kerry I wonder what the experiences of AP's on this website have been with regard to the information supplied by the agencies about RAD, ADD etc. I am also curious how much they have learned since.
"I would recommend everyone to read this detailed story of a couple who in their application for adoption had stated they did not want to adopt a special needs child and were not informed about RAD, ADD, ADHD in any form. In fact the whole pre-placement process revolved around angel wings, butterfly kisses and “once they’re home they’re all okay” propaganda."
It's been quite some time since I read Elizabeth's heartwrenching story. I agree, it's a must read for anyone considering international adoption.
We were incredibly fortunate to have chosen an agency which was brutally honest about all kinds of adoption. In 1999, the then director of our agency (Barb Holtan) published an article in our agency's monthly newsletter. I'm going to blow off the dust and post it here.
From the Director... Barb Holtan*
Tressler Lutheran Adoption Services
Tressler Family Connections
March/April 1999 issue
*(Note: Barb Holtan was interviewed by 48 Hours during their program on international adoptions - which was first broadcast early this year. I have permission from the author to post this.)
Back in February of 1994, we began receiving calls from families we did not know, in states outside of our service area, asking us if we could find another family for the child they had adopted and brought home from Eastern Europe. "We just can't continue," they would say sadly. "We've heard that TLS finds good families for Special kids. Can you do that for our son (or daughter)?"
We didn't think much about this (other than to grieve with these disrupting parents and see how we could help) until the calls kept coming and coming. We started charting these calls and started asking colleagues around the country:
What's happening? Why all these disruption calls? And - Why are they calling us - strangers to them - why aren't they calling their own agencies? We've sure learned a lot about this sad phenomenon since that first contact back in 1994.
I wanted to take the opportunity here to you at this, the five-year point. I would like to tell you that this was a brief flash in the pan and it has stopped. It hasn't. The calls continue to come.
As of March 31, 1999:
- Total number of Eastern European-born children, adopted into the US, whom we have been asked to replace: 78
- That comes out to be 78 in 61 months - more than one request a month, steadily for five years.
- Child's average age when placed with the family: 5.2 years old
- Child's average age when the family called TLS: 7.0 years old (These are averages - youngest child we were asked to replace was 8 months old, eldest child was 15 years old.)
- About even on gender: 38 girls; 40 boys.
- Number of US states the families have called from: 27
- Countries of origin of the children:
Bulgaria -1
Estonia - 3
Georgia - 4
Lithuania - 1
Moldavia - 1
Poland - 2
Romania - 14
Russia - 50
Ukraine - 2
The families who call are sad, angry, scared, disappointed. The behaviors of the children have brought them to their knees. The behaviors they each describe are all so similar and pretty much can be found on the checklists for Reactive Attachment Disorder. Nowadays, by the time the families get to us, they have already had the child tested and evaluated and the parent rattles off to us over the phone the many diagnoses the child has: Attention Deficit Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Hyperactivity, Learning Disabilities, possible Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, etc. etc.
I have become rather tedious on this subject, I know. I have exclaimed about it to colleagues in other agencies, talked about it at Joint Council meetings, consulted with Attachment therapists ("Are you seeing lots of kids adopted from
Eastern Europe?")... Many international agency people would like me to clam up and stop already about this subject.
Believe me, I'd like to. But then the next call comes from Massachusetts or Illinois or Texas and the story is the same and we try as best we can to help another devastated family.
As long as there are adoptions, there will be disruptions. We hate this but we accept it as truth. However, the numbers of disruptions of Eastern European born children are too high - way out of line. Yes, I know that Russia is sending thousands of children to the US for adoption and statistically speaking, 50 kids (see above) is tiny. Yes, I know that the only numbers available are those TLS has been keeping and these comprise a count which is necessarily skewed. No one calls from Idaho to tell me how GREAT their child is doing. Still - there's too much of it. Kids have been coming for adoption for over 40 years from other countries. Ask anyone who has been around during that time working in this field. If they are being honest, they will attest to the fact that we as a profession have never seen this number of kids with such
severe problems all coming from one part of the world resulting in their adoptive families seeking to disrupt the adoption.
At the risk of being still more tedious, I will again offer for consideration the following things we at TLS believe in and practice and advocate for all adoptions. This is how to lessen the number of disruptions. Our 27-year-old program placing only Special kids is living proof of this:
- Solid, Realistic, Educational pre-adoption Family Preparation (and no, this can't be achieved in a weekend or a couple of hours) comprised of lots of information, hard questions and a practice of parent SELF-ASSESSMENT as opposed to agency investigation of parents.
- Meticulous review of background information on the child by the family and the agency worker - asking questions, pointing out red flags.
- Supportive and nurturing post-placement services by the agency which did the Home Study.
- Ongoing post-finalization services as needed over time over the life of the family. I.e. - the agency responds whenever and for whatever is needed.
EVERY child coming from an orphanage is a Special Needs child - whether s/he is one month old or twelve years old. The sooner placing agencies start leveling with interested families about this fact and prepare families for this, the more likely it will be that TLS will experience a decline in the numbers of disruption calls coming our way.
USA Today featured an articles in 2006: Underground network moves children from home to home, that painted a very grim portrait of a private network dealing with adoption disruptions, much of which never reached the above statistics.
It's good to see there are adoption agencies that take a responsible attitude towards the issue, on the other hand there are also for-profit agencies like A Child's Waiting from Ohio, who maintained a lucrative business dealing with adoption disruptions. The state of Ohio seeks to close down their business, but so far their website is still online.
That said about adoption disruption. I wonder what agency's director told you about RAD, ADD etc. and what you have learned since.
This statement in the newsletter really bothered me:
As long as there are adoptions, there will be disruptions. We hate this but we accept it as truth.
This is a preventable truth, but I won't belabor that point. [Poor pun-intended.]
Research into behavioral problems with adoptees has only been relatively recent, (and incomplete, at best) so what sort of information were you given about your adopted children, in terms of their adapting to adoption? Did you discover attachment / trust difficulties, and how have you been dealing with them?
Our last adoption was 5 years ago; he was four and had been in several other places before coming home in 2003. He is NOT a child with RAD. Out of 7, 3 are severe RAD, so far.
We had never ever been told/warned about the possibility of RAD. I learned from my studies on the internet and RAD forums/Adult RAD forums after the first son had left; we just could not handle what we could not understand... everything I learned about RAD fit him to a T, especially the part about his early sexual abuse in Korea before he came home, being very dangerous for his sister as he got older; but it was too late. NO ONE warned us, from the adoption agency to the worker, what COULD happen. Korea did send a telex stating to watch him (almost four) with her (almost 3) but the SW assured
Korea that we were experienced foster parents and had dealt with sexually abused children... We had SPECIFICALLY stated: NO SEXUALLY ABUSED CHILDREN! It was more than I could deal with in foster care.
We ended up with three previously sexually abused children with severe RAD and we had to find out what was wrong AFTER the fact of their sexual acting out, plus, why all the stealing, lying, trashing, feces problems, control issues with us and each other, the well hidden other life they led. I may sound crazy, but I just could not figure out who was systematically throwing my underwear and silverware away; why the 7 wet towels and trash got stuck under the bed the next day after the trashed bedroom got cleaned; or why those three were afraid of nothing; and why food disappeared and why they covered for each other in their sexual acting out...
My three children were very scary because of their fearless front and their ability to lie to your face and make you believe them completely until you found out on your own it was a complete lie. The fact that these three did not show any signs of having a conscience was the scariest. I do not mean to offend anyone... just stating it as I lived it.
To not inform PAP's of the possibilities of RAD is one of the cruelest hidden parts of adoption. Up front, there should be a one day seminar on RAD: its meaning and how puberty throws it into high gear. After taking that compulsory seminar, there should be a notebook on the back table where each couple can take a page; write their decision to continue or to back out at that point in the adoption process, with no one knowing but the agency. Those who chose to continue would have to sign a waiver that they would not hold the agency responsible in any way if their AC was already at high risk for RAD. As it is, we signed an agreement saying we would NOT hold the agency responsible for ANYTHING, anyway.. but at least, these people would have a heads-up.
RAD is just ONE of the reasons, IMO, why adoption is NOT in the best interest of the child.
RAD is just ONE of the reasons, IMO, why adoption is NOT in the best interest of the child.
IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy
Why in the world would you say that, Teddy?
(Forgive me for that, I couldn't help myself.)
First off, allow me to post my first reaction to your comments:
7 adopted kids! Holy crap! 3 with RAD? Are you friggin' nuts!
OK, glad I got that off my chest.
2 kids here, both adopted at age 5. Son (now 19) has been diagnosed bi-polar, ADHD. Daughter (now 15) is our little RADish. I can so relate to all of the behaviors you described, and then some. But I'm not ready to share them here.
But I will admit that we just received a shipment of replacement antique silverware. Now that's just too creepy.
Seriously, what is it about RAD children that makes them unadoptable? Did your children come to you with RAD? Or are you saying that their adoptions caused their RAD? What becomes of RAD children who can't return to their biological family? Permanent foster care? What?
My daughter lost her loving mother a month shy of her 4th birthday. The cancer monster ate her. Her estranged father, an untreated schizophrenic with a history of physical abuse, assumed custody over the objections of her dying mother. So began her nine month nightmare of severe neglect and sexual abuse.
No, the state did not separate my daughter from her father. She was literally abandoned, followed by more than a year in foster care (including one disrupted adoptive placement).
It's been almost ten years to the day that we first met our daughter (8/6/98). She called me "Daddy" on the spot and walked away from her then foster family without so much as a glance backwards.
As the adult who has profound difficulty with "loving relationships".... excuse me while I gag at the thought....
I'd like to address a very good question: "Seriously, what is it about RAD children that makes them unadoptable? "
I think the better question is: What makes a child so unlikable to a parent? ["what did I did that was so bad and wrong?]
I think RAD is the result of abuse and neglect - which can happen at any time in a child's life. [It's the timing of this abuse/neglect that makes RAD's diagnostic criteria.]
So what makes a child seem unadoptable? I'd say when a child feels unlovable, (a direct result of not being loved and protected like "a normal child" should be), that child will try to do anything to prove he/she is right.
"I'd say when a child feels unlovable, (a direct result of not being loved and protected like "a normal child" should be), that child will try to do anything to prove he/she is right.
AND, Kerry, that is exactly what I have done for years... but have never been able to put it into words like you can. Thanks.
DAD said,
"Seriously, what is it about RAD children that makes them un-adoptable? Did your children come to you with RAD? Or are you saying that their adoptions caused their RAD? What becomes of RAD children who can't return to their biological family? Permanent foster care? What??
No, only one came with big-time RAD, and the other two developed it from the neglect they HAD suffered, combined with the sexual abuse from my evil husband and son... and I could vomit blood for having to state this truth to you; because I want to heal.
Adoption and its process may start with a normal child, but along the way BIG changes start the RAD process. Like Kerry said,
"It's the timing of this abuse/neglect that makes RAD's diagnostic criteria." And I truly agree. Even the definition of abuse/neglect, along with the timing has various effects.
My three RAD children: Almost 18 year old daughter who was sexually abused by her afather and abrother is finishing High School in a foster home of her own choice. Already 18 year old son was just let loose from a group home for teen sex offenders where he had continued his abuse of others; he came home from Korea sexually abused. 13 year old son is going to a structured group home for MR children; he had been sexually abused by the 18 year old ason and adaughter. He is a complete danger to my two youngest children who will soon know the freedom of living in their own home without the fear of the 13 year olds victimization of them. None of the three will return home, but they know where I am. I have their stuff they left.
No, to the permanent foster care as 13 yo was kicked out of the first foster home within four hours, and now within 6 weeks of the therapeutic foster home that was second, he is headed for a structured group home.
To me, watching the child walk away without any emotion is so sad. I saw it in 11 foster children and three adopted children. It breaks your heart to know why they are that way.
and pulling a big blanket around to cover my nakedness...... she turns and walks away.... she has been taught well.
Comments
re: A question for PPL's AP's....
I am not an adoptive parent, yet I will respond to this.
On the website of Daniel and Elizabeth Case is the horrible story the "Ponishes". I would recommend everyone to read this detailed story of a couple who in their application for adoption had stated they did not want to adopt a special needs child and were not informed about RAD, ADD, ADHD in any form. In fact the whole pre-placement process revolved around angel wings, butterfly kisses and “once they’re home they’re all okay” propaganda.
Long story short. The couple ended up, adopting a girl from Russia with severe RAD, something they were not able to deal with. While in Russia the agency's representatives kept saying the girl's disturbed behaviour was normal, and once "home" everything would be okay. Once home things weren't okay and the Ponishes decided to dissolve the adoption. So in the end everyone got hurt.
There are many more cases in which agencies cover up the medical conditions of children, especially in international adoption. Most of the Russian children that died in US while in the care of their adopters relate to situations where the children had serious issues and their adopters were not capable of dealing with that. Some people are capable of handling children with RAD, but most don't.
With domestic adoption there is extra money to be made by the agencies in case of special needs, so not disclosing the medical conditions would be foolish business practice.
Like Kerry I wonder what the experiences of AP's on this website have been with regard to the information supplied by the agencies about RAD, ADD etc. I am also curious how much they have learned since.
"I would recommend everyone
"I would recommend everyone to read this detailed story of a couple who in their application for adoption had stated they did not want to adopt a special needs child and were not informed about RAD, ADD, ADHD in any form. In fact the whole pre-placement process revolved around angel wings, butterfly kisses and “once they’re home they’re all okay” propaganda."
It's been quite some time since I read Elizabeth's heartwrenching story. I agree, it's a must read for anyone considering international adoption.
We were incredibly fortunate to have chosen an agency which was brutally honest about all kinds of adoption. In 1999, the then director of our agency (Barb Holtan) published an article in our agency's monthly newsletter. I'm going to blow off the dust and post it here.
Dad
Want to learn more
USA Today featured an articles in 2006: Underground network moves children from home to home, that painted a very grim portrait of a private network dealing with adoption disruptions, much of which never reached the above statistics.
It's good to see there are adoption agencies that take a responsible attitude towards the issue, on the other hand there are also for-profit agencies like A Child's Waiting from Ohio, who maintained a lucrative business dealing with adoption disruptions. The state of Ohio seeks to close down their business, but so far their website is still online.
That said about adoption disruption. I wonder what agency's director told you about RAD, ADD etc. and what you have learned since.
Dealing with detachment
This statement in the newsletter really bothered me:
This is a preventable truth, but I won't belabor that point. [Poor pun-intended.]
Research into behavioral problems with adoptees has only been relatively recent, (and incomplete, at best) so what sort of information were you given about your adopted children, in terms of their adapting to adoption? Did you discover attachment / trust difficulties, and how have you been dealing with them?
RAD/PAP
Our last adoption was 5 years ago; he was four and had been in several other places before coming home in 2003. He is NOT a child with RAD. Out of 7, 3 are severe RAD, so far.
We had never ever been told/warned about the possibility of RAD. I learned from my studies on the internet and RAD forums/Adult RAD forums after the first son had left; we just could not handle what we could not understand... everything I learned about RAD fit him to a T, especially the part about his early sexual abuse in Korea before he came home, being very dangerous for his sister as he got older; but it was too late. NO ONE warned us, from the adoption agency to the worker, what COULD happen. Korea did send a telex stating to watch him (almost four) with her (almost 3) but the SW assured
Korea that we were experienced foster parents and had dealt with sexually abused children... We had SPECIFICALLY stated: NO SEXUALLY ABUSED CHILDREN! It was more than I could deal with in foster care.
We ended up with three previously sexually abused children with severe RAD and we had to find out what was wrong AFTER the fact of their sexual acting out, plus, why all the stealing, lying, trashing, feces problems, control issues with us and each other, the well hidden other life they led. I may sound crazy, but I just could not figure out who was systematically throwing my underwear and silverware away; why the 7 wet towels and trash got stuck under the bed the next day after the trashed bedroom got cleaned; or why those three were afraid of nothing; and why food disappeared and why they covered for each other in their sexual acting out...
My three children were very scary because of their fearless front and their ability to lie to your face and make you believe them completely until you found out on your own it was a complete lie. The fact that these three did not show any signs of having a conscience was the scariest. I do not mean to offend anyone... just stating it as I lived it.
To not inform PAP's of the possibilities of RAD is one of the cruelest hidden parts of adoption. Up front, there should be a one day seminar on RAD: its meaning and how puberty throws it into high gear. After taking that compulsory seminar, there should be a notebook on the back table where each couple can take a page; write their decision to continue or to back out at that point in the adoption process, with no one knowing but the agency. Those who chose to continue would have to sign a waiver that they would not hold the agency responsible in any way if their AC was already at high risk for RAD. As it is, we signed an agreement saying we would NOT hold the agency responsible for ANYTHING, anyway.. but at least, these people would have a heads-up.
RAD is just ONE of the reasons, IMO, why adoption is NOT in the best interest of the child.
IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy
RAD is just ONE of the reasons...
RAD is just ONE of the reasons, IMO, why adoption is NOT in the best interest of the child.
IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Why in the world would you say that, Teddy?Teddy
(Forgive me for that, I couldn't help myself.) First off, allow me to post my first reaction to your comments:
7 adopted kids! Holy crap! 3 with RAD? Are you friggin' nuts!
OK, glad I got that off my chest.
2 kids here, both adopted at age 5. Son (now 19) has been diagnosed bi-polar, ADHD. Daughter (now 15) is our little RADish. I can so relate to all of the behaviors you described, and then some. But I'm not ready to share them here.But I will admit that we just received a shipment of replacement antique silverware. Now that's just too creepy.
Seriously, what is it about RAD children that makes them unadoptable? Did your children come to you with RAD? Or are you saying that their adoptions caused their RAD? What becomes of RAD children who can't return to their biological family? Permanent foster care? What?
My daughter lost her loving mother a month shy of her 4th birthday. The cancer monster ate her. Her estranged father, an untreated schizophrenic with a history of physical abuse, assumed custody over the objections of her dying mother. So began her nine month nightmare of severe neglect and sexual abuse.
No, the state did not separate my daughter from her father. She was literally abandoned, followed by more than a year in foster care (including one disrupted adoptive placement).
It's been almost ten years to the day that we first met our daughter (8/6/98). She called me "Daddy" on the spot and walked away from her then foster family without so much as a glance backwards.
Dad
Loving the bad and ugly
As the adult who has profound difficulty with "loving relationships".... excuse me while I gag at the thought....
I'd like to address a very good question: "Seriously, what is it about RAD children that makes them unadoptable? "
I think the better question is: What makes a child so unlikable to a parent? ["what did I did that was so bad and wrong?]
I think RAD is the result of abuse and neglect - which can happen at any time in a child's life. [It's the timing of this abuse/neglect that makes RAD's diagnostic criteria.]
So what makes a child seem unadoptable? I'd say when a child feels unlovable, (a direct result of not being loved and protected like "a normal child" should be), that child will try to do anything to prove he/she is right.
Good answer, Kerry!
"I'd say when a child feels unlovable, (a direct result of not being loved and protected like "a normal child" should be), that child will try to do anything to prove he/she is right.
AND, Kerry, that is exactly what I have done for years... but have never been able to put it into words like you can. Thanks.
DAD said,
"Seriously, what is it about RAD children that makes them un-adoptable? Did your children come to you with RAD? Or are you saying that their adoptions caused their RAD? What becomes of RAD children who can't return to their biological family? Permanent foster care? What??
No, only one came with big-time RAD, and the other two developed it from the neglect they HAD suffered, combined with the sexual abuse from my evil husband and son... and I could vomit blood for having to state this truth to you; because I want to heal.
Adoption and its process may start with a normal child, but along the way BIG changes start the RAD process. Like Kerry said,
"It's the timing of this abuse/neglect that makes RAD's diagnostic criteria." And I truly agree. Even the definition of abuse/neglect, along with the timing has various effects.
My three RAD children: Almost 18 year old daughter who was sexually abused by her afather and abrother is finishing High School in a foster home of her own choice. Already 18 year old son was just let loose from a group home for teen sex offenders where he had continued his abuse of others; he came home from Korea sexually abused. 13 year old son is going to a structured group home for MR children; he had been sexually abused by the 18 year old ason and adaughter. He is a complete danger to my two youngest children who will soon know the freedom of living in their own home without the fear of the 13 year olds victimization of them. None of the three will return home, but they know where I am. I have their stuff they left.
No, to the permanent foster care as 13 yo was kicked out of the first foster home within four hours, and now within 6 weeks of the therapeutic foster home that was second, he is headed for a structured group home.
To me, watching the child walk away without any emotion is so sad. I saw it in 11 foster children and three adopted children. It breaks your heart to know why they are that way.
and pulling a big blanket around to cover my nakedness...... she turns and walks away.... she has been taught well.
IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy